This entry is part 4 of 5 in the TTPD: The Black Dog
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– 7 –
You said I needed a brave man
Then proceeded to play him
Until I believed it too
And it kills me
I just don’t understand
—
Elizabeth wrapped one arm around her middle, and cradled the phone against her ear, closing her eyes, hoping her voice sounded as steady as it needed to be. “Of course, I understand. No, Jason, it’s—it’s exactly how it should have been. What you should have done. Michael was missing, and you’d lost your phone—”
She perched on the edge of the sofa, looked at Cameron in his bassinet, dozing peacefully. “I’m so glad he’s all right, and that it wasn’t serious. I mean, that he was just…sleeping. I can’t imagine not knowing where your son is. Um—it’s too hot for the park, but my grandmother won’t be home for a few hours, so…if you want to come by here. Okay. Okay. I’ll see you when you get here.”
She ended the call, clicking the off button, then pressing the phone against her chest, her eyes stinging with tears that weren’t fair to any of them.
Michael had gone missing, and Jason had snapped into action, not realizing what time it was, not concentrating on anything else until he’d located the missing boy. How could he have done anything else? If he’d had his phone, if he’d been able to tell her, of course he would have. And she would have understood.
She did understand, and it was stupid to feel hurt, to feel like Jason had chosen Michael over their son, because what would it sound like if she said it out loud? Jason, you didn’t meet the son you didn’t know about because I kept the secret because the little boy you love so much is missing. What an asshole.
But…
Was this an omen? A reminder that Jason couldn’t, or wouldn’t, put his own life ahead of Sonny and Carly’s? That he didn’t see them as separate lives at all, but intertwined to the point of madness? What he was doing with his own life—letting the world believe Sam was pregnant with his child, letting her live with him—
Taking care of Sonny and Carly and the people that mattered to them while she sat and waited for him.
Elizabeth closed her eyes, the tears building against the lids, a shaky breath escaping her lips. How many times had Elizabeth taken the back seat with her own parents? Her father had always known how to handle Steven, and her mother had worshiped Sarah. There’d been no room, no space for Elizabeth. She’d never fit. Not anywhere.
She looked at Cameron, at her sweet baby still sleeping, unaware of his mother’s existential crisis. Would he repeat his mother’s mistakes? Desperate for attention, for someone to look at her, to love her until he trusted all the wrong people? Would he be the younger brother who never seemed to measure up?
“I won’t let it happen,” she promised softly. “I won’t. I don’t know how, but you…” She rose to her feet, crossed to his bassinet. “I will make sure I love you enough for a thousand parents, and you will never, ever doubt your place in the world.”
The knock came a few minutes later, and she blinked, startled. It hadn’t been more than five minutes since she’d ended the call with Jason.
She crossed to the door, stopping briefly to set the phone back on its base, then looked through the peephole to see Jason on the doorstep, pacing back and forth. A few steps to the left, a few steps to the right, then running his hands through his hair. He looked tired — and he still wore the clothes she’d seen the bridge the night before. How scared he must have been, she thought, when they thought Michael was missing.
Elizabeth opened the door, and for a long, uncomfortable beat they just stared at each other.
“I’m sorry—”
“He’s still napping—”
They both spoke at the same time, stumbling over each other, and Jason was the first to cut off. He raked both hands through his hair again, then scrubbed them over his face.
“I’m so sorry,” he said again, meeting her gaze. “I can’t—I can’t believe this happened. That I didn’t—I just—the first thing I heard when I woke up was Carly screaming, and when I heard—”
“Jason, I understand. I do,” she insisted, when he seemed to hesitate, his expression filled with doubt. “He was missing, and that must have been terrifying for all of you. I can’t even—” She shook her head. “I can’t even put myself in the same place, it’s too awful to imagine.” She stepped back, dropping her gaze when he came past her, but stopped at the edge of the landing. “He’s still napping. I’d—I’d wake him up, but—”
“It’s okay. I know—” He looked at her again, but she couldn’t lift her gaze to meet his. Afraid that she’d embarrass herself. The tears seemed so close, and she didn’t want him to think she was lying. She wasn’t. But—
She closed the door, and stood there another moment, facing it, leaving both her hands flat against the cool wood, before taking a deep breath and turning to him. “But you said Michael’s all right? I’m glad.”
“Yeah. He’s—He just wanted some quiet. The fighting—” Jason cleared his throat, his eyes locked on the bassinet. From this angle, she knew he could see Cameron. His son. Their son. And when he spoke again, his voice had softened. “Thank you. For understanding. For…” He grimaced, shook his head, tried to look at her again, but she avoided him again, walking past him towards the baby. After a moment, she heard his footsteps follow.
“This isn’t the way I wanted to start this—” Jason said, stopping when he reached the bassinet. He lifted a hand, and it hovered for a moment above Cameron’s head, and then he let it drop to his side, curling into a fist, maybe to stop himself from touching his son. “This isn’t the father I want to be. The one I will be,” he corrected.
“I know.” She looked at him briefly, letting their eyes meet for just a moment, and then she had to turn away, to swallow hard, but the tears were stinging, and it was hard to breathe. “I know. And I do understand. It’s just—” She inhaled, shaky. “It’s just…you know, you…” And the words rushed out, and she couldn’t stop them. “You forgot him. You forgot he existed. I know it’s not fair, and it’s not your fault, and it’s all so new, but you—”
“Elizabeth—” Jason came around the bassinet, and she held up her hands — he halted immediately, but there were tears in his eyes, too, his throat working hard. “I didn’t—”
“You did. You didn’t mean to, but you did, and I get it, I do. Michael matters, and I’m so glad he’s safe, I just—” She looked at her son. Touched the bassinet, stroking the wicker material. “It can’t happen again.”
“It won’t—”
“It can’t,” Elizabeth interrupted, a bit more forcefully, and he nodded, grimly. “I appreciate that there are times you have to change your plans. But you need to tell me. You can’t forget him again.”
“I didn’t—” Jason looked away, then met her eyes, nodded. “I won’t. This will never happen again. Cameron is and will always be my number one priority.”
She knew he believed what he was saying, and she believed he meant it —
She just didn’t trust that he could keep his promise.
Cameron stirred from his nap a few minutes later, and father and son had the meeting she’d dreamt of that morning, and Jason said and did all the right things — he held their son with reverence, spoke to him in hushed tones, with sincerity radiating from every word and touch. And when he reluctantly returned Cameron to Elizabeth, it was only because Audrey would return shortly, and he didn’t want to create any issues.
“We’ll figure everything out the next time we talk,” Jason promised at the door, his eyes still on their son. He stroked Cameron’s soft, sunny blond hair, lingering another moment — a moment too long as Audrey’s car turned into the driveway. He tensed. “I’m sorry, I meant to be gone,” he told Elizabeth.
“It’s all right,” Elizabeth replied, readjusting Cameron in her arms. “I’ll call you—”
Jason nodded, and backed up, stepping from the porch and nodded again, this time in greeting to Audrey who was walking very slowly up from the driveway.
“Mrs. Hardy.”
“Mr. Morgan.” Audrey glanced at Elizabeth briefly before focusing again on Jason and lifting her chin slightly. “I trust this won’t happen again. Elizabeth knows how I feel about having you here.”
“I—no, it won’t happen again.” When he started to move past her—Audrey put up her hand.
“No, I think we ought to have this conversation with you here and now, Mr. Morgan. So that we can all be on the same page.”
Jason looked at Elizabeth, who clenched her jaw. “Gram—”
“Less than a week, and you’re already disrespecting the simple rules that I put in place when you asked to stay here.”
Her cheeks flushed, and Elizabeth looked at Jason with mortification. “Gram, can we just—”
“Mr. Morgan, you may have destroyed your marriage with your lack of morals, and convinced my granddaughter to discard what little common sense she possessed when she fell back in with you, but I do not intend to allow you to infect yet another generation—”
“Gram—stop it!” Elizabeth hissed when Jason just looked past Audrey, that familiar stone-face expression firmly set in place. “Don’t do this right now—”
“Did you know she had a life planned in California? An apartment and a job?” Audrey demanded. “And she threw it all away to drag this baby across the country so that you could know your son. One might commend her actions if she hadn’t chosen one of a selfish, immoral creatures with whom to procreate. Tell me, Elizabeth,” she said, looking at her granddaughter. “Was the plan not to have Jason see his son outside this house? Did I misunderstand that you were to rendezvous in the park this morning?”
“I—” Elizabeth licked her lips, clutching Cameron more tightly to her. “Something came up—”
“I see.” Audrey watched her for another minute, then looked at Jason. “Sonny? Carly? Or your other whore?”
Elizabeth flinched, and Jason’s head whipped up at that description — his eyes icy. Because other suggested more than one—and it didn’t take a genius to understand who Audrey meant.
“Mrs. Hardy, this is between me and Elizabeth. I think maybe she and—”
“No, Mr. Morgan, this concerns me, as my granddaughter begged me to give her a place to stay since she threw her life away for you. And I asked her for one thing, just one. I wanted to never lay eyes on you. You were not to set foot on my property. And within days, she’s already breaking rules for you again because something came up. Something more important than meeting your son?” Audrey demanded. “Shame on you for creating this situation, and shame on you, Elizabeth, for allowing it to continue,” she hissed. “This is the last warning. If I see him on this property again, I’ll call the PCPD, and you’ll find somewhere else to live.”
Elizabeth stepped to the side as her grandmother stalked past her, then slammed the door, almost bumping Elizabeth in the back.
“I’m sorry—” Jason took a step towards her, but Elizabeth shook her head, biting down hard on her lip, willing the tears burning in her eyes to stay back. “She shouldn’t have said it—”
“Why? Does the truth hurt?” Elizabeth managed, and he swallowed hard. “I said I understood what happened, and I do. But it doesn’t change anything. None of this—” Her voice broke, and she had to take a deep, shaky breath. “Gram asked me for one thing, and I couldn’t give it to her. Wouldn’t. Because I think I knew if I didn’t let you come here today, if I tried to make plans again, something would come up. Someone would call. Someone would need you more.”
“Elizabeth—” He stepped towards her, but then halted, swallowing hard. “That’s not how this was—”
“A-nd it was one thing when it was just me. When you were walking out on me for Sonny or Carly or Courtney or whatever crisis needed you more—but it’s not me. I don’t care that you didn’t come to the park this morning. Of course Michael being missing was more important, but you didn’t call.” And now the tears did fall, burning her skin as they scorched trails down her cheek. “You didn’t call because you didn’t remember us. You didn’t remember Cameron. So as much as I wish I could scream at my grandmother, walk out on her, I can’t. Because she’s all I have left, and I don’t trust you to be there.”
– 8 –
How you don’t miss me
In the shower
And remember
How my rain-soaked body was shaking
—
I don’t trust you to be there.
He hadn’t argued with her, hadn’t defended himself — and she hadn’t given him the opportunity, going back into the house and closing the door in his face. He had forgotten about the meeting in the park, about the conversation the night before—
Jason stood in the yard staring at the house long enough for Audrey to pull back the front curtains and for him to see the phone in her hand. Knowing she wasn’t bluffing about the police, he went to his bike, climbed on, started the engine, and took off, not knowing where he was going.
He’d forgotten he had a flesh and blood son he’d never met, one who had been born thousands of miles away and laid in a NICU nameless while his mother recovered alone from a car accident. An apartment and a job, Jason thought, that’s what Audrey had said. Elizabeth had planned a life for herself and her child far away from Port Charles, and she’d thrown it away. She’d come home so that Jason could know his son. It hadn’t been so long since he’d had little money that he didn’t know what it might have cost her. Security deposits, rent, breaking leases — she’d done all that for him.
And he’d forgotten their son the first chance he’d had to prove himself.
Muscle memory had him pulling into the parking garage at Harborview, into the space next to the SUV he used when a larger vehicle was necessary. He switched off the engine, but stayed where he was, staring blindly at the concrete wall.
It was worse somehow that she’d forgiven him for it — that while she was disappointed and sad — she’d understood. There would have been time for a call — while Carly and Sonny and Sam had been arguing, while he’d stood in the security room, watching the footage, while he’d been in the elevator on his way to the security room —
There had been time, he thought. But he hadn’t taken it. Michael was missing, and he’d closed everything else off. Because it was Michael.
But how many times had he done that to Elizabeth? How many times had he been with her and taken a call that wasn’t important? How many times had he sat at the safe house with Brenda and Sonny while she waited alone for him? Had she felt forgotten all those days?
And what had she felt the morning after they’d been together? He’d left the studio after she’d fallen asleep, unsure what to do with himself, how to function, how to breathe with what he’d done. He’d forgotten Courtney that night, too, and had only remembered her when the adrenaline, the need, the desire—when it had been sated, and he’d laid on that uncomfortable sofa with Elizabeth in his arms, feeling like he was exactly where he should be — and then he’d remembered he was supposed to marry another woman.
He’d gone home, and she’d woken alone — and neither of them had said another word about it. But he should have.
He should have done so much more.
Jason didn’t take the elevator up to the penthouse level but went to the lobby instead where the front desk security guard had a cell phone for him.
“Already gave it to Mr. C,” Wally said, and Jason looked at him, squinting. “Standard protocol,” the guard added. “Remember?”
“Right. Sorry, it’s—” Jason flipped open the phone and saw he already had three missed calls from Sonny — and of course, Carly had the number. He and Elizabeth were supposed to have exchanged numbers this morning at the park — and the only way to talk to her right now would be to track down Audrey Hardy’s home phone number.
Not an option. Not today. Not when the old woman had been so angry, and Elizabeth had looked so miserable.
He didn’t want to go upstairs, didn’t want to face what he’d left behind. He’d remembered the meeting in the park and had simply walked out without another word to Sonny or Carly, who had been angry with him.
They couldn’t go on this way — none of them.
And for that reason, Jason went to the elevator and punched the number for the penthouse. Time to stop running.
It was eerily quiet when the doors opened on the top floor, and Jason stood in the hallway for a beat. Left was the penthouse where Sam would be waiting. Either furious for how he’d treated her that morning or bitter because that seemed to be her default setting. If he went right — it was Sonny and Carly who were already ready to drag him over the coals for a million imagined slights, and never for the reason he deserved.
Jason scrubbed his hands down his face. Pick your poison, he thought.
And went to the right.
– 9 –
Do you hate me?
Was it hazing?
For a cruel fraternity I pledged
And I still mean it
Old habits die screaming
—
“He’s finally gone.” Audrey set the phone back on the base and leveled another scorn-filled glare at her granddaughter. “Have you no self-respect left, Elizabeth?”
“Gram—” Elizabeth raked her hands through her hair. “Please. I don’t want to do this right now—”
“We have no choice but to do this now since you can’t seem to honor your own word.” Audrey pursed her lips. “I told you. You and Cameron could live here, and I would not stop you from telling Jason the truth. If for no other reason than to obtain suitable child support so that you could get your life together and stop wandering around aimlessly—”
“I haven’t been—” Elizabeth closed her mouth, shook her head. It wouldn’t change anything to correct Audrey, it never did. “Gram, I’m just asking you for—”
“I told you,” Audrey continued as if her granddaughter had not spoken, “that you could do that under one condition. Jason Morgan never steps foot in my home. One thing, Elizabeth Imogene. And you broke your word the very first chance you had.” She lifted her brows. “How am I to trust you now?”
Elizabeth sank onto the sofa, clasping her hands tightly in her lap. “I’m sorry. You—you’re right. I did that. And it’s not an excuse that I thought I could do it before you came home. I broke my promise, and I’m—I’m sorry.”
“It’s nice to see you take accountability for once,” Audrey said, her shoulders stiff. “But I don’t know how we solve this situation. Have you and Jason made arrangements?”
“No, there hasn’t been—I told him last night—” and they’d planned to talk about that today, except—
“And he failed to show up for your meeting this morning, so you’re where you were yesterday. Nowhere. No money, no prospects, no permanent housing—”
Tears slid down Elizabeth’s cheeks unchecked as Audrey continued to list her failures as a person, as a mother, as a granddaughter.
Audrey took a seat in the chair by the sofa. “I know that I must seem harsh, Elizabeth, but I worry that if I cannot talk some sense into you now, you’ll continue the same patterns you’ve fallen into since you left school.”
“Gram—”
“And yes, this is, in part because of Jason Morgan, but—” Audrey took a beat to gather herself. “You started college, and you were doing well. While I did not care for the reason you moved out, you left this house at age eighteen, and were able to go to school, work, and support yourself. This is no small thing, Elizabeth. And then Lucky Spencer came back from the pits of hell where he ought to have stayed, and you lost all sense of direction. You stopped living for yourself. And for the last five years, I have watched you lurch from terrible choice to terrible choice. Marrying that Ric Lansing and divorcing him twice in the span of a year—having an affair with an engaged man, not knowing the father of your child—”
“You don’t need to list the ways I’ve ruined my life, Gram. I’m aware—”
“When you told me you intended to start fresh in San Francisco, I rejoiced. Not because I wouldn’t miss you,” Audrey continued, and Elizabeth looked at her. “But because you would no longer be here. No chance you’ll be drawn back to these terrible men you’ve chosen to love. Ric, Jason, Lucky—not one of them has put value on you. They all treated you as a toy they could put on a shelf and treat as they liked. And you’ve allowed it.”
“You don’t understand a-about J-Jason—”
“I understand that there is a child involved, Elizabeth. A child that you told him about. And that he decided something else in his wretched life was more important than meeting him this morning.”
Elizabeth opened her mouth to defend Jason, but the words failed her. Because it was true. Michael and Sonny and Carly and their lives had been more important. So important Jason hadn’t even remembered Cameron existed until it was over. And while she knew he regretted it, knew it wasn’t intentional—
How could she trust it wouldn’t be different? Jason had felt so protective of Michael that he’d destroyed his life to cover for Sonny’s affair. How could she ever believe it would be different when it had been this way for years?
“What do you want me to do, Gram?” she asked, lifting her head to look at her grandmother. “What can I do to fix this?”
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