And it’s hard watching
‘Cause I’m part of you
And it’s hard not to
Not to know what I can do
I’m powerless to change your world
I’m powerless to stop the hurt
I’m trying hard to be your tower of strength
I’m trying hard to bring you back to joy
— Heart and Shoulder, Heather Nova
—-
Courtney watched her husband change his shirt for the tenth time and felt a rush of love for him. “Honey, Michael’s not going to care what you’re wearing.”
AJ buttoned the blue shirt and sighed. “I just…I want to be perfect. I’ve got a second chance with him…and I don’t want to lose it.”
Courtney slid off the edge of their bed and wound her arms around him, staring at his reflection in the mirror over his shoulder. “Do you know what I see when I look at you?” she asked.
“What?” AJ asked, covering his wife’s hands with his own.
“I see man who’s made mistakes in his life,” Courtney said. “Someone who’s done bad things, but never because he’s a bad person. Baby, I see someone whose taken his family’s expectations of him and shattered them.” She kissed the side of his neck. “Be honest with Michael, don’t hold anything back. He’ll respect that in the end.”
AJ turned so that he was facing her. “How did I ever manage to marry someone like you?” he asked, his voice full of the awe and love he felt whenever he saw her.
Courtney grinned and leaned up to brush a kiss against his lips. “You hated my brother,” she reminded him without a trace of anger or bitterness.
Somehow, they’d gotten past AJ’s confession of why he’d married her. She’d been hurt and she’d asked him to leave. He’d thought their marriage was over, but it didn’t stop him from trying. He loved her more than anything in the world and he refused to lose her.
Courtney had attempted to end the marriage several times, but always stopped before seeing the lawyers. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to end her marriage because of his mistake. He claimed to love her for real–and she wanted to believe him.
In the end, it hadn’t been AJ’s tireless efforts to win her back or Courtney’s seemingly bottomless faith in her husband.
It’d been the discovery of Courtney’s pregnancy. Knowing she could never keep the child from AJ, she’d told him.
“I’m pregnant,” Courtney confessed, her hands clasped in front of her as she and AJ were seated in the small apartment they’d once shared.
He didn’t ask how long. He didn’t ask if it was his.
Instead, he slid off the couch and kneeled in front of her, placing his hands on her knees. “I love you,” he told her, his voice quiet and calm. “I’ve made so many mistakes and I don’t blame you for wanting to walk away. Hell, I’ve done enough to make you do that without telling the truth about the reason I married you.”
“AJ–” Courtney began, unwilling to listen to more apologies.
“I will never stop trying to make up for the reason we began, for how unbelievably selfish I was, trapping you into marriage. I can’t ever ask you to forgive me for it. But, I love you. I know that like I know my last name. You are my everything. The first thing I think about when I wake up–the last face I see before I fall asleep. I want to spend the rest of my life loving you. Please, just give me one more chance to be with you–to be a family. Let’s give this child what any child deserves. Two parents who love each other, despite the odds.”
She raised her tear-filled blue eyes to her husband’s pleading brown ones. “I love you so much, AJ Quartermaine. I married you because I wanted to escape Sonny and his controlling nature. This is my confession. I didn’t marry you because I loved you, but I saw you as my escape.” She sucked in a deep breath and wiped the tears away with the back of her hand. “But somewhere along the line, AJ, I fell in love with you. With everything that you are. I’m not blind anymore–I’m not na�ve. You’re not the perfect person I thought you were in the beginning.”
AJ’s shoulders slumped and he sighed. “All right. I–I just want to be part of this child’s life. I understand if you–”
She pressed two fingers to his lips. “I’m not finished,” she told him. “You are my everything. The first thing I think about when I wake up–the last face I see before I fall asleep. I want to spend the rest of my life loving you. Please, just give me one more chance to be with–to be a family. Let’s give this child what any child deserves. Two parents who love each other, despite the odds.”
AJ blinked back the tears that threatened to spill over. He stood, pulling Courtney with him and wrapped his arms around her. “I love you,” he breathed, his breath warm on her neck.
“I love you, too,” Courtney said.
“What are you thinking about?” she asked, bringing AJ back to the present. He looked into his wife’s dancing blue eyes.
“Thinking about the day you told me about Jocelyn,” AJ told her. “I love you, Courtney. I love you and Jo and Steve so much it takes my breath away sometimes. Having Michael in my life–it won’t change that.”
Hearing the promise from her husband’s lips quelled the fear that she hadn’t even known she possessed.
“Go,” she told him. “Go have lunch with your son.”
AJ kissed her again before pulling out of her arms to finish buttoning his shirt. He tucked it into his khakis and left the room.
—-
Carly smoothed Michael’s black t-shirt for the hundredth time and Michael smacked her hands away. “Come on, Mom, I’m not six anymore.”
Carly smiled. “You may be sixteen–you may be a high school graduate, but you will always be Mr. Man to me.” She kissed him on the cheek. “You’ll never know how much it means to me to know that despite my best efforts to the contrary, you still managed grow up into this wonderful person.”
A little embarrassed by his mother’s words, Michael turned and shrugged. “Well, you’re not as bad you seem to think.” He turned back to her. “So, Jason went in today?”
“No. Johnny called–Sonny came to work,” Carly replied. She moved around the guest room she was using at the Morgan house. “I guess he’s feeling better.”
“You going to talk to him?” Michael asked, sticking his hands in his pockets.
Carly shrugged. “I don’t know. I need to figure what I’m gonna say to him.” She eyed him. “You gonna drop Drew off at camp on your way to meet AJ? I have to take Mandy to the hospital.”
“Yep. I’m taking Dee and Davie with me….Mom?”
“Yeah?” Carly asked, checking the battery on her cell phone before putting it into her purse.
“You okay with me going to see him?” Michael asked.
Carly stilled in her movements and looked up. “No,” she said honestly. “I have been so terrified of AJ being around you since the moment you were born. It doesn’t matter that he’s gotten his life under control, or that he’s happily married and I know he’s a wonderful father–but I guess…I guess I can’t forget the days when he threatened to take you away and never let you see me.” She took a deep breath. “But I understand that you need to do this.”
“Thanks,” Michael said. “Well, I’d better get going.”
—-
Emily rubbed her forehead wearily. She’d never dreamed all the work that would go into opening Wyndemere to prepare for Nikolas’s arrival in a week or two. She’d found on agency to clean it, and then she’d had to contract another agency to furnish it. She’d hired gardeners to take care of the gardens and she had to hire at least a minor staff once Nikolas and Gia arrived.
To top it off, Lucky was still calling and begging her for another chance. Emily might have been tempted to listen to him, but he was still insisting she was being ridiculous. There was no way he was still in love with Elizabeth.
Emily could hear the way he felt about her best friend in the very way he said her name, so she promptly hung up on him.
Perhaps she was just being paranoid.
Maybe it was her pregnancy and the hormones were affecting her.
But Emily couldn’t be imagining the way his voice changed when he talked about Elizabeth, or the way his eyes lit up when she was around. He might be consciously aware of it–but Emily was.
She still wanted Lucky to be part of the child’s life and she’d told him as much. She’d offered to let him come to the ultrasound next week, but Lucky wasn’t interested. If he wasn’t going to be with Emily and part of her life as well, he wasn’t interested in being part of the child’s either.
Emily thought that was a rather selfish way to look at it, and had decided that he was going through a bad time and that she wasn’t going to hold him to this decision. She’d invited Laura instead.
In the back of her mind, the image from her brother’s house still lingered. She’d cried herself to sleep, thinking about Elizabeth, the strain Emily had placed on their friendship, about the way she’d die if anything happened to own child and finally, she cried for her brother, who must be reeling. No father loved his children more than Jason–and she couldn’t imagine how he was faring, having to deal with Elizabeth’s depression as well as his own.
Emily had come to work late–around noon and had spent the morning decorating the nursery. She’d decorated in a multitude of colors, preparing for either a boy or a girl. She promised herself that even if Lucky wasn’t going to be part of this child’s life, he or she was never going to want for love and attention. She was going to spoil this child beyond recognition.
“Miss Quartermaine? Mr. Spencer is on the phone again,” said her secretary over the intercom.
“Tell him I’m in the meeting,” Emily replied. “And then cancel my appointments for the rest of the day. I’m going to visit my niece at the hospital.”
“All right.”
—-
Alexis, Carly and Ned were in the hospital cafeteria trying to pass the time until Christie and Mandy returned from testing. They’d scheduled the transplant for the next day and had told Mandy and Christie that they were related and it would be explained in further detail after the surgery.
There was a tense air among the trio. Ned still felt the lingering guilt that he’d been the reason Sonny found out. Alexis still felt guilty that while she would save her daughter, Carly would lose her marriage.
And Carly was contemplating the words she’d say to her husband the next time she saw him. Sonny had yet to acknowledge Christina and Carly knew there was a real possibility that he might never do so. Once Sonny had made his mind that you didn’t exist, you didn’t have much of a chance.
“I can’t thank you enough, Carly,” Alexis said, finally breaking the tenuous silence. Carly smiled weakly.
“Just knowing that Christina will be all right is good enough,” she replied. She sipped her coffee, ignoring the bitter taste.
“I still haven’t decided on a way to tell Christie,” Alexis murmured.
Carly sighed. “I don’t know that the truth would work. I’m not sure Sonny wants to be part of her life and if that’s true, it would only hurt Christina in the end to know that her biological father doesn’t want her.” Carly looked to Ned. “If that ends up being true, I’m glad she has you.”
Ned shifted, unaccustomed to being on normal and nearly friendly terms with Carly. “Thank you. How are Mandy and Drew doing with the fall out?”
Carly sighed heavily. “They’re…adjusting. Jason offered the guest room and the kids room to us. Dee and Mandy are bunking, I’m in the guest room, Davie and Drew in the other room, and Michael’s on the couch. They don’t understand why yet and to be honest, I don’t know how to explain why we haven’t gone home.”
“You haven’t spoken to Sonny at all?” Alexis asked, concerned.
“No one has,” Carly remarked. “Not since the night I left. Jason stopped by that night, but he made it clear to Sonny that while he was there if Sonny needed him, his first priority was Elizabeth. He didn’t return to the warehouse until today.”
“How is Elizabeth?” Ned asked. “I meant to stop in while she was here, but I didn’t have the chance.”
“She’s doing a little better,” Carly replied. “She saw Emily yesterday for the first time since the miscarriage and it was bit of a nasty shock, and she locked herself in the bedroom.” A small humorless smile spread on Carly’s lips. “Jason put his lock picks to good use. But she was up this morning, and I even passed her in the hall–the first time I’ve seen her since I got there.”
“I can’t imagine what she’s going through,” Alexis murmured. “My pregnancy with Christina was very difficult–there were a few times I nearly lost her. And then with the premature birth…but in the end, she survived.”
“Elizabeth is strong,” Carly said. “I will never be her biggest fan nor will we ever be friends, but I will say that for her. She’s a survivor and I think it’s just a matter of time.”
“Tell her I’m thinking of her,” Alexis said. “That we both are, and we hope she’ll be all right.”
Grudgingly, Ned asked, “How is Jason?”
“He’s holding up,” Carly said. “You know Jason–he’ll take the weight of the world on his shoulders and never let anyone know. He’s being strong for Elizabeth, but eventually it’s going to come crashing down. It always does. And that’s when I’ll be there. Or Emily will. Jason’s got any number of people there to support him.”
It suddenly struck Ned that he was sitting here with his wife and Carly, discussing the people they had in common and those they cared about and not a single nasty word had been passed since Carly arrived.
Perhaps they’d finally grown up–seen past the mistakes of yesterday and were genuinely concerned for the decision of the future.
Or maybe it was time for a change.
“Monica wanted me to send hers and Alan’s prayers,” Ned said. “They didn’t see Elizabeth either while she was here…they didn’t want to upset Jason.”
“I think that Jason might be a little more receptive these days than he was ten years ago,” Carly said. “Marriage and parenthood has definitely mellowed him out.”
“AJ was visiting yesterday,” Ned said. “He, apparently, has lunch plans with Michael today.”
“Yep,” Carly confirmed. She traced the edge of her Styrofoam coffee cup. “Michael’s made the decision to get to know AJ and I’ve made the decision to support him in that endeavor.”
“I’m so sorry Michael found out,” Alexis said.
“It’s not your fault,” Carly remarked. “It’s mine. I never told him and I badmouthed AJ every time I turned around. You know, with Sonny and myself as role models, it’s amazing that my son grew up to be the well-rounded individual that he is.” Carly smirked. “Jason keeps telling me to stop giving him credit for his temperament.”
“He really did love that child,” Alexis said. “Getting visitation rights is still one of the best highlights of my career. I’m only sorry it didn’t work out better.”
“That’s my fault,” Carly replied. “I got scared and talked myself into trying to fix a situation that Jason already had under control. I screwed it up and I’m the reason Michael lost the best father he could have had. But Jason has always been a constant in his life and I’d be denying him the credit he’s due when it comes to Michael.”
—-
Jason pushed open the bedroom door, holding a plate with some lunch for Elizabeth. He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw Elizabeth sitting up in bed, showered and wearing jeans and a t-shirt. She was sketching something in one the plain sketchpads she left in the nightstand.
At his entrance, she looked up. “Hey.”
“Hey, I brought up something to eat,” Jason said, indicating the plate.
“I’m not really hungry,” Elizabeth replied. She set the sketchpad and the charcoal she’d been using aside. “Where are Dee and Davie?”
“They’re at the day camp that Mandy and Drew go to,” Jason replied. He sat down and handed her the plate. “Eat. You’ve barely eaten anything since you’ve been home.”
Elizabeth wrinkled her nose. “Jason–”
“How many times have you shoved soup down my throat?” Jason asked. “Humor me.”
She sighed and took the plate. She looked at the burger and fries and then looked back up at him, “Wow. This looks so…professional.”
Jason smirked. “Yeah, smartass. It’s from Kelly’s. I haven’t had much of a chance to get something to eat in the house.”
“I hope you haven’t been feeding the kids a lot of junk,” Elizabeth said, setting the plate on her lap. She lifted the burger and took a small bite. She chewed carefully and set it back down.
Jason shrugged. “Just some Kelly’s take out.” He shifted on the bed, leaning his back against the headboard and stretching his legs out. “Carly and the kids are staying here for a while.”
“Yeah…I saw her this morning when I took a shower,” Elizabeth replied, nibbling on a fry. “How is she doing?”
“She’s doing better,” Jason answered. “Still isn’t sure what she’s going to do, but she’s got my support no matter what.”
Elizabeth reached and touched his arm. “I know that must mean a lot to her. How are the kids?”
“Mandy and Drew are a little confused–I think they think they’re on vacation or something. By the way, Mandy’s a match for Christina Ashton,” Jason told her.
“Oh, I’m so glad,” Elizabeth said, taking another bite. As she continued to eat, she felt her appetite return. She hadn’t realized how hungry she really was. “I know Alexis and Ned must have been worried.”
“Yeah, so Carly’s going to spending some time at the hospital while Mandy’s undergoing some tests and then the actual surgery. Michael…he went to see AJ.”
Elizabeth’s eyes widened. “Really. How did Carly take that?”
“Surprisingly, Carly’s…being really…” Jason searched for the right word before finally setting on, “mature is the best way to put it. She told Michael that he’s going to do what he needs to do and that she supports him no matter what.”
“For what it’s worth, I’m glad all these secrets are out,” Elizabeth replied. “They had to come out sometime, y’know?”
“Yeah, I know. I just wish Sonny could have handled it better.”
Elizabeth finished her burger and set out to eat the rest of her fries. “Have you seen him?”
Jason shook his head. “He came back to the warehouse today, but I’m going to finish the original week of vacation I had and stay with you. I told him if he needs anything to let me know.”
“I’m okay, you know,” she told him. “I don’t need constant supervision, so it’s not like I’m going to collapse if you’re not here.”
“I know…” Jason watched her for a few minutes. “But I feel better being here.”
“Not that I’m arguing,” Elizabeth said. She finished the last fry and set the plate on the nightstand. “I think I’ve seen you more the last few days than in the entire six years we’ve been married.”
He frowned. “You’re joking right?”
She laughed and straddled his waist, planting one knee on either side of his waist. “Of course,” she replied. “Like I said, I’m not arguing. I like having you here.”
“I like being here,” Jason replied, resting his hands on her hips.
“So, what are you doing today besides baby-sitting duty?” she asked.
Letting the baby-sitting comment go, he told her, “Nothing. Why?”
Her eyes lit up and she grinned. “Can we go for a ride?”
“Sure,” he replied. “Right now?”
“Yeah, I could use it.” She looked at him, her eyes imploring. “Can I drive?”
“No.”
“Aww, come on. Please?”
“You’re not driving.”
“I’ll make it worth your while.”
“Well, in that case…”
—-
AJ was sitting in the Port Charles Grille, nervously shifting in his seat. He couldn’t believe he was about to come face to face with his son after so many years of being strangers. And to have Michael initiating the contact–well, that was just the icing on the cake.
He looked up when he saw a figure walking towards the table. Michael stopped in front of him.
“Hey,” he greeted.
“Hi, Michael,” AJ said. He indicated the seat across from him. “Sit down.”
Michael sat and AJ watched Michael shift a little. It was an uncomfortable and slightly bizarre situation.
What do you say to your sixteen-year-old son the first time you’re together as father and son?
I’m sorry for being a rotten father? For being a drunk? For signing away the rights to you? Badgering your mother every time she turned around?
Where could AJ possibly start?
