All my senses come to life
While I’m stumbling home as drunk as I
Have ever been and I’ll never leave again
‘Cause you are the only one
And all my friends have gone to find
Another place to let their hearts collide
Just promise me, you’ll always be a friend
‘Cause you are the only one
– One, Ed Sheeran

---

 

Saturday, April 9, 2005

Morgan Penthouse: Living Room

When Jason pulled open the door that morning, he grimaced without thinking. When Carly scowled at him, he shook his head. “Sorry. I thought you might be—”

“Someone you like?” she all but snarled as she pushed past him into the penthouse. At the sofa, she whirled around to face him, planting a hand on her hip. “Like that twit Elizabeth?”

Behind his eyes, Jason felt a dull throb begin, but took a deep breath. Once, Carly had been his best friend. He had done a lot to protect her, to take care of her.

In this moment, with the mixture of misery and annoyance flashing in her dark eyes, he wondered if he had just let her crash and burn just once, she’d be a different person. If he hadn’t stood by her when Tony and AJ were on her heels, if he hadn’t blackmailed AJ into giving her custody of Michael, if he had just let her fall flat on her face…

Would she be looking at him this way? As if he was the only one who could fix her problems? As if it were his job, his obligation to fix her life?

He had no one to blame but himself.

“Is there something you need?” Jason asked, glancing towards the stairs, wondering if Nora would remember his instructions. If she heard Carly downstairs, she should keep herself and Evie out of the line of fire. Carly had a way of turning most situations around to Sam when she found herself riled up. She never used the other woman’s names, just a series of colorful epithets most in Port Charles had once—and still might—direct Carly’s way.

She huffed. “Sorry. I don’t…mean to insult her,” she began. The back of Jason’s neck prickled because she was using that conciliatory tone he knew all too well. She had annoyed him and needed to sweeten him up for the kill. “I just…wish you had different taste in women, but I suppose I should learn to fight the battles I can win.”

That would be a cold day in hell, and they both knew it. Forcing his fists to unclench at his sides, he nodded. “Fine. What’s up, Carly?”

“I never see you anymore,” she complained, leaning against the arm of the sofa and pursing her lips into a pout. “God. I thought with Courtney abandoning me for New York, you wouldn’t pick sides. I know you blame me—”

“I don’t blame you. I don’t…” He tilted his head to the ceiling and took another deep breath. Patience. Eventually he would discover why Carly was here. “I’m not avoiding you, Carly. I just…have my own stuff.”

She narrowed her eyes, and he could see the calculation in her eyes. His blood chilled. If Carly was holding herself back from making a nasty comment about the mother of his child, if she had controlled her impulses, then she had a plan.

God help the world if Carly had a plan.

“I know.” She sighed and looked away. Towards the stairs. “I-I’m glad you let Emily find you someone to help. You…were looking tired. I told Sonny to knock it off, that punishing you wasn’t making anything better, but you know when he gets in a mood…” She rolled her shoulders. “And…you know he’s been in that mood for a while.”

“I know.” Jason folded his arms across his chest. “It comes and goes, but it’s not staying away.”

“No. I mean, he’s trying hard to control it, but I don’t think it’s really something that he can…you know…control.” She twisted her fingers together. “I’ve been trying so hard to keep him steady. Concentrating on the boys, you know. So he’s not thinking about you. Here. With Evie.” Carly blinked. “So he doesn’t remember Sam.”

And for the first time, Jason saw something odd flash in her eyes when she spoke of Evie and Sam. Did she suspect? Could she know? “I don’t think you’re going to get him to forget her entirely,” he said carefully. “Like you don’t forget Alcazar.”

“Well the difference with that is I want to.” She straightened. “I’m trying like hell to look forward, Jason. To make Sonny remember that he left her and came back to me. To the boys. I put Alcazar behind me. Why the hell can’t he?”

“I-I don’t know the answer to that.” His mouth felt dry, almost sour. He had never told her of the second affair, had known it would blow the boys’ world apart when it was just being pieced back together. But he knew Sonny had still been drawn to Sam. Had led the other woman on. Had broken her heart all over again.

And Sonny felt betrayed by her. By Jason.

Nothing ate at the core of Sonny Corinthos like betrayal, even if it had been accidental. Even if, in Sam’s case, it had been deserved.

“I really hoped that time would do it, you know.” She shook her head. “I thought that with Sam dead, it would just fade away. Like it never happened. But it’s not. And I’m at the end of my rope, Jason. Sonny is teetering out of control. Maybe he’s okay today. And he’ll be all right next week. But you understand that it’s not going to last.”

“Yeah.” And in the hollow pit of his stomach, he knew this brief moment of calm would end. At the moment Sonny was in control. He knew why they were embarking on this deception, that to preserve the sanity and peace of Michael and Morgan, Evie would remain with Jason. But would Sonny always know that? Always believe things were better this way?

“I have to protect my boys, Jason. They are everything to me. And protecting them means doing what’s best for Sonny.” She looked at him, met his eyes dead on. “And sometimes what’s best for Sonny isn’t what’s best for everyone else.”

And that something odd flashed again. Was Carly telling him she knew? That she had allowed the lie to stand because it was best for her family?

That she no longer believed that?

If Carly knew, then would Sonny come for Evie?

“I suppose you have to do what’s right for you, Carly.” In his ear, he heard Elizabeth’s voice again. When does Evie’s best interests come into it? “And I’ll do what’s right for me and my daughter.”

Her eyes narrowed slightly and then her features smoothed out. “You and Evie are part of my family, Jason. I love you and I want to do what’s best for all of us. I know we can make it happen if we both want it enough.”

He stepped aside then, as if to tell her to it was time to leave. “I’ll see you later, Carly.”

She opened her mouth, but apparently changed her mind. “Don’t be a stranger, Jase.” She pulled open the door and turned back to him. “It’s in our best interests if we keep communication open between us. I’m sure you know what I mean.”

Jason closed the door behind her and leaned his forehead against it. Unfortunately, he had a feeling he knew exactly what she meant.

Hardy Home: Living Room

Elizabeth planted one hand on her hip and eyed the disaster scene of her grandmother’s living room. Despite her efforts in the last three months or so since their things had arrived from California, the house still felt cramped. Overcrowded.

At her side, Audrey sighed and shifted Cameron higher on her hip. “I’m sure his sneakers are here.” She bit her lip. “Somewhere.”

“We need our own space,” Elizabeth murmured. “There’s…just not enough room in my old room or his room for what used to be in our apartment.” She glanced at her grandmother. “Not that I don’t really appreciate your generosity—”

“But you were setting up a life there,” Audrey finished, handing Cameron his pacifier. “I suppose I could try to pack up a few of my things—”

“Gram…” Elizabeth shook her head and moved forward, reaching for a stack of Cameron’s winter clothing that she had intended to store in the basement now that the weather was starting to turn. “I’ve looked at a few apartments. Lofts. Even houses. Nothing…feels right.”

“Perhaps because you know it may be temporary,” her grandmother responded. Cameron giggled as she lightly danced her fingers of his belly.

Elizabeth turned, one of Cameron’s old onesies in her hands. “Why would it be temporary?”

“Well, unless you find something large enough for all of you…” Audrey trailed off with an impish smile and sparkle in her eye. “Unless you intend Cam and Evie to share a room for a while.”

Elizabeth rolled her eyes and turned back to her search for the elusive sneakers. “Is there some sort of club I don’t know about? Emily promised she would lay off, but still manages to sneak some comments every time we have lunch, Nikolas gives me these smiles as if to say he approves and totally wouldn’t embarrass me in front of a crowd, Steven wants to know when he gets to interrogate Jason…” She huffed and tugged the sneakers from underneath a laundry basket. “Honestly, Gram. It’s…not like that.”

“I’m not suggesting the two of you plan to move in together next week or even the next few months.” Audrey lowered herself onto the sofa and set Cameron in front of her, watching him with a bright smile as he pulled himself up using the coffee table, wobbling on his chubby legs. “But the people who love you are not blind.”

Elizabeth knelt in front of Cameron, holding her hands out to tempt him to take a few steps towards her. “Gram, even if…things are changing between us, I just don’t think…” She met her grandmother’s eyes. “Yes…there are…indications we’re going down a certain path, but we’re both…” She lifted her shoulders. “Apprehensive.”

“And it’s natural, my darling.” Audrey picked up a discarded stuffed animal and smoothed her fingers over the soft fur. “You are both newly divorced, single parents to children you never expected to have…you’re both wise to be cautious. Even to take it slow.”

Elizabeth lifted an eyebrow, knowing her grandmother wasn’t done. “But?”

“But life is short, Elizabeth.” Audrey looked at the mantel, at the wedding photo of herself and Steve more than twenty years ago. “The time your grandfather and I wasted…we never had a child of our own. He took Tommy into his heart and I accepted your father though he was already an adult.”

“But you wish things had been different,” Elizabeth said with a sigh. “That you had had more children.”

“I do, though bless your father, he allowed me the gift of raising you.”

Elizabeth smirked and held up her cell phone, knowing Cameron had a penchant for electronics. “You didn’t always think that way.” Audrey chuckled as Elizabeth continued. “Gram, I do…see what you’re saying. I promised myself during therapy that I wouldn’t lie to myself anymore, even if it made things easier in the moment. It always had bad consequences, and I’m not going to do it. So yes, I care very much for Jason. Yes, he and I have taken rides. We’ve talked. I do see that things are changing, and I’m…not adverse to it. It’s just…there are complications.”

“You’re referring to Sonny and Carly.” Cameron plopped to ground, uninterested in taking his first step this day and chewed on the ear of a stuffed rabbit. “And the situation with Evie.”

“Yes,” Elizabeth admitted. “Though I guess it’s ridiculous to pretend that would weigh on my decision to move forward. She’s a gorgeous little girl that I love spending time with. Even if Jason and I aren’t…seeing one another, his situation would still affect me. Because we’re friends. Because it would affect Emily. I just…wonder…”

“What?” Audrey prompted when she fell silent.

“I know Sonny is…having these odd mood swings,” Elizabeth admitted. “And I can’t say much else because it would betray a confidence, but I also know that I tend to set him off sometimes. When he sees me with Jason and Evie. As if…it bothers him. If I become more involved, if Jason and I…do start really seeing one another…what if it that’s the reason Sonny decides to go after Evie?”

“What would Jason do if Sonny did?” Audrey asked. “Would he sign over custody?”

“I…” Elizabeth hesitated. “I’d like to think no. That he sees what the rest of the world see—there’s a reason Sam went through all those hoops to protect her daughter. I can even relate in a way. I tried to keep Zander away from Cameron because I was so…scared of how his life was falling apart, the violence in him.” Troubled, she dangled a plastic set of car keys at Cameron who giggled and reached for them. “At least Zander didn’t have this other family, didn’t try to make me feel like trash.”

“Do you think Jason’s loyalty will win out?” her grandmother asked.

“I honestly don’t know what Jason would do if he were forced to make a choice.” Elizabeth sighed. “And I don’t think he knows either.”

Monday, April 18, 2005

Kelly’s Diner: Dining Room

Emily slumped into her chair and sighed. “That’s the fourth house we’ve looked at this week, Jase. Why do you even bring me along? It’s not like you’ll suddenly start liking anything I suggest.”

Jason ignored her rant as he settled Evie into the high chair. “I have to take our security seriously, Em.”

“I get that, but I really think you’re asking the wrong person. I thought the house this morning was nice.” She ordered a burger, fries and milk shake from Georgie and considered her brother as he put in his own order. “It had four bedrooms, a nice large room in the back, and a garage for the bike. What else do you need?”

Jason narrowed his eyes. “Why do I need four bedrooms and…” He dipped his head for a moment before meeting her eyes, his exasperation clear. “Emily.”

“Jason.” Emily leaned forward, barely noticing as Georgie set her milkshake and his black coffee on the table. “I’m friends with Elizabeth. There are things I can pry out of her that you will not tell me.”

He hesitated, and Emily knew she had peaked his interest. Jason cleared his throat and looked to Evie, who gurgled and smushed a cereal puff in her mouth. “Emily—”

“I shouldn’t tell you anything.” She leaned back and sipped the milkshake. “I should let you flounder in darkness, but I figure I should cut you a break. And honestly, it’s not much. She mentioned running into you last month after she sold that one painting. You drove her home after a long talk.” When her brother just stared at her, Emily continued. “And that said drive has been repeated on more than one occasion. Like…six occasions.”

The muscles around his mouth tightened. “Emily,” he said again.

“I mean that’s like seven dates.” Emily opened her eyes wide. “In a month. An average of almost two a week. I’d say that’s something—”

“Emily—”

“And really, she looked so happy when we talked about it—”

“I don’t think—”

“I like Elizabeth being happy,” Emily mused as if her brother wasn’t speaking at all. “She’s finally making a living with her art, she has this fantastic son, her family is around her, and now her love life is picking up—”

Jason pinched the bridge of his nose, looking pained. “Emily—”

“I know you’re holding back because of your situation,” she said. “Caution is good, especially since Sonny all but foams at the mouth when he sees Elizabeth—”

Jason frowned and held up a hand. “Wait…have you seen Sonny around Elizabeth without me?” he asked.

“Um…” Shoot. Big mouth. “Just…like twice. We were in the courtyard about two weeks ago, and he was coming in with Michael. He just…gave us this weird, dirty look. We ignored him. And over the weekend, Elizabeth brought Cam in for a doctor’s appointment and I guess Sonny was there with Carly and Morgan. Carly may have said something about children of bastards, to which I may replied something about whores and glasses houses—”

Her brother just sighed and leaned back. “I wish you wouldn’t—”

“No one is going to talk about my godson that way.” Emily jabbed a finger at him. “Anyway. It looked like Sonny was going to shut Carly up, but then…I don’t know, Jase, he just…flipped.” She snapped her fingers. “Like that. He accused Elizabeth of scamming you. Of knowing you were vulnerable because of Evie and moving in on you, just like she did when you got shot a few years ago—”

“Christ.” He tilted his head back and took a deep breath. “He…he’s been better lately. Almost in control. I’d hoped…that’s why I started looking for another place. I thought Sonny would be ready to accept things, and that it would better for Evie to be away from…all of it.”

“Well….” Emily drawled. “I don’t know, Jase. Maybe he really can’t control it. Have you ever talked to him about getting help?”

Jason shook his head. “No. He wouldn’t go, so it’s a waste of time. It’s a weakness he doesn’t think he can afford.” He grimaced. “I just don’t want Elizabeth to deal with it.”

“She mostly ignored him. If that’s why you’re holding back,” Emily said, “then that’s just dumb. It has nothing to do with either one of you. Not really.” She leaned forward. “Listen. This stuff with Sonny cannot go on forever. It’ll have to be resolved one way or another. I’d hate to see you pass on a chance at real happiness because you’re trying to save Elizabeth grief in the moment.”

Her brother looked down and took a deep breath. “Emily—”

“I don’t want to be bossy and opinionated, or God, even a nag. I don’t want to push you into anything that isn’t right for you. Please believe me, Jason, when I say that all I want is for you to be happy.” Emily bit her lip. “And I don’t know if you even think you have a right to be happy. Are you trying to punish yourself for Evie?”

“No.” Jason shook his head. “No.” He looked away. “My life…isn’t…relationships don’t work—”

Emily snorted. “Pfft. You just haven’t been with the right woman at the right time. Two years ago? You and Elizabeth were clearly not ready to make the sacrifices needed. She is now. She wasn’t ready for anything strong then. You know that—she was all up in her head about not deserving things and then running around trying to find someone she could save. She’d be the first person to tell you that it wasn’t the right time.”

She blew out a breath, but realized Jason was actually listening to her this time. “And Jase? Two years ago you didn’t trust her to stay. So you went away first. You went and found someone who loved and adored you like a puppy. But Courtney wasn’t right either. You know it’s different this time. I can see it. Every time you’re in a room together, the whole world goes away and you could practically power the city’s electrical grid with the sparks that fly.” She leaned forward. “Maybe it won’t be easy. Maybe it won’t be forever, but God, Jason, you owe it to yourself to find out. You owe it to Evie, because she deserves a happy father who just doesn’t live for her.”

She hesitated again. “And maybe you even owe it to the people who love you. Grandmother watched you beat yourself against the wall every day since your accident, hoping you would find something, someone, that was worthy of you. She remembered when Grandfather blackmailed you when Elizabeth had been kidnapped. She wanted you to be happy. Don’t let her down.”

“I…” He glanced down at his watch. “I’m meeting Elizabeth and Cameron in the park,” he said after a moment. “I’m not going to lie to you, Emily, or insult your intelligence. I have…” He stopped, and she just waited, knowing he hated to open up, hated to reveal anything inside of him. “I have cared for Elizabeth for years, and yeah, maybe it’s different this time. I just…our friendship was sacrificed once before—”

“No, it wasn’t, but I know what you mean.” Emily nodded. “I get it. You’ll do it in your own time, but just don’t look away from it. Love is worth fighting for.”

Jason tossed some cash on the table and unlocked Evie from the high chair. “I’ll think about it, Emily.”

Port Charles Park

Elizabeth had just settled Cameron on a blanket filled with his toys when Jason turned the corner with Evie in a coach. She grinned—the sight of the mob’s toughest enforcer pushing a candy pink baby carriage would never get old. She’d asked him why he didn’t replace with it a different color and he’d just stared at her.

What does the color have to do with anything?

Jason was nothing if not literal. What would she do without him and his deadpan, logic in her life?

She never wanted to find out again.

“Hey, you.” Elizabeth stood, and taking a chance, pressed a kiss to his cheek. He blinked at her for a second and then looked away. If she didn’t know him better, she’d think he was blushing.

He turned to the guard that had accompanied him, instructing him to stand by the entrance to the path. Once he was gone, Jason turned back to her while lifting Evie from the carriage. “Sorry, I just—”

“I’ve noticed since becoming a parent,” Elizabeth began casually, “that I distrust most of the known world. I think everyone is a suspect, a criminal just waiting to snatch up my little boy.” She arched an eyebrow. “You think it bothers me that you’ve got a guard on Evie? I’m not sure I wouldn’t hire a bodyguard for my kid if given the chance.”

Jason released a surprised chuckle as he set Evie on the blanket. The two children blinked at one another, Cameron smiled before offering a block. Evie took it and immediately shoved it in her mouth.

“Ah, friendship,” Elizabeth said, satisfied. She tugged on Jason’s leather jacket sleeve to draw him back several feet to the picnic bench. “They’ll be fine, though I’ll occasionally have to discourage Cameron from wandering too far from the blanket.”

“Evie’s trying to crawl,” Jason told her. “But it’s not going well. She gets on her stomach, even lifts herself up. Sometimes she goes backwards, but it’s going forward that’s taking a while.” His mouth stretched into a smile. “But mostly she ends up on her back, frustrated.”

Elizabeth laughed. “I know exactly what you mean—Cameron did that for almost two weeks before I must have blinked and zoom he was off and, well…” She pursed her lips. “Not running exactly, but he might have if he could figure it out.” She drew her leg up on the bench so she could turn to face him, propping her elbow on the table and resting her chin in her palm. “So, you were meeting with Em and the realtor today?”

Jason sighed and leaned back, his eyes on the kids. “Yeah. But we didn’t see anything that worked.”

“I know what you mean,” Elizabeth replied. “The house is so crowded with all our stuff, but nothing feels right.” She shrugged, not wanting to go further and remember the rest of her conversation with her grandmother. “Anyway, is there a rush?”

“No.” Jason hesitated and glanced at her before returning his attention to the kids. “It might make things worse in the end. I thought things with Sonny were better, but…Emily said something—”

“Oh.” Elizabeth huffed. “She probably made it sound worse than it was. Jason, seriously…” She touched his arm so he’d look at him for a moment. “Carly and I will never be friends. Never. I could literally push her out of the way of speeding train and she’d snark at me about ripping her outfit. As for Sonny…” Troubled, she studied Cameron for a long moment, remembering the Christmas Party and the way Sonny had spoken about her first child, the little soul that had never been given the chance to grow.

“I grieve for loss of the friendship he and I once had,” she murmured. “But I suppose with Ric, with the way I acted when Carly was missing, I don’t blame either of them for not being kindly disposed towards me—”

“Elizabeth, he didn’t blame you then.” Jason leaned forward. “He never blamed you. He knew you were…that Ric had manipulated you. And then once you were in the hospital, he was just worried. When you woke up, you went the police. You tried to help Carly. She knew that then.”

“But then I remarried—’ She stopped. “No. No, I’m not going back to the time. I’ve…made my peace with my choices. With my mistakes. If Sonny still holds it against me—”

“He just…” Jason exhaled slowly. “This situation with Evie is eating at him. I don’t think it’s ever going to get better.”

“I’m so sorry,” she murmured, taking one of his hand in both of hers. “I just…my heart breaks for what you’re going through. I wish I could have done something when it would have made a difference.”

Jason shook his head, watching as Evie scooted backwards, reaching the edge of the blanket. “I’m just…trying to do what Sam would have wanted. She wanted me to love Evie as my own, the way she didn’t trust Sonny to.” He hesitated. “And I know that if Sonny and Carly had Evie, they would raise her to forget Sam. Maybe they wouldn’t ever tell Evie about her mother, and Sam deserved better than that.”

“I know. She sacrificed so much for her daughter, she deserves to be a presence in Evie’s life, even if it’s just a memory.” She sighed. “And things with Carly aren’t getting better?”

“No.” Jason paused. “They’re…I think she knows, Elizabeth.”

Elizabeth frowned and straightened her shoulders. “What do you mean she knows?” Her fingers tightened in his. “About Evie?”

“It’s just…something she said a few weeks ago. It makes…I think she knows and she’s keeping it herself.”

A tingle shot down her spine, a foreboding chill seeped into her bones. If Carly was keeping a secret, then it meant… “You think she has a plan. That if she’s keeping the secret, it’s because it works for her right now.”

“And maybe it won’t forever,” Jason confirmed. He slowly disentangled their hands so he could put Evie back into a seated position, as the six month old had ended up on her back, waving her arms and wailing. Immediately, the infant grinned at her father and picked up a toy boat to chew on.

Once he sat back down, Elizabeth continued. “Carly’s plans never work out for you.”

“No.” He looked away, where the park opened up to the lake and gazebo. “No, they usually destroy my life.”

“Jason, have you thought of addressing it to Sonny? Telling him what you suspect?” Her chest ached, her ears were buzzing. She could see the misery in his eyes, could see he felt as though he were at the edge of precipice—that he might end up the way he had five years earlier, lying, bleeding, and broken in the snow waiting for death to claim him.

“If I did…he might take her,” Jason confessed in a low voice. She leaned forward, straining to hear him. “And if he wanted her, what would I say to him? No, Sonny, you can’t have your own daughter—”

“Jason, it’s not like you to stick your head in the sand,” Elizabeth said. “You’re just waiting for the other shoe to drop—”

“What else should I do?” he asked, meeting her eyes. “That’s what I did with Michael. That’s all I could do with him—”

“It’s different now,” she argued. “AJ didn’t know what was going on. You were perpetuating this huge lie to everyone—but you know that no one really believes Evie is your daughter, including the woman you were trying to lie to the most. Jason, you have legal custody of her. You’d have to sign it over to Sonny.”

“I know. Diane and I spoke about it—” He hesitated and eyed her. “You think I should refuse to relinquish guardianship. That I should tell Sonny no.”

“I…” Elizabeth closed her mouth for a moment. “It would be so easy to suggest that,” she admitted. “But…I don’t know, Jason. I know that if it were just about Evie, then yes. You are absolutely the better father. You would be what’s best for her. But, I know that sort of decision would just…complicate the rest of it. Your job.” She chewed on her bottom lip. “I guess…there are no easy answers here.”

“No. No there’s not.” Sighing, Jason once again rescued his daughter from her turtle-like position, placing her back on the blanket. “Right now, it’s an uneasy silence. Acceptance of the situation. If I can just hold it together until Sonny can pull himself back from the edge, I can talk about it rationally. He’s not happy with Carly, he’s afraid to divorce her. If…he did that, maybe it would easier for him to raise Evie.”

“And you’re still left out in the cold,” Elizabeth told him, aggrieved. “How is that fair?”

“How else is this supposed to end?” Jason asked her. “Do you see a way for me to raise Evie without things blowing up with Sonny and Carly?”

“I…” She sighed and shook her head. “No. I guess your plan is the best. I’m…just frustrated, Jason. I want so much more for you, but you know better than me how the fallout will affect you. I just…I hate to see you hurting. To see you distanced from Sonny, unable to really enjoy this wonderful little girl.”

Because she loved him so much that seeing the pain and misery in his eyes caused her stomach to roll and her chest to ache.

Sighing, she looked away, back at her son. She always ended up right back in this moment, in love with this man whose life was so complicated, he was usually unable to make time for something more.

Why should this time be any different?

Part Two: Redemption

“Bipolar illness, manic depression, manic-depressive illness, manic-depressive psychosis. That’s a nice way of saying you will feel so high that no street drug can compete and you will feel so low that you wish you had been hit by a Mack truck instead.”
― Christine F. Anderson, Forever Different: A Memoir of One Woman’s Journey Living with Bipolar Disorder

---

Chapter Eight

What have I done?
I wish I could run
Away from this ship going under
Just trying to help
Hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders
– Get it Right, Glee Cast

---

Saturday, March 5, 2005

The Cellar: Carly’s Office

When Courtney had moved to New York City in the wake of her divorce, she had promised herself and Michael that she would not drift away—she would remain a strong presence in his life, as he and Morgan had already had enough upheaval.

For the first six months—until Christmas—she had broken that promise. She rarely called and visited only a handful of times, but after seeing the slow disintegration of her brother’s marriage and Carly’s behavior, she knew she had a responsibility to her nephews that superseded her own peace of mind.

So here she was again—she now came to Port Charles every other weekend and called Michael three times a week to check up on him.

And nothing had improved. In fact, she knew it was just getting worse, but she still felt powerless to stop it.

Today felt different. Today, as she sat in Carly’s office and watched her sister-in-law pace the small confines of the room, her movements jerky and exuding anxiety and nerves, Courtney wondered if the breaking point had finally arrived.

“Has something happened? I mean, since I talked to you on Wednesday?” Courtney clasped her hands loosely in her lap, trying to exude calmness, but her foot tapped restlessly against the carpeted floor.

“I heard back from the last specialist yesterday.” Carly rested her hands on her hips and scowled down at Courtney. “And there’s nothing wrong with me.”

“Oh.” Carly’s quest for another child continued unabated. When Dr. Meadows had had no answers, she 1traveled to New York City, Boston and Philadelphia for the best specialists in the area. “Are…you going to get another opinion?”

“What would the point be?” Carly huffed. “Five doctors concurred. I’m not the problem.”

“Maybe Sonny is,” Courtney said tentatively. But she didn’t believe that.

And neither did Carly, from the way she snorted. “Please. The man looks at a woman, she gets knocked up.” But then she pressed her lips together, as if she hadn’t meant to say that. “Anyway. I don’t know what to do.”

“I’m sure it’s just stress.” Courtney took a deep breath. “Carly—”

“Sonny is Evie’s father.”

The words tumbled from Carly’s mouth in a rush, and then both women blinked at one another. Courtney’s palms were clammy. Of course she told herself she had always known, because nothing else made sense.

But to hear the actual words…

To hear them from Carly…

Courtney closed her eyes. “Carly,” she began again.

“And he’s driving himself to the edge over his guilt,” Carly continued. “That’s the real problem. I’ve been ignoring it because I thought I could fix it—”

Courtney leaned forward. “Carly, why…” She hesitated. “How did this happen? Sonny and Jason clearly know the truth, as do you. Why is Jason…”

“I should have said something sooner, I know.” Carly collapsed into her chair, her eyes dark with misery. “I just…I couldn’t. I know it might have saved your marriage, but—”

“Nothing would have saved my marriage.” Courtney bit her lip. “I never really believed it, Carly, but I thought…it was for the best. That Evie would be better off this way.”

“I thought she would be, too.” Carly crossed her arms beneath her breasts. “I thought we’d all be better off with that whore and her bastard away from my family. Jason’s a good man. He’s a good father. But, with Sam gone…”

“Sonny feels like he’s abandoned his daughter,” Courtney murmured. “Carly—”

“I don’t know all the details,” Carly interrupted, “because I’m not supposed to know the truth. Sonny took me at my word that if the kid turned out to be his, I would take the boys and leave. So whatever happened when Evie was born and Sam died, I don’t know. But somehow, it continued.” She pursed her lips. “And I was okay with it. I don’t want her in my home.”

Courtney was quiet for a moment, because she didn’t know what to do with that information. As a woman who would never have her own biological child without an operation or a surrogate, the idea of rejecting a little girl because she was not related by blood, or because her mother was someone Courtney didn’t like…

But this was Carly, and for some reason, this rejection did not surprise her.

“Then it’s for the best that she stays with Jason. Evie should be with someone who loves her.”

“I thought that as well, and when I thought I could fix it by giving Sonny a daughter of our own, that was fine, but…” Carly sighed.

“No, Carly…” Courtney gripped the sides of her chair, leaning forward. “You cannot do this to Jason. Not to bring Evie into a home where she’s just there to keep Sonny sane. She deserves love—”

“I know that.” Carly’s dark eyes bore into hers. “I’m selfish but I’m not cruel. I know Evie’s better off with Jason, but how do I let Sonny continue on this way? Can I let him slide towards the edge, maybe even crack so I can do what’s best for some kid I don’t really care about?” She rubbed her temple. “If it were anyone else but Jason…”

“Carly, he’s your best friend—”

“Damn it, Courtney, I get that,” Carly snapped. “This is killing me, you know. I can’t do anything to fix it. I can’t even get pregnant.”

“Why even tell me the truth?” Courtney asked. “Did you think I might agree to help you with Jason? To take Evie away?” She got to her feet. “Please don’t ask me to do that. Don’t ask me to choose between my brother and Jason.”

“It shouldn’t be a contest.” Carly’s hands were fisted at her sides. “He’s your brother, Courtney.”

“I don’t care if Jason is my ex-husband. We’re not like you and Sonny. We got divorced because it was best for us, and I want him to be happy. I know he wants the same for me. You can’t ask me to tear out his heart.” She shook her head. “I won’t do it—”

“You never gave a damn about Sonny,” Carly accused. “You used him to get to Jason—”

“No, I didn’t, but I’m surprised you of all people think so.” Courtney sighed. “I’m not going to help you, Carly, and I’m doing that for Sonny as well. At the end of the day, my loyalty is to my family. Evie is part of that, and she’s better off away from both of you.”

At that, Carly’s eyes narrowed. “Get out,” she said through clenched teeth.

Courtney did so without a backward glance, only feeling slightly guilty for having taken a stand finally.

Kelly’s: Dining Room

Nikolas suppressed an exasperated sigh when his brother slurped the last of his milkshake and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

Some things would never change.

“I’m telling you, Nikolas. It doesn’t bother me about Elizabeth being maid of honor.” Lucky shrugged and reached for another fry. “We’re friends. And it’s not like we have to do much. I throw the bachelor’s party, she throws the bachelorette. We stand fifteen feet apart at the altar, smile for some pictures.” He snapped his fingers. “Done. You and Emily are giving yourselves ulcers for no good reason.”

“I’m not worried.” Nikolas said. “Emily wants this day to be perfect, so I’m going to make it perfect.” He narrowed his eyes. “Understood?”

“Perfectly.” Lucky leaned back in his chair, his expression sobering. “Listen, I’m sure Elizabeth is telling Emily the same thing right now. It’s not going to be an issue. She and I are friends of a sort. It’s been more than three years since we were close, since we were together. I went to her showing didn’t I?”

“Yes, you hugged her and then barely spoke with her the rest of the weekend.” Nikolas’s restless fingers tapped the table. “Lucky—”

“She’s hanging around Jason again.” He shrugged a shoulder. “And I’m sure seeing me is just a reminder that she chose me once and probably still regrets it.” A shadow flickered over his face and he looked away. “Seeing that painting…the one with the red shoe? I remember that moment like it happened yesterday. Sometimes, it feels like I live it over and over again. I’m freezing, thinking about how annoyed I am that Lizzie the Terror has pulled another trick, another scam, probably trying to make her sister worry. I’m annoyed I finally get Sarah out of the house with me, and she’s only concerned with you…” He wiped his hands on a napkin and looked down at the table.

“And I turn that corner by the fountain, and I hear the rustling. And she crawls out, looking at me like…” Lucky expressed a quick annoyed breath. “Before she was my girlfriend, before we were Lucky and Liz, Liz and Lucky, we were best friends. She knew me inside and out, and I knew her. So I’m not gonna lie. It bothers me that we took any chance of being those people again, of being that close, and ground it into the nothing. We both did that. I guilted her into staying with me, and she listened instead of throwing me into the harbor. So I’m doing her a favor and staying out of her life, and I’m not going to remind her of why she and Jason didn’t work out once. I knew she was in love with him, and I knew how to make her stay with me, so I did it. And I put her on a path that led to Zander and Ric—”

“Lucky, you did not make her do any of those things—”

“The summer she was kidnapped?” Lucky said. “You know why she and Jason weren’t dating yet? Why she was still dancing around him, afraid to really commit to him, letting Zander into her head? It wasn’t because of the danger or Courtney. Not then. It was because I broke her heart that winter, and then I took her trust and ground it into dust. So by the time she was ready to trust, Jason was gone and Ric was there. It’s a little bit my fault, Nikolas. And the only way I can make it right is to stay out of her life the best I can, so maybe she and Jason can get it right this time.”

“All right.” Nikolas hesitated. “But Lucky—”

“Your wedding is going to be perfect,” Lucky told him. “Because Elizabeth and I love you and Emily more than we care about being awkward around each other. I have Leyla, who’s fantastic. We’re different people, Nikolas. It’s going to be fine. We will never be Liz and Lucky again, and that’s a good thing. We’re Lucky and Elizabeth, two separate people with separate lives.”

He cleared his throat. “Now, about the bachelor’s party. How do you feel about strippers?”

Warehouse: Sonny’s Office

There were moments Sonny felt outside of himself, as if he were standing next to his desk and watching his body clench its fists, crumple paper and snap at long-time employees whose loyalties had never been in question.

Today was not the first time he had this eerie feeling, but somewhere inside, he knew these moments were happening too often. That they were coming too close together, almost on top of one on another. He was rapidly reaching the point where he could no longer point to a moment when he could say he had been one hundred percent in control.

When Jason stepped into the room, Sonny took a deep breath and looked down at his customary page of notes. Truck. Rumors. Michael’s behavior. Zacchara. It was an innocuous list of words that would not raise any suspicions should someone discover the pieces once he shred them, but these lists had preserved the peace for the last month.

Since that morning in Jason’s penthouse where he had once again attacked Elizabeth to Jason’s face. Another moment he had not been in control of his own mind.

“Jason.” He cleared his throat, forced his fist to relax and reach for a glass of water. He would keep himself under control. He would not attack Jason for his choices, would not say a word against Elizabeth. He would put his life back on a normal footing, beginning with this moment. “How are things?”

“Fine.” His partner and former friend lowered himself gingerly into the chair across the desk, his shoulders tense. “I wanted to update you on the truck shipment from January.”

“Still no word?” Sonny asked, reaching for a pen to cross the word from his list. “Two months and no trace. Not a good sign.”

“No,” Jason agreed, releasing a short breath. “We’ve combed all the roads from here to Rochester, looked into all of Mickey’s activities. He pulled off in a rest area about fifteen miles away from Port Charles, and then just disappears. No activity on his accounts.” He shook his head.

“Are…” Sonny stopped, because he was about to demand that Jason admit he was right all along and had wasted time dicking around for proof. No. No. That was not the way. Jason had been right to be cautious, had been right to advise patience. He knew that. He did. “I spoke to Hector Ruiz, and the relationship there seems to be unchanged. He does not hold us responsible for Alcazar’s misfortunes.”

Jason nodded. “I got that sense, too. But he’s got two sons who are not so trustworthy.”

Javier and Manny, Sonny knew, were ruthless and would become problematic one day. “I think Hector still has them under some sort of control for now,” Sonny continued. “Feelers to Zacchara’s people were not returned.”

He saw Jason hesitate and that familiar rolling nausea rolled in his abdomen. Jason knew something. Had kept something from him.

Was lying to him—

No. Sonny exhaled on a short breath. No. No. That wasn’t Jason’s style. “You know something about Zacchara?” he asked, trying for a casual tone. When Jason did not tense, did not change his expression, he thought he might have been successful.

“Not exactly. I would have mentioned it earlier, but it didn’t seem important.” Jason leaned forward, bracing his elbows on his denim-clad thighs. “Johnny Zacchara was at Elizabeth’s showing last month.”

All other thoughts flew from Sonny’s brain. “I knew it.” He lunged to his feet. “That slimy little bastard was taunting you, letting you know he knows about her—”

“I didn’t get that impression, Sonny.” Jason’s voice remained calm. Placating. Fucking bastard. Why didn’t he ever see it Sonny’s way? Didn’t Elizabeth’s safety mean anything to him? He was picking the little bitch over Sonny—

God. No. Stop it. Sonny closed his eyes and tried to concentrate again. “Why the hell not?”

“Because Johnny’s known for going to art showings,” Jason said, his voice shifting into wariness. He, too, rose to his feet. “For the last two years or so, since he graduated from Oxford and came back to New York. He’s usually at galleries on the weekends, except when he’s been in Port Charles. I didn’t just take his word for it, Sonny. I looked into it after I saw him there. Her showing was heavily promoted. Maybe he remembered her name being linked to mine, but he went out of his way to introduce me to his girlfriend.”

That got Sonny’s attention, and the red haze cleared. “Girlfriend.”

“Yeah.” Jason nodded. “Nadine Crowell. Works at General Hospital. I figure it’s why he’s been hanging around a lot. She goes to Luke’s with some of the other nurses. I had her looked at. Her sister is an issue, maybe. She’s suspected of some Angel of Mercy killings back in Ohio, but is in some sort of vegetative state in a New York hospital. Nadine is clean.”

“He deliberately showed you his vulnerable spot.” Sonny lowered himself back into his seat. “That’s…that’s a good sign.”

“That’s what I thought. And he’s green. He didn’t know how to introduce her, didn’t know how to prep her for meeting his associates. If he’s working an angle, Sonny, I’m not seeing it.” Jason leaned forward. “I’m not taking chances. I agree with you that Anthony Zacchara is a prime suspect for the problems we’ve been having, just like Ruiz is to an extent. But I don’t think he’d use his son to come at us. Johnny’s not in the business all the way.”

“I get it.” Sonny picked up his pen and struck a line through Zaccharas. “And you wouldn’t put Elizabeth in danger.”

“No.” Jason eyed him. “No, I’m not taking chances with her safety. Even though I don’t think Johnny’s an issue, I can’t say his father wouldn’t find out about Elizabeth. Anthony is crazy and known for having his son under his thumb. I think Johnny’s keeping his relationship away from his father as much as he can, but it wouldn’t surprise me if Anthony had him tailed.”

“And would have had eyes on you at the gallery.” Sonny nodded. He felt good in this moment. There had been a brief loss there, but he could feel that cool certainty filling his veins. He was in control at the moment. He could even see the way forward. A way to maybe heal the breach. “Have you…talked to Elizabeth about the possibility?”

“Not…” Jason paused. “Not in so many words. I told her that I…” He hesitated again. “I put someone on her. Not…to follow her, to drive her around like Carly. But just…to keep an eye on her. I put Milo on her, because she knows Max from before.”

“Good, good.” Sonny nodded. “You guys aren’t…particularly public, but there’s no reason to take chances. And the security at the Towers is still good? We had the annual inspection, but—”

“I doubled the guards on the lobby,” Jason said. “And the guards at Michael’s school, as well as Carly’s club. I thought you might want to put an additional guard on her, but that’s up to you.”

“Right. I’ll talk to her.” This was good. This felt right. God, it felt good to be Sonny fucking Corinthos again. “I think you should consider your own security. At the penthouse. I have Max on my door, and I know it’s just right around the corner, but with Evie there, I—”

“I agree. I talked to Nora, and her guards were also doubled,” Jason told him. “And I’m looking into the available guys to find the right door guards.” He hesitated. “I’m not taking chances with the people that matter, Sonny. I would never do that. Maybe you and I don’t really agree on who the danger is coming from, but we know it’s out there.”

“We do.” Sonny nodded. “And maybe it’s good we don’t know just yet who the bastard behind it is. Reminds us, at the end of the day, we can only trust each other.” He paused. “Right?”

“Right.”

But Jason hesitated a shade too long, and Sonny knew that this moment of control, of understanding, was just that. A moment. They would trust each other to keep the people they loved alive, but that’s where it ended.

And maybe this was part of the new order Sonny would have to accept to retain control and keep the darkness from closing in.

Wyndemere: Sitting Room

Elizabeth knew what the conversation was going to be about as soon as she entered Emily’s sitting room and found her best friend surrounded by magazines and making notes in a notebook.

“Wedding stuff?”

“Yup.” Emily’s smile was bright as Elizabeth joined her on the sofa. “Nikolas and I set the date for the end of May. We have less than three months to pull it all together so I’m hitting the ground running. May 27 will be here before we know it and there’s so much to do.”

“What can I do to help?” Elizabeth reached for a magazine. “I have time on my hands.”

“Oh…” Emily hesitated. “Well, obviously you’re going to be my maid of honor. But um, you know…” She fidgeted a bit. “You know Lucky is going to be…”

“Oh…” Elizabeth shook her head. “You know that’s fine. I don’t even…there’s no awkwardness there anymore. We’re friends now.”

“Are you?” Emily leaned forward, a magazine spilling from her lap to the floor. “I know he went to your opening, and it was all okay, but—”

“But nothing. Lucky and I are friends. Barely that.” Elizabeth reached over to squeeze her friend’s hand. “I promise it won’t be weird—”

“I just…” Emily sighed and looked down at a photo of a bride and groom on a beach. “I just wish sometimes it was like it used to be, you know? The four of us were best friends—”

“For ten minutes.” Elizabeth hesitated. “Em, I spent too many years trying to get back to that point, trying to be that girl again, but I just can’t. Lucky and I…we destroyed any chance of really being friends a long time ago. We’re in each other’s lives now, on the fringes. I’m happy he’s moved on, honestly I am but—”

“I’m not hoping you guys could get back together. I just…” Emily stopped and shook her head. “No. I guess, I just wonder why you guys couldn’t be friends the way you were before you were a couple.”

Elizabeth set a magazine on the table and leaned back against the sofa, pondering the question. Why did she find it so difficult to recapture the camaraderie they’d once had? Forget the romantic entanglements—Lucky really had been one of her best friends.

“Maybe we will one day,” she said finally. “I just know that it’s easier for me to…leave certain things in the past. I’m building a new life for myself, Em, and I just…don’t think there’s space for things like that.” She shifted on the sofa. “I go out of my way to avoid Ric, you know, and he’s doing the same. I was on the elevator to meet my grandmother at the Grille last week, and he was getting in as I left. He just…never looked at me. I prefer it that way, Em.”

Emily frowned. “Let me get this straight. You’d rather Ric and Lucky stay out of your life for the most part, so really what you’re telling me is that romantic reminders are not welcome right now.”

“I guess.” Elizabeth blinked and looked at her oddly. “Yeah, maybe. Ric and Lucky…they represent some of the worst mistakes in my life, some of the really bad decisions I wish I hadn’t made so not having them around right now makes it easier. I know it can’t be that way forever, but—”

“Why doesn’t that apply to my brother?” Emily asked. “He’s a romantic reminder of bad decisions. Why is he different?”

Elizabeth rolled her eyes. “It’s not even remotely the same. I never…we were never like that. Yes, we briefly…considered going further but we never did. We used to sit and talk or just…take rides. It’s not like that now. We’re not…going down that path, Em. I wish you’d get that.”

“I’m not pushing you,” Emily responded after a moment. “I just…you’re not even listening to yourself. What are you and Jason doing now if not the same exact thing? You talk, and I know sometimes he drives you home on his bike.”

Elizabeth just stared at her. “I—”

“So, it’s exactly how it used to be. You told me that what was going on now…it was just residual.” Emily reached for her notebook. “I’m not saying it’s not, but I think you’re just fooling yourself if you think you and my brother are not heading down the same path. The only thing that is different is where you’ll end up.”

Thankfully, Emily dropped the subject and they moved on to planning a day for Elizabeth to meet with the dress designer, but Emily’s words stayed in the back of her head because they were true. And as much as she had tried to deny what was happening, she knew her feelings for Jason were building again, that she had reopened that part of her heart.

And she thought maybe…just maybe…he felt the same way. She recognized the look in his eyes sometimes, the way he said her name, but she didn’t know for sure. And there was no ignoring the complications in his life. The presence of Sonny and Carly. The situation with Evie.

She was falling in love with Jason all over again, but she had this sinking feeling this time might not be different at all. That his loyalties to Sonny Corinthos might again leave her out in the cold.