1
Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire

Friday, March 12, 2004

Ric and Elizabeth Lansing’s Home: Living Room

Elizabeth Lansing laid on her back on her bed and stared at the ceiling. It was a Friday morning. Or at least she thought it was. It may have been Tuesday. Her days were all the same. She barely slept now, as she was in the third trimester. She spent the rest of the day shuffling through the rooms of her home, watching television or staring out the window. She had quit her job at Kelly’s and returned to the home she and Ric had rented at the beginning of their marriage, when they had been planning a wonderful life together.

Before the panic room.

Before getting pregnant.

Before the fire at the hotel.

Before…

She closed her eyes. She wanted to stop thinking about the night. About that moment. About the room.

Her son kicked her in the ribs, jarring Elizabeth out of her stupor. She was dully aware of hunger pangs. She should eat—she was eating for two now.

She should get out of bed. Shower. Put on some clothing. Eat. Leave the room.

Maybe even leave the house.

One her night stand, the cell phone vibrated, sliding a few centimeters towards the edge. She turned her head towards it, opening her eyes. The caller ID read Emily.

She ignored it. She didn’t want to talk to Emily. Not while Nikolas was still under suspicion for what had happened to Zander.

Ric talked about his cases at night, after he’d bring her home dinner from Kelly’s or another restaurant. He was working longer hours now that Scott Baldwin had abruptly resigned from the District Attorney’s office, and there were days Elizabeth would have to physically stop herself from remembering the reasons he was unqualified for the position.

The events of last summer was something else she had to stop remembering if she was ever going to regain her sanity, and she was no longer sure of the moral ground. What Ric had done was beyond thinking, beyond forgiveness.

But she was not innocent of any crime herself. How could she hold herself on some sort of pedestal?

2
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Monday, March 15, 2004

Kelly’s Diner

Listlessly, Elizabeth swirled her spoon in her tea, her eyes focused on the sandwich on which she had only managed to nibble a few bites. She could not summon strength to feel hunger, to feel anything. If not for the doctor’s appointment with Dr. Meadows that Ric had scheduled on her behalf, she would still be lying in bed, pretending to watch daytime programming.

“It’s good you’re getting out of the house,” Ric said. His voice was too cheerful, because even he understood that something was not right, though Elizabeth knew he would never suspect.

It seemed fair. She had had no capacity to understand that he was capable of drugging her with birth controls and holding a pregnant woman hostage. She had believed that he may be damaged, but with her love, he could move on to a better life.

He had no capacity to understand that she would kill another human being. To him, she was still on a pedestal, innocent and naïve. Incapable of true cruelty.

Her marriage was not a real marriage. It had never been a real one, not the first time and not this time. She had married him in December to hold off the burgeoning fear that she was alone in the world, and had fooled herself that anyone was better no one.

And now, she just wanted to be left alone. To sit in her room and not look at anyone.

“I can go to my appointment alone,” she murmured. She raised her eyes to his. “I want to go alone.”

“Elizabeth, it’s no trouble, I can rearrange my schedule—“

“I want to go alone,” Elizabeth repeated. “I have the car.”

He hesitated, and she knew he was weighing her ability to drive when he was aware her sleeping habits were not normal and he had not seen her eat much. He was calculating the risk of allowing her to go alone versus the possible public argument that may tarnish his already bad image.

It was comforting. The sun would rise and set in the same direction every day, and Ric Lansing would always be calculating his next step.

“All right.” He reached into his jacket pocket and withdraw his wallet. “Elizabeth, I know you’re unhappy,” he said, his voice just above a whisper. “I would fix it if I could, but I want you to trust me.”

She looked at him, and wished that she could. She wanted to trust him more than anything in the world, because she thought she should able to do so. He was her husband. They had taken vows. If she could not trust him, who could she trust?

She certainly could not trust herself any longer.

“If I thought you could fix what was wrong,” Elizabeth said deliberately, “I would.” She set her spoon down with a resounding clink. “But maybe the problem is that I don’t trust you.” She stood and pulled on her coat, buttoning it over her belly. “I may never really trust you again.”

She tugged her hair from underneath the collar and picked up her purse. “Or maybe what’s wrong just cannot be fixed. I’m not even sure I know the answer anymore.”

She walked away from him, but did not go to the parking lot of her car. She did not want to go to the hospital, where her grandmother might be, with her worried looks and comforting hands. If she saw Audrey, she might say more than was safe.

She had a responsibility. She had a baby growing inside her, and somehow she had to find the strength to care for the baby, to bring it into the world, healthy and safe.

Maybe then, if she could bring a new piece of Zander Smith into the world, have him live on…

It might not matter so much that she caused him to leave it.

She stepped out onto the docks, stopping at the bottom of the stairs. She had been planning to sit on the bench for a few minutes, to look out over the water, and try to find a bit of peace.

Jason Morgan was at the far end of the docks, speaking with another man.

The last person she wanted to see was Jason.

She turned to start back up the stairs, but she heard his voice.

“Elizabeth?”

She turned back to him and forced a smile. “Jason. H-How are you?” But the words were stilted, she could hear it, and she saw his eyes narrow, concern stretching across his face. “I was going to sit for a few minutes,” she continued, wanting to fill the space, the silence, to keep him from speaking. She twisted the purse strap over her shoulder, her eyes darting from the water, to the planks of the docks behind him, but never meeting his eyes. “But I have a doctor’s appointment and I should go. I don’t want to be late.”

Elizabeth turned back and as quickly as she could when eight months pregnant, fled back up the stairs, hoping he had turned away and forgotten the encounter as quickly as it had happened.

3
Truth be told I’ve tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Lansing Home: Living Room

Elizabeth sat on the couch, staring down at the pamphlets Dr. Meadows had given her. Coping with stress, healthy eating. Positions to try for sleeping comfortable in the third trimester.

Pamphlets were one or two pages long and handed out as if the combination of them could solve the problems. Could solve the fact that her lack of eating, her lack of movement, her lack of sleeping had worried the doctor so much she had considered admitting Elizabeth for observation.

She had to start eating. She had to start sleeping again.

But she had no appetite. And every time she closed her eyes, she saw herself picking up the pipe and swinging it…

The guilt was crushing her. She was drowning in it and until today, she had been content to allow it to continue, maybe to let herself sink into the abyss. She only had six more weeks until the baby was here. She could deliver the baby, appoint a guardian—Emily or Lucky.

And then she could allow herself to…drift away.

But her blood pressure, the sluggishness of the baby in her ultrasound—she could not ignore what she was doing to her baby.

She no longer cared for herself, but her baby…

Her son kicked hard, nailing her in the ribs, and Elizabeth smiled, rubbing her belly. He didn’t kick so hard very often, which was probably another sign she had not been doing her job as a mother.

She was a mother now.

And things could not continue the way they had been.

When Ric came in that night, with takeout bags from Kelly’s, Elizabeth stood, lacing her fingers protectively over her son.

“Ric, I have to tell you something about the night of the fire.”

4
Though I’ve tried, I’ve fallen
I have sunk so low

Saturday, March 20, 2004

Jason’s Penthouse

Jason leaned against his pool table and watched Michael Corinthos pace back and forth between the desk and the fireplace. He had arrived almost an hour ago from across the hall, having witnessed another argument between his parents. At just over thirteen years old, he had seen one too many of those arguments to be told that it would all be okay.

For Michael, it would never be okay again. Sonny and Carly, as a committed married couple, had finished, and all that was left were the children over whom the two would fight like dogs over a bone. Best interests of the children was not a phrase in either of their vocabularies.

“I’m just tired of it,” Michael said. He stopped abruptly and looked at his uncle, his jaw clenched “I don’t want to be around it anymore, I don’t want Morgan around it. It never changes—they say the same things over and over again. Why can’t they just agree on joint custody?”

Because neither wanted to cede the battle, to end the last connection between them. Because neither wanted to lose. Jason rubbed a hand over his face, as exhausted as his nephew. “I’m sorry, Michael.”

“It shouldn’t be like this.” Michael crossed his arms. “And I’m not going home tonight.”

“To your mother’s or the penthouse?”

“Either. Both.” Michael pressed his lips together. “And you can’t make me, Jason. I’ll go to Grandma Bobbie’s. Or…anywhere else. Because at Mom’s, she just talks about how awful Dad is, and Dad just says these things…” He shook his head. “Morgan asked me the other day what slut mean, Jason. I mean, Jesus.” He stared down at the floor, sullenly. “I hate every minute of it, and you know…I wonder…” He trailed off. “I wonder if it could have been different.”

“Well, Michael…” Jason hesitated, trying to find the right words. “Your parents…they…” He stopped. All he could offer were platitudes, and even worse, outright lies.

“No, I’m not talking about them—” Michael raised his eyes. “I know my dad isn’t…I mean, he’s not my real father. Not…by blood. I know I’m adopted.”

Jason shifted uncomfortably. “Michael, I’m shouldn’t say anything—”

“No, you’re the only person I can talk to about this.” Michael swallowed. “I saw AJ around town a few times before he moved away, and I guess he’s an alcoholic, or he was when I was born. I guess I just…I don’t see what’s so bad about him sometimes. Was he a lot worse when Mom was pregnant?”

Jason hesitated. The decision to keep AJ out of Michael’s life seemed a lifetime ago. “I…” No, Jason remembered. No, AJ had been sober after the one night stand that led to Michael’s conception. Had been living on his own, away from the Quartermaines, had been working at the hospital. Had turned his life around. “Your mother thought he might want custody…that the Quartermaines might take you from her.”

Michael frowned, his blue eyes bewildered. “So? I don’t get it. What was wrong with him?”

“I…” Jason began again, but somehow, after watching the sheer hell Michael had been going through in his life—from the many times Carly and Sonny had split up, watching them both move on with other people, only to come back to one another, then fight and split again….

“We were different people then,” he said finally. “The decisions we made back then…I wouldn’t…” He paused. “I wouldn’t trade the year I spent taking care of you for anything, but I don’t think, knowing what I know now, I would have supported your mother in keeping you from AJ. At least, not the way I did.”

Michael nodded. “What does it say about me?” he asked, “when I think I’d rather stay with the father I’ve barely even met then live with the parents who are supposed to love me?”

And what did it say about him, Jason wondered, that he wished like hell he could go back in time and change Michael’s life so that he could be spared this custody battle.

5
I messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come round here
And tell me I told you so

Thursday, March 25, 2003

Port Charles Police Department: Commissioner’s Office

“The closure rate in Port Charles is in the toilet,” Mayor Steven Floyd snarled. “Every day the paper prints another article about the ineptitude of the PCPD.” He fisted his hands at side. “When are you going to stop making me look like a joke?”

“When the city council starts giving me the money I need to hire new officers, upgrade the labs…” Mac Scorpio shoved the paper back at him. “I don’t know—when everyone stops pretending Port Charles is just going through a rough patch. We have mob wars every five seconds, and that’s just the expected crime. I don’t have the resources—”

“Why should we give you more money?” Floyd demanded. “You can’t even close simple murders. The one they’re talking about there…Zander Smith from the hotel fire. How hard can that be?”

Mac raised his eyebrows. “You mean the body that was so burned that we had to wait for DNA to come back? Yeah, we know he was hit with something before the fire, but it’s not like we have much of a crime scene—”

“So? Investigate anyway. Question some people. What the hell did people do before crime labs and fingerprints?”

“Didn’t solve much, I imagine.” Mac leaned back in his chair. “So what, you want me to make a show at it so you can tout progress in the papers? I can’t imagine anything more useless—”

“Since when did you think this job would be easy?” the mayor interrupted. “Maybe you get a confession. Maybe you get evidence. How the hell should I know? But not investigating—”

“Who said we’re not investigating?” Mac demanded. “I questioned his ex-wife and her new boyfriend. Nikolas Cassadine is a viable suspect, but the fire was such a clusterfuck, there’s no way to tell when Smith was hit, and whether Cassadine has an alibi, and let’s face it, Zander Smith had a lot of enemies. Sonny Corinthos and Jason Morgan aren’t too sorry to see the last of him. Our own district attorney probably doesn’t mind him out of the picture, since his wife got knocked up by him—”

“Then it sounds like you’ve got a good list of people to examine.” Floyd pulled on his coat. “I expect to see some progress in the next few weeks, Commissioner. On this and other cases.” He opened the door, so that officers outside might be able to hear him. “Or I’ll find someone else who can do this job.”

He slammed the door behind him. Mac scrubbed a hand over his face. “There are days I wish I were still running a restaurant,” he muttered.

6
We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young

Friday, March 26, 2003

Port Charles Docks

Ric had been sitting on this bench for more than twenty minutes, conscious of the fact that his lunch break from the office was nearly over and he could not see himself returning to the office, not for another round of questioning from the police commissioner on Zander Smith. Two weeks ago, the renewed inquiry would not have bothered him—he would have assumed Nikolas Cassadine had done it to get the bastard out of his life.

Now…he knew better.

He had known Elizabeth had been withdrawn, had been falling into some sort of depression since the fire, but Ric had attributed to other factors. She was pregnant after all, and he thought some women had issues like this, but he was lying to himself if he said he hadn’t worried. He had begun to believe she was regretting her decision to let him back in her life, to trust him again. He had thought if he just said nothing, just attempted to establish a sense of normalcy that had been lacking the year before…she would come around.

She would remember that she loved him.

Instead she had been punishing herself for having killed the father of her child. He knew Zander had had to have done something—said something—to drive the relatively peaceful Elizabeth into doing something like that, but he was cognizant of how it would look. Elizabeth was newly married to another man, eager to have Zander out of her baby’s life permanently, and had not once come forward. Self-defense would be difficult to prove, and Ric was not at all sanguine as to whether he could prevent charges from being filed.

They had to keep the truth covered up—he had to protect Elizabeth from the new investigations. Mac had started the inquiry due to orders from the mayor, but the parentage of Elizabeth’s child was common knowledge, and he was sure Mac would show up on their doorstep any day, and Elizabeth was feeling so desperate and guilty, she might confess.

As Ric turned towards the stairs, he saw a figure on the far side of the docks emerge from the Corinthos & Morgan Coffeehouse. Jason.

There were few men Ric loathed more than his brother—but Jason Morgan might be next in line, if for no other reason than the relationship his wife had once shared with Jason. But maybe it was that relationship Ric could use to protect Elizabeth.

Ric could not spirit Elizabeth out of town. If he set her up in an apartment or a house anywhere but Port Charles, it would look like he was hiding something. But if Elizabeth left town on her own accord, facilitated by someone Mac might not think to look at…

He would rather people think Elizabeth had left him than watch her be charged for a murder of man who was better off dead.

7
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone

Jason’s Penthouse

Carly leaned against Jason’s desk and closed her eyes. “The look on his face in the court room, Jase…” She tilted her head back, her blonde hair falling down her back. “The judge asked him who he wanted to live with and he was so angry at having to choose…”

Jason set his pen down and pushed away the ledgers for the warehouse. “I’m not sure what you want me to say, Carly. You know this isn’t fair to Michael.”

“I know.” She swiped at her eyes. “I want to make it stop. After the last two court hearings, I’ve begged Sonny to settle it between us, to do something with joint custody. I don’t want to have to bring in his job because there’s all the things I’ve done…” Carly hesitated. “And if I bring Sonny’s work into it, it opens you up—”

“I know.” Jason stood and walked across the room to his balcony, overlooking the harbor. “Michael asked me about AJ.”

Carly straightened. “What?”

“He wanted to know what was so wrong with AJ that he was better off with you and Sonny.” Jason turned back to her. “And I couldn’t answer him.”

Carly bit her lip and looked away. “All the things AJ has done—”

“What has he done really?” Jason pressed. “Nothing that you and Sonny aren’t doing to Michael now. But back when you got pregnant, Carly, you know he was sober.”

“I do.” Carly looked away, remembering that she and AJ had been friends once. “And you know, at first, I just didn’t want Tony to know. And then I did all those awful things to him…there was no going back after that.”

“I know.” Jason folded his arms across his chest. “But AJ is a third option to the problems you’re having with Sonny. He’s the biological father who signed his rights away under duress.”

Carly frowned. “You mean the meat locker? Yeah…” She pursed her lips. “But Zander was there, and he’s dead now. There aren’t any witnesses.”

Jason was silent for a long moment. “If you could get AJ to testify in front of the judge that he was afraid Sonny might kill him if he didn’t sign, you know a judge would listen.”

“But if I go to AJ and ask for this, he’ll take Michael from me for good.” Carly planted her hands on her hips. “And how would that be better?”

“Carly.” Jason shook his head. “If you keep putting Michael and Morgan through this, keep making them choose…you’re going to lose Michael anyway. Sonny is in a bad place right now and he’s angry. If you get custody of Michael, you’ll get Morgan as well. And then Sonny will have to negotiate. He’ll agree to joint custody if you end up with full.”

“I have to think about this,” Carly said after a moment. “I don’t know if going to AJ is the best decision and I just…I have to think about this.”

8
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It’s the bitter taste of losing everything
That I’ve held so dear

Monday, March 29, 2004

The Docks

When Jason came down the steps towards the warehouse, Ric sprang up from the bench where he had been waiting. “Morgan.”

Jason stopped and turned. “You know the deal, Ric. Lawyer before questioning—”

“It’s not about the fire or what happened to Capelli—”

“We have nothing else to talk about.” Jason turned away and Ric bit back a swear. He hated this, hated having to feel like he was begging this man he hated more than anything in this world.

But he wasn’t the man he’d been the year before. He was trying to be better and Jason would help Elizabeth.

“It’s about Elizabeth.” And just like that, Jason stopped walking. He turned and looked at him, his face impassive.

“What about her?”

Ric dragged his fingers through his hair. “I don’t know if you’ve seen her around town lately,” he began, “but she’s not well. She’s depressed, withdrawn, and her health is suffering.”

Jason hesitated, as if he wanted to say something sarcastic but couldn’t. After all, it was Elizabeth they were discussing. “I’ve seen her.”

“She feels guilty about…” Ric paused and stepped closer, lowering his voice. “She did something the night of the fire. To protect her child. In self defense. I can’t be any more specific in public.”

“The night of the fire,” Jason repeated, looking away. “Zander was the father of her baby, wasn’t he?” he asked quietly.

“He was.” Satisfied that Jason was not as thick as Ric had always believed him to be, he pressed on. “The mayor is pressing Mac to look into particular murder cases and get them resolved. I don’t want Elizabeth here. Before Mac can get the investigation moving, I want her to leave town.”

“So send her out of town,” Jason replied. “You have money and resources—”

“And as the DA, if I do that, we both look guilty.” Ric hesitated. “It would be better if looked like I had nothing to do with it, as if maybe Elizabeth left me.”

Jason’s face didn’t change, but Ric could see the muscles twitch around his eyes. He was surprised. “You want people to think your wife came to me for help to get away from you.”

Ric took a deep breath. “It’s not the ideal solution, and I know you don’t believe me. Hell, Elizabeth barely believes me, but I love her. I didn’t put her first last year and I did things that…” he swallowed when Jason’s eyes narrowed. “I did things that make me sick to my stomach. No one will be surprised if she leaves me, if she decides she can’t trust me.” He hesitated. “And you can understand loving someone more than you love being with them, that for their own sanity and safety, they need to be as far as away from certain situations. From you.”

Jason looked away. “And what does Elizabeth want?”

“Talk to her.” Ric took another step towards him. “She’s…not doing well. She only told me what happened because the doctor told her that the depression was compromising the baby, but I’m…” He swallowed hard. “I’m afraid I’m not enough to pull her out of this, and whether I like it or not, she trusts you. More than she trusts me.” He closed his eyes. “Please, Jason. I know you would crawl through fire before doing me a favor, but Elizabeth…she’s better than both of us and we both know she doesn’t deserve to live with this guilt.”

Jason cleared his throat and looked away. “I’m not making any promises until I talk to her. If she wants my help, I’ll give it. Because you’re right…” He looked back at Ric. “I would rather see you dead for what you did to Carly. To Elizabeth. But…” He expressed a slow breath. “So I’ll do this for her.”

9
I’ve fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come round here
And tell me I told you so

Lansing Home: Living Room

Elizabeth paged through her pregnancy journals, doing some of the exercises the doctor had recommended to get excited about the baby. Dr. Meadows thought Elizabeth was depressed because she wasn’t ready to become a mother.

Joke was on her—the baby was the only reason Elizabeth was getting out of bed in the morning and forcing herself. In the two weeks since she had told Ric the truth, she had started to feel better physically. The more she ate, the more her appetite returned and her skin didn’t look as pale.

The doorbell rang, interrupting her as she made a list of baby names to consider. She stood and went to answer it. “Jason?” She tilted her head to the side, confused. “Why are you here?”

“Can I come in?” he asked. She nodded and stepped back, watching him curiously as he entered and tried to look away from the wall that had held the panic room. “How can you live here?” he asked in a low voice. “Knowing…”

“I try not to think about it,” Elizabeth murmured. “The panic room is gone now, and I think we’re supposed to pretend it didn’t happen.” She closed the door and pressed her forehead against it. Another reason to feel like the lowest human being—to be living in the home where his pregnant best friend had been held against her will for months.

“Is that why you came?” she asked dully. “To remind me what a horrible person I am for coming back here? For marrying Ric again? It won’t be news to me.”

Jason didn’t answer her, so she finally turned and looked at him, and saw his forehead wrinkled in concern. “Jason, why—”

“Do you think you’re horrible person for doing those things?” he interrupted. “For giving Ric another chance to prove himself?” He hesitated. “Or do you think that it’s what you deserve because you killed Zander.”

Elizabeth opened her mouth, and then closed it again. She looked away. “I suppose Ric told you, though I can’t understand why. He hasn’t wanted to talk about it since I told him, and I thought that if I told him, we could do something about it, so that I could…” She shook her head, her features pained, tears sliding down her cheeks. “So that maybe I could wake up in the morning and not wish I hadn’t.” She hesitated. “That’s not why I married him again, Jason, but maybe that’s why I’m still with him.”

“Then why did you marry him again?” Jason pressed. “You know, more than anyone else save Carly, what he did.” He exhaled slowly. “I’m not here to argue, I want to help you, but I don’t know how because you don’t seem to want to it.”

“I married him again because I was pregnant.” Elizabeth pressed a hand to her belly, and looked down. “Because I wanted to believe that someone loved me, and I thought that if Sonny could…let Ric walk around free, then there had to be a reason…I don’t know what you want me to say, Jason. There aren’t any good reasons. Because I was afraid to be alone, maybe.” She hesitated. “Ric went to you so you could help me?”

“He wants you to leave town because the PCPD is apparently ramping up its investigation into Zander’s death, and he wants you gone before it becomes suspicious. He thinks if he helps you go, it’ll make people wonder, but if I help you…”

“It will be like I left him.” Elizabeth tucked her hair behind her ears. “Jason, I…killed him. Why shouldn’t I be arrested for it?”

“Then why didn’t you turn yourself in?” Jason asked. He put his hands in the pockets of his open leather jacket, his gaze sweeping over her hollowed eyes with the black circles. “You’re making yourself sick with the guilt, Elizabeth. I can take you to the police station if that’s what you want.”

“I…” Elizabeth pressed her lips together. “I should say yes.”

“But you’re not saying it.” Jason nodded. “Elizabeth, whatever you think about what you did, you know it had to be self-defense. I don’t believe you’d be capable of anything else.”

Elizbeth twisted her fingers together and stared at the floor. “He’d stolen the custody papers from Ric’s office,” she murmured. “The ones terminating his paternity rights, and he’d only give them to me if I convinced Emily to come to him. He was so angry…” Her voice broke. “I told him I couldn’t…that I would rather fight him in court because I would win, and he laughed at me because maybe he wouldn’t get custody, but any judge in the world would take my baby from me, too.”

Jason stepped closer to her. “Elizabeth—”

“He was right. I can let myself ignore the truth all I want, but a judge would just have to hear that I married a man who tried to kill Sonny twice, who kidnapped Carly and hid her in a panic room so we could raise her child…” The tears were sliding down her face. “A man who drugged me with birth control pills so we wouldn’t have our own baby, and nearly killed me…” She turned away from him. “What kind of mother would I be…staying with a man like that?”

Jason didn’t say anything, and for a horrible moment, she thought he agreed with her. Instead, he stepped forward and pulled her into a tight hug, and Elizabeth buried her face in his chest, letting the tears fall. “Elizabeth, I’ll do whatever you ask me to do. Whatever you need from me.” He paused. “Tell me what happened next with Zander.”

“I wanted to leave,” she whispered against his shirt. “I turned to leave, but he grabbed my arm and he pulled me back to him. He told me it was Emily or my baby, I had to choose. I kept trying to pull away from him, and he was saying all the these things…about what a…”

“What did he say?”

Elizabeth pulled away from him and turned to look out the front window. “He said I was a slut, that I only slept with him when I couldn’t have who I really wanted, that Ric was just you in a suit…” Her voice broke. “And he told me I deserved Ric, because we were both selfish, disgusting people that only thought about ourselves.” She scrubbed her hands over her eyes. “I guess I panicked. I didn’t know if he was going to let me go, and maybe I just wanted him to stop talking, to stop being this man I didn’t know anymore…somehow the pipe was in my hand and I hit him with it.”

She turned back to look at him. “So if I left out the things Zander said to me that were personal, I could claim self-defense, I know that, but there are moments when I think I hit him to make him stop talking, so I could stop remembering that I had slept with him, that he was the father of my child.” Her lips twisted into grimaced smile. “So do you still want to help me?”

She watched Jason take a deep breath and knew if he walked out the door, after she told him things about that night that she hadn’t even said to Ric, she knew she would never come out on the other side of this with her sanity intact.

Instead, he said, “Yes. Elizabeth…he knew where to hit you the hardest…what to say to you.” Jason cupped her cheek. “So he said what he thought would make you want him to go away, to go get Emily and leave him in peace. He knew how you felt deep down about yourself, because you think those things are true.”

“Aren’t they?” Elizabeth closed her eyes. “I did sleep with Zander the first time when I wanted to be with you, and I threw him in your face because you wouldn’t give me what I wanted. I did date Ric because he reminded me of you, and I did demand Zander give up his child without even giving him a chance to turn his life around. Aren’t I a selfish tr—”

“Stop it.” Jason shook his head. “Stop it, Elizabeth. You know that it’s more complicated than that. People, they do things they’re not proud of, and they would take them back if they could.” He stepped back. “I want to take you out of town, to a place where you could move on with a new life if you wanted to, and I want you to find a therapist or someone to talk to…who isn’t…” He hesitated. “Elizabeth, you obviously believe the things Zander said to you, and I don’t know if there’s anything I can say to you to change your mind, to see you the way I see you.”

“You want me to start my life over somewhere else?” Elizabeth frowned. “But…I’m married…” she looked down at her feet. “You think I should leave Ric.”

“I want you as far away from that son of a bitch as I can get you,” Jason answered starkly. “I think you’re staying with him now to punish yourself, and you deserve better than that, but until you believe that, there’s not much I can do. But yes, you need to appear to be starting a new life if Ric’s plan is going to work.”

Elizabeth walked past him and sank onto the sofa, silent for a long time. “You’re right,” she murmured. “I do believe what he said, but if you don’t…” She looked up at him. “And you would have the right to believe the worst in me…I pulled a gun on you when you tried to search my home for Carly, I fought you every inch of the way last summer. I should have let you rip the walls out.” She looked over at the wall that had once held the panic room. “I hate myself for not believing you. I should have. I don’t know how Carly can look at me without wanting me on the other side of the planet—”

“Elizabeth—”

“So, yes, I hate myself,” Elizabeth continued, “but if you don’t think I should…then I can accept…” She smoothed her hand over the cover of her pregnancy journal with the list of baby names. “I can accept the possibility that I deserve better. That I have a right to be a mother, and keep my freedom.” She looked up at him. “Where would I go?”

10
Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I’m lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know

Monday, March 25, 2004

Jason’s Penthouse

Carly pushed open Jason’s door. “I came as soon as you called—” She stopped, seeing Jason at his desk, flipping through travel brochures. “What are those?” She closed the door and set her purse on the desk next to him. “You going out of town?”

“Yeah.” Jason set the papers down. “I’m doing a favor for a friend. I need to get someone out of town and do it without suspicion.” He hesitated. “And I was thinking I could take…them to New Orleans.”

Carly frowned and folded her arms across her chest. “New Orleans.” She tilted her head to the side. “AJ’s there, isn’t he? Ned got him a job down there.”

“He is.” Jason leaned against the desk. “I could use this opportunity to see him, if he’s sober. If he’d be open to a custody arrangement with you.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “You and the boys can’t keep going on like this. If nothing else, you could get Sonny to back down—”

“Jase…” Carly shook her head. “I haven’t even really thought about this—you’re asking me to let AJ in Michael’s life….as if we’re not going through enough.” She looked at the ceiling. “You think Sonny would back down if I told him I was going to AJ? Because maybe the threat could be enough, and I wouldn’t even have to get AJ involved.”

“I think…” Jason hesitated and considered his best friend’s behavior regarding Carly and the boys since they had been separated. “It’s a possibility threatening it…letting Sonny know what you’re doing, would be enough to convince him to keep fighting for full custody. He’s not rational about AJ.”

“Jase, what are you doing? You’re suggesting I ask AJ, the man who stalked Courtney, to be involved in my son’s life?” Carly pressed. “This is…it’s insanity—”

“I hate him for that,” Jason interrupted. “I hate him for the fear he brought into her life, for terrorizing her and making her afraid to be in her own skin….but…” He looked at her. “You drugged him and made him think he was drinking again. I slept with his wife before she could change the locks after he moved out. Sonny hung him from a meat hook and threatened to kill him to get him to give up his rights. Are any of us innocent?”

Carly looked away. “This is the problem with being friends with you. You make the impossible sound rational and down right logical.” She exhaled slowly. “If I said no, I’d only be delaying the inevitable, because Michael’s asking questions about him and he’s made it as clear to me as he did to you that he finds AJ the far better option right now, and I suppose I don’t blame him.” She picked up her purse. “All right. Go talk to him. See what you can do.”

11
Oh they turn their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don’t see
But it’s one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn’t seem a way to be redeemed

Thursday, April 1, 2004

New Orleans, Lousiana, Garden District: Chestnut Street House

Elizabeth walked up the walk of a beautiful Victorian home that much too large for just one person. She paused at the steps up to the porch and turned back to Jason. “This isn’t where I’m staying the entire time, is it? It’s a hotel or something.”

“I had a reason to come to New Orleans, so we were able to get out without causing suspicion,” Jason said patiently, “and I wanted to find you something in a quiet neighborhood where people mind their own business. You get tourists walking past to look at it, but it’s not like Port Charles where everyone knows everything.”

She sighed and thought about arguing further, but he had that implacable look on his face so she just went to the porch and waited for him to open the door. He signaled to the two guards carrying her bags to follow them. “Are they going to be around all the time?” she asked. She tucked her hair behind her ears. “I—”

“One is for the day shift, and the other for evening,” Jason said. “They’ll just be on the door. It’s just a precaution.” He turned to them. “Cody, Oliver, put Mrs. Lansing’s bags in the master bedroom, it should already be ready—it’ll be the only one with furniture. You know your assignments.”

“But—” Elizabeth protested, but obeyed as Jason steered her into the sitting room. “This is too much for one person, Jason. I thought I was going to get an apartment in New York or something.” She hesitated. “Not that I’m not grateful—”

“I needed to come to New Orleans and if things work out the way I think they might, I’ll be coming back a few times, so I can check on you without anyone back home raising an eyebrow.” Jason eyed the room, which was decorated a bit more ornately than the realtor had indicated.

“I guess you’re right.” She sank onto the couch and looked out the large bay windows to the garden in the front yard. “I feel lighter here,” she admitted. “Without seeing the docks or the hospital, or just…memories of everything that went wrong.” She looked up at him. “Are you leaving right away?”

“No.” Jason sat across from her.. “No, I’m going to stay for a few days to make sure you have everything you need. And…” he grimaced. “I have to talk to AJ about Michael.”

Elizabeth raised her eyebrows. “AJ?”

“To end this standoff between Carly and Sonny,” Jason continued. He leaned back, looking exhausted. “They’re suing each for full custody, making Michael testify in court, asking him to choose which parent he wants to live with, arguing in front of them…it’s just a mess.”

Elizabeth rested her hand on her belly. “And you think adding AJ to the mix will make it better?” she asked skeptically.

“I think…” Jason hesitated. “Michael is already asking questions about him, and if we try to put him off for much longer, he might just go to Edward for AJ’s contact information himself. He knows AJ is his biological father.”

“Natural that he’s curious.” She bit her lip. “I hope it works out for Michael. It seems a shame that everything you went through to give him a good life seems to have been for nothing.”

Jason exhaled slowly. “Yeah…” He stood. “I’m going to do a walk around the house to make sure everything is the way the realtor said it would be.”

He left the room, and Elizabeth sighed. She was out of practice at being a good friend and good listener, that much was clear. After what Jason had done for her so far this week, she just wished she could offer him some encouragement in return.

She still felt the oppressive guilt of having killed the father of her child, but Jason’s calm and steady belief that it was self-defense had gone a long way towards helping her sleep at night. Jason didn’t appear to hold Carly’s imprisonment against her—had only been bewildered and concerned that Elizabeth would give Ric a second chance.

She could hold on to his faith in her, and let that be the first step in building a new life for herself and her child.

12
Though I’ve tried, I’ve fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know

Friday, April 2, 2004

New Orleans, Uptown District: AJ Quartermaine’s Apartment

AJ Quartermaine frowned and pulled the door open wider. “Jason…?” He stepped back to allow the other man entry. “Why are…” He hesitated. “Did something happen to Mom or Emily?”

Jason stepped into the room, casting his eyes quickly around, taking in the well-decorated and tidy living space. He turned to face AJ. “No. I’m here about Michael.”

AJ’s mouth tightened, color faded from his cheeks. “Is he…did something…” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Is he all right?”

“Yeah.” Jason shifted, shoved his hands in his pockets and looked away. “Sonny and Carly are getting a divorce, but it’s pretty bitter. They’ve dragged the boys into a custody battle, and Michael’s been asked to choose which parent…” He shook his head. “He’s not doing so well.”

AJ exhaled roughly. “Well, I can’t say I’m surprised, but I’m not sure what it has to do with me.” He crossed the room to stand by the window, looking out over the Mississippi River.

“Michael’s been asking about you,” Jason said after a long moment. “And he asked me what was so bad about you that living with Sonny and Carly was the better option.”

“Hmm…” AJ offered a slight smile. “To be thirteen again and sure the people who raised you were your worst enemy.” He hesitated. “But I guess you don’t know what I mean by that.” When Jason said nothing, AJ just shrugged. “So you give him the list of my sins? That I destroyed your life and tried to let Ned take the rap? That I’m a worthless drunk who pushed Carly down the stairs and stalked his own wife?”

“I didn’t have an answer,” Jason said after another moment. “Because at the time I claimed paternity, the only thing that was true was that you were a worthless drunk who crashed a car, and it didn’t seem fair to unload the rest of it on him.”

AJ considered him, remaining silent until finally, “Jason, I don’t understand why you’re here. Are you apologizing for claiming paternity of my son? What’s going on?”

“I think…” Jason said, slowly, “that if you were to testify that you signed your rights away because you were afraid for your life, the judge would award Carly full custody of the boys, which means Sonny would be forced to accept joint. Right now, he wants her out of their lives entirely. He’s being unreasonable, and I didn’t…” He looked up and cleared his throat. “I didn’t give Michael up so he could be put through this.”

“And if I testify…” AJ folded his arms across his chest. “If I testified to help Carly get custody, where would that leave me? What’s the point of helping her retain custody of the boys when all she’s ever done is keep me from my own son?”

“I don’t have all the answers,” Jason said after a long pause. “I just know Michael is asking questions about you, and even if he learns all the things you’ve done, he’s not going to understand why that’s bad enough to keep you two apart, especially since Sonny is…who he is.” He looked at the floor. “I told Carly that if she keeps refusing to answer Michael’s question, one day, he’s just going to come to you, and if the only side Michael gets is yours, it’s just going to make everything worse. He needs the truth. Whatever that is. She’ll lose Michael, otherwise.”

AJ blinked. “You’re…standing there…telling me that Carly has agreed I should…I should be in Michael’s life. And you engineered it.” He laughed harshly. “I’d say this is a joke, but it’s not like you’re one for humor.”

“I told Carly that I would come down here, and see how you were. If you were…in a better place than you were in Port Charles.” Jason shifted the weight from one foot to another. “I guess you are. You look sober.”

“I am.” AJ hesitated. “What I did to Courtney, even sober, made me realize that living in Port Charles was the reason I couldn’t get anywhere in life. I was always going to feel second, or even worthless there.” He paused. “I know you don’t believe me, but I loved my wife. It just…drove me insane that she always turned to you.” He looked away. “I’ve been sober for fourteen months. I go to AA meetings once a week, and when it gets bad, which it does around the anniversary of the accident or in the summer, when my drinking caused Courtney to…” He shook his head. “I go every day. I have a sponsor, if you want to meet him for confirmation. I work for subsidiary of ELQ, and I do relatively well for myself. But I won’t promise you I won’t ever take another a drink. I don’t make promises I can’t guarantee.”

“Okay.” Jason nodded. “I’ll let Carly know.” He turned towards the door, but stepped back. “AJ, I’m sorry…about Courtney. I shouldn’t have…”

AJ shrugged. “We married for the wrong reasons and neither of us loved the other enough to go the distance. I know that now. I hope she’s happier with you.”

Jason left, not bothering to tell him that his own marriage to the same woman had lasted roughly the same amount of time. He had other things on his mind.

I messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come round here
And tell me I told you so

1
I will be the answer
At the end of the lineSunday, April 2, 2004

New Orleans, Garden District: Chestnut Street House

He found her sitting in an almost empty room, with nothing but a chair propped by a window that overlooked some the slightly overgrown gardens. “Hey.”

Elizabeth twisted in her chair and smiled wanly at him. “Hey. I was just trying to find the best room to…” She shrugged. “I don’t know…sit around in for long periods of time.” She got to her feet. “It’s going to be weird being all on my own here. Back home, I was alone a lot, but I could have called my grandmother or Emily.” She sighed and cast her eyes back to the gardens. “Not much of an option here.”

Jason stepped towards her. “You look better than the day I first visited you in Port Charles,” he told her. “Your color’s coming back.”

“After that horrible doctor’s appointment,” Elizabeth said slowly, “where Dr. Meadows threatened to admit me for observation unless I started taking care of myself, I don’t think I thought about what I was doing to my son.” She braced her hand against the small of her back. “I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t sleeping. There were days I stayed in bed and just stared at the ceiling.”

“I wish…” Jason hesitated. “I wish that you felt like you could have come to me on your own. That you could have talked to me about all of this.”

“I know.” Elizabeth walked towards the entryway, back to the furnished living room with Jason following her. “But I couldn’t tell anyone. You’re the only one who knows what happened that night in the hotel,” she admitted. She glanced back at him. “I only told Ric that Zander had the papers and threatened me.”

Jason shoved his hands into the pocket of his jacket. “Why not?”

She sank onto the sofa and clasped her hands in what was left of her lap. “I don’t know…Maybe I wasn’t sure Ric wouldn’t have agreed with Zander on a few things.” Her brow furrowed, she paused for only a minute. “About why I was with Ric in the first place,” she murmured.

Because she couldn’t be with him. Jason cleared his throat and sat across from her in an armchair. “I don’t want you to feel alone down here,” he said, noting that his change of subject released some of the tension in her expression. “I’m going to call you at least once every other day, every day if I can manage it without looking strange. If people in the town buy the story Ric and I tried to set up—that you left him, that I’m helping you to set up a new life somewhere far away from him, then it won’t look odd if I stay involved.”

“Okay,” Elizabeth agreed. She stretched her hands out. “How did it go with AJ? Can you talk about it?”

“Yeah.” Jason leaned back, letting his head fall against the chair as he looked at the ceiling. “Yeah. He looked…sober.” He scrubbed his hands across his face. “He offered me the contact information for his sponsor so I could verify that he goes to meetings often.”

“That’s good, then.” Elizabeth smiled hesitantly. “I know Emily and Monica will be relieved to know he’s doing so well.”

“He asked me if I was there to apologize for claiming paternity of Michael,” Jason said quietly. He looked at her. “I didn’t know how to answer him.”

“Are you sorry?” Elizabeth asked. “You never used to think about what-ifs.”

“I didn’t see the point in constantly wishing you had done something differently,” he answered almost absently. “Things were what they were. People did what they did, and they couldn’t take it back. You had to deal with what was in front of you.”

“That was always the major difference between us,” she said, almost wistfully. “I constantly think about what could have been. I’ll think of a moment and think…if I could just go back to that moment in time, there were a thousand things I could have done differently.” She sighed.  “But I think you have the better outlook. There is no point in wishing you could change the past, you should take what you’ve learned and do better.” She wrinkled her nose, and for a moment, looked as young and carefree as she used when they’d meet on the docks and she’d show him paintings or they’d take rides. “Of course, that kind of stuff is always easier said than done.”

“So…what do you think you’ve learned?” Jason asked.

“I tihnk…” Elizabeth pursed her lips. “I think I’ve learned that it’s always better to trust your gut instinct, and not protect yourself from the truth, and to remember that just because someone lets you down once or twice, or even a few times, it doesn’t make them less reliable.” Her eyes found his and her expression was somber. “It doesn’t mean you’re not still friends, deep under the hurt and pain.  I’ve learned that you should trust yourself first, and if you can’t…” She shrugged. “Then you should figure out why and do better.”

“That’s a lot to learn,” Jason said, almost amused. “I’m not sorry that I claimed paternity of Michael,” he said. “Because there’s no way to know if knowing about Michael would have kept AJ from drinking. He might have crashed a car with him inside, like he did with me.” He hesitated. “I amsorry that it created more problems than it solved, that it hurt Robin, it hurt Michael, I know it hurt Emily and Monica, and Lila.”

“And you got that wonderful year with him,” Elizabeth said with a smile.

“Yeah.” Jason’s smile was more genuine now. “And it was worth it.” He rubbed his hands on his denim-clad thighs. “I’m going to tell Carly she should work out a custody agreement with AJ, that Michael deserves the opportunity to make up his mind about his father without anyone else telling him what they think.”

“Do you think that will help matters with Sonny?” she asked. “I know it must be difficult to be so at odds with him.”

“I guess it’s because I thought…when I arranged for Carly and Sonny to have custody of Michael, to really remove myself from Michael’s life that way…” Jason paused. “I thought I was making the best choice, that he could have a real family, but Sonny and Carly have been apart more than they’re together, Morgan hasn’t known a moment’s peace his entire life…” He shook his head. “I hope this helps bring Sonny into reality. There isn’t a judge in the world that will give him full custody.”

“I hope so, too.” She hesitated. “So, what’s good to eat in New Orleans? I haven’t had dinner yet.”

2
I will be there for you
While you take the timeMonday, April 3, 2004

Jason’s Penthouse

Carly sat gingerly on the sofa, clasped her hands together tightly. “So he was sober.” She nodded, more to herself than to Jason. “That’s good.”

“Carly.” He sat next to her and took her hands in his. “I think Michael should find out what AJ is like for himself, make his own decisions.”

“It’s not that…” Carly swallowed hard. “It’s not that I don’t see your point, Jason, I just…I’ve spent Michael’s entire life keeping him from AJ, and now I have to face the fact I may have…” She exhaled a laugh that sounded more like a sob. “No, I know the truth. I was wrong. The AJ that left town last fall…was not the man I knew when Michael was conceived. He was drunk that night, but he was sober for a long time afterward.” She rubbed her forehead. “But I was still so swept up in Tony and in you, and I was so goddamn selfish…”

“Carly…”

“And I took Michael away. I gave him to you, I gave him to Sonny, as if he were this toy I could give to the man of the moment.” She shook her head. “But I never…I never once gave AJ the chance to see if he could be a good father.” She opened her eyes and looked at Jason, tears sliding down her cheeks. “I allowed a man who treats me like a child when things are good, and like a whore when things are bad…I allowed that man to be a father to my children.”

“I don’t…” Jason hesitated. “I don’t know what you want me to say, Carly. You made your choices. You can’t change them. You just…” He smiled, just a little. “You take what you’ve learned and do better.”

“That sounds so much like you.” Carly sighed and stood, pacing to the desk. She turned and looked at him. “It sounds like you used to. You always told me to stop planning, to stop plotting, to stop trying to think fifteen steps ahead of what was happening now. Well, Jase, I’m not planning or plotting anymore. I’m just trying to get up every day and do better than I did the day before.”

“So,” she continued after a long moment. “I think you should give me AJ’s contact information. I want to go down and see him. Not because I don’t trust you, but because there’s some things I think I should say to him and we should work this out between us—”

“Not that I don’t agree with you on that, Carly,” Jason interrupted, “but I think I should go down with you. There are…other things I have to see to.”

Carly tilted her head to the side. “That’s where you took Elizabeth.” When Jason just stared at her, she huffed. “Everyone knows she left Ric last week, and you told me there was something you needed to do. You disappeared for four days at the same time.” Se planted her hands on her hips. “So, you helped her get out, to get away from him. Why do you need to go back? Can’t she stand on her own two feet?”

“Carly, I really don’t feel like going another round with about Elizabeth right now.” Jason rubbed the back of his neck. “You know Elizabeth and I are friends—”

“I know you were friends,” Carly cut in. “I know that I watched her on those screens Ric had in the panic room. I’d say I know her pretty well, and it was just bad timing she had the embolism right after she found me. I felt sorry for her, for being manipulated by him, so I was glad when she divorced him.” She pursed her lips. “But she went back to him. She remarried him. She was going to raise her child with him—”

“Carly, are you perfect?” Jason said quietly.

She closed her mouth. “Jason—”

“You turned Sonny in to the Feds. You seduced your mother’s husband. When you just list all the mistakes a person’s made without any…” He stopped. “Carly, you don’t know what was going through Elizabeth’s mind. You should know better than anyone else in the world how easy it can be to justify actions inside your own head.”

Carly looked down at the floor and sighed. “It annoys the crap out of me when you have a point, Jason. It really does.” She rolled her shoulders. “Fine. You and Elizabeth are the unstoppable love story of the century. Whatever. I will never understand the attraction, but I guess..” She heaved an exaggerated heavy sigh. “I guess it’s not really my business.”

It wasn’t worth it to correct Carly about her assumptions of any romance between he and Elizabeth. Her agreement to stay out of his life—at least for the moment—was worth any misunderstandings. “Fine. About New Orleans—”

“Sonny and I are due back in court in two weeks,” Carly said. “So I’ll want to go down this weekend, to get AJ to agree to testify. If you would like to tag along to check on…whatever, that would be your prerogative.”

3
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid groundTuesday, April 20, 2004

Garden District: Chestnut Street House

The room overlooking the gardens had become Elizabeth’s sanctuary.  She had had one of the guards drag some of the furniture from an overstuffed living room, and reluctantly agreed to use some of the money Jason set aside to create a sitting room where she could feel a sense of peace. It was in the back of the house, overlooking a gorgeous garden that must have been carefully landscaped once, but now the tulips, lillies, roses and other assorted wildflowers had broken free of their assigned plots and she thought the overgrown view of it was…better.

It wasn’t perfect, and it was okay, anyway.

It had been nearly a month since Jason had shown up at her front door, since he had listened while details of that horrible night with Zander had tumbled from her lips, and still…he had never looked disgusted or annoyed, or angry. He’d only been concerned.

 “Elizabeth, you obviously believe the things Zander said to you, and I don’t know if there’s anything I can say to you to change your mind, to see you the way I see you.”

She had clung to those words, hoping that one day, when she felt better, she could ask him what he’d meant. What did he see when he looked at her?

With the distance from Port Charles, Elizabeth could remember the fear that had coursed through her veins when Zander wouldn’t let her go. He had been out of control, she knew that, and maybe her emotions had been more ramped up because of the hateful things he had been saying, but still…she knew the next day, there had been bruises on her arm from where he’d held her.

Maybe it had not been fully self-defense, but maybe…just maybe, it hadn’t been just to make him stop talking. And if that was true, if it was both at once, where did that leave her? She was still responsible for his death, for his not being alive, but she hadn’t…she hadn’t wanted that.

Maybe she could find her way out of the guilt and the horror of the last few months, and concentrate on her child.

She turned to the stack of letters Jason had mailed her. Emily and Audrey had written her, relieved that she’d left Ric, worried about her and the baby, hopeful that she would get in touch with them soon. Lucky had written her as well, confused as to why she’d go to Jason for help. He and Nikolas would have gotten her out of town if that’s what she needed. She’d just had to say the word.

And then there was the last letter…from Ric.

She knew the people in her life hadn’t understood their marriage in December, had barely understood the first one in May. There were moments she closed her eyes, remembered the horror of finding Carly in that panic room, and then remembered she’d invited Ric back into her life again afterward.

And she knew it had been a mistake, even as she had done so. There had been no anticipation, no excitement as they had said their vows, only a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach that she was on her way to her second divorce before the first anniversary of their first marriage.

She slid the letter out of the envelope and read Ric’s declarations of love, of how difficult it was to listen to people speculate  about Elizabeth leaving him, and going to Jason for help, but that it had worked. No one was saying her name and Zander’s in the same breath. The case was going cold again, Mac had made some weak attempts to solve it, but there was always another crime to solve.

He loved her and looked forward to her coming home, hopefully before the baby came. He hoped she could find a way to write him without ruining the ruse.

She set the letter aside, troubled. Everyone in her life wanted her to leave Ric, and honestly…she knew it was true, that while they did love one another, it wasn’t healthy. She had stayed with him to prove that she didn’t walk out when it got tough, had not believed the awful things people said about him initially because she had never believed what they said about Jason. People did not know the Ric she saw. They were different when they were alone.

She stood from the sofa and crossed to the windows, smiling wistfully. If this were actually her home, if she were planing to raise her son here, she’d put a bench in the garden, so she could sit out in the sunlight and sketch.

But this house was temporary, a place for her to gather her courage and her strength, and attempt to put the pieces back together. She was terrified of being alone.

But if that fear led her to stay with a man like Ric…

It was okay if people didn’t see the Ric she knew. Love could be private and still be real. It had been with Jason, though she doubted he ever knew the depth of her feelings, and she didn’t care to speculate if his had matched. The problem with Ric was that the man everyone else saw, the man who was capable of the worst kind of violence…

She could excuse Jason’s actions, understanding they were part of a life that people chose and if people were careful, there were rarely any casualties. But Ric…he had pretended to sleep with Carly, had convinced Courtney to marry him, had lured Sonny to Martha’s Vineyard, slept with Faith…

He kidnapped Carly and held her hostage. Had drugged Elizabeth so they could not conceive their own children while he was awaiting Sonny’s child to kidnap. And she wasn’t stupid—had Ric’s plan unfolded as he had wanted, Carly would have been disposed of after she’d served her purpose.

His list of crimes, of the devastation he wreaked was so terrible, that standing here, when she stopped ignoring them, she almost couldn’t remember why she’d loved him in the first place.

4
I will hold the balance
If you can’t look downThursday, June 3, 2004

New Orleans, Uptown District: AJ’s Apartment

Jason watched as AJ took Michael’s overnight bag and directed him to a guest room. After Carly’s first visit to New Orleans, she had reluctantly agreed with Jason’s assessment. She had contacted her divorce lawyer to draw up papers so that AJ could testify in her case with Sonny and begin the necessary paperwork to reverse the termination of his rights.

Sonny had been devastated, and had offered Carly shared custody of the boys immediately, hoping to reverse her decision. But Carly had recognized what Jason had understood. Michael was growing up and they would all have to justify their actions. She told him if AJ was open to it, Sonny would remain a part of Michael’s life, but that she was going to do what she could do to resolve one of her worst moments. She was going to let AJ be a father to Michael.

AJ had flown to Port Charles long enough for the hearings and paperwork to be signed. Had met with Michael. They spoke on the phone a few times a week, and now, for the first time since Michael was a small child, AJ was going to have an entire week with his son.

Jason had agreed to do the drop-off, wanting an excuse to check in on Elizabeth. They spoke a few times a week on the phone and he had daily reports from her guard. Elizabeth’s health was good, her demeanor seemed better, but he wasn’t convinced, and he wasn’t sure she wasn’t pretending.

AJ reappeared. “He’s setting up his laptop and unpacking,” he said, trying to contain his broad grin. “I can’t…” he cleared his throat, and looked away, trying to maintain his composure. “I can’t believe he’s really here.”

“I’m glad he’s getting this opportunity,” Jason said after a moment. He was unsure what to say, how to act with this man who was his brother, but yet, a stranger. “AJ…”

“Jase…” AJ held up a hand. “I know. I won’t screw this up. I’ve dreamed about this for years and now that I have it, nothing is going to—”

“I know you won’t mess it up,” Jason interrupted. “I was going to say…” He hesitated. “When Michael began asking questions about you, I think I understood for the first time how it looked from the outside, how it would look to him, the way we had almost traded fathers around. From Tony, to you, to me, to you, and to Sonny, as if there was something wrong with him, that none of these people bothered to stay around.” He paused. “I realized that we were going to have explain those years to him in a way that made sense, and honestly, I couldn’t.”

AJ sank onto the sofa, his eyes still on his younger brother. “I know what you mean, because the time is going to come when I have to explain to my son that I was a fall down drunk that no one trusted enough to rely on. Had I been any other kind of man, from any other family, maybe Carly—”

“She thought you were going to screw up her chance with Tony,” Jason cut in. “And that the Quartermaines were going to take Michael away. What she did actually had very little to do with you as a person, but the reason I agreed…” The truth of it made him almost ill. “The reason I agreed is because I didn’t particularly give a damn about you, beyond being related to Lila and Emily.”

“Yeah, Jase…” AJ sighed. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me. I always figured you had agreed because Carly asked, and you didn’t care enough to say no. But I did that to you. I crashed the car and changed your life.” He stood. “We can’t ever go back and change it, but I should tell you…” He pressed lips together. “You were a good father to him, and I know the way he turned out is in large part because of you in his life, so in the interests of Michael, maybe we could just leave the past in the past.” He held out a hand.

And to Jason’s surprise, taking the offered hand didn’t feel odd or even wrong. Despite AJ’s many transgressions, Jason’s hadn’t been much better. Neither of them could claim superiority.

“I hope that you don’t…” Jason looked away. “That you don’t blame yourself for the accident anymore. I have a good life, AJ. It took a while to get there, but I did. So I don’t blame you.”

AJ closed his eyes. “Thank you,” he said quietly.

5
If it takes my whole life
I won’t break, I won’t bendSaturday, June 5, 2004

Garden District: Chestnut Street House

Elizabeth considered the distance from the floor to the table where she wanted to prop her feet. Any movement in her ninth month of pregnancy felt like a major decision, and all pros and cons needed to be weighed.

But her feet hurt, so she leaned back against the sofa and began the process.

Jason glanced up from the other end of the sofa where he’d been reading a travel book, his lips curved into a smile. “You want some help with that?”

“I want to say no because I think you’re mocking me, but…” she sighed, and closed her eyes. “If you could.”

He set the book down on the couch, and leaned forward, grasping her legs at the calves and gently lifting them so she was propped up on the coffee table. “You want a pillow?”

“No.” Elizabeth opened her eyes and looked at him. “You’re staying the whole week for Michael, aren’t you? In case he doesn’t want to stay.”

“Yes,” Jason admitted. He picked up the book—on Croatia, she noted—and flipped a page. “But I don’t think he will. Michael seemed to get along with him, and they were both excited about seeing some of the sights.” He eyed her. “And you’re about twelve seconds from labor, so I thought I’d stick around through your due date next week, if that’s okay.”

“Again, I want to say no…” Elizabeth rested her hands on her abdomen. “These last two months, away from Port Charles and all that baggage…” she blew out a breath. “This has meant the world to me, you know.”

“You look good,” Jason said. “You don’t look…I don’t know…” he hesitated. “Unhappy.”

“I think…I’m beginning to accept that what happened that night with Zander, when he died,” she said in a halting tone, “doesn’t have to define my life. I don’t have to punish myself for a single moment of fear.” Twisting her wedding ring on her finger. “I think I had let myself forget that, sitting back at home, constantly surrounded by memories of that night. I forgot that I was terrified, that he had this look in his eyes that I had never seen before, not even on his worst days.”

“The case is pretty cold,” Jason said after a moment. “You could probably come home if you wanted to.”

She closed her eyes. “People still think I left Ric. They must wonder if I’m filing for divorce.”

“I don’t…” He scratched the corner of his eyebrow. “I don’t listen to much gossip, but yeah, I guess people assumed you might have. To avoid your son being born into the marriage, which could complicate things.”

“Yeah…” Elizabeth pursed her lips. “It would complicate things.” She turned her head and met his eyes. “I haven’t just been trying to move past my guilt about Zander. I’ve been…” she licked her lips. “I’ve really been thinking about my marriage, and my choices to stay with Ric. To marry him both times.”

Jason tapped the page, and she could see him warring with the desire to ask her to elaborate, but not wanting to push. And she wondered if he really wanted to have this conversation.

“To be honest, Jason,” she said slowly, “the first time I married him, I used a lot of the arguments with myself that I had always used with other people about you.” When the skin around his mouth tightened, she continued. “I always figured that people had no right to judge you when they didn’t really know you, they didn’t see you the way I did.” She turned her back towards her views of the garden. “They weren’t there the night you sat with a girl who wasn’t much more than your little sister’s friend and let her pour out her heart over her dead boyfriend, or that you taught me how to live with my memories and not let them drown me.” She sighed. “So when Taggart or my grandmother would ridicule me for being your friend, I just told them to shove it, because you weren’t the man they said you were.”

“So, when I warned you about Ric,” Jason said after a moment. “You thought that you owed him the same loyalty—”

“In a way,” she agreed. “You have to understand something, Jason. Ric is…” She hesitated. “He’s charming in a way that doesn’t feel slick, which makes it hard not to believe him. And I was…I was vulnerable.” She looked at him. “I wanted to matter to someone, and it seemed like I mattered to him.”

Jason put the book aside, and sat up. “And you didn’t think you mattered to me anymore,” he said quietly.

“No,” she confirmed, never looking away from him. “And after I knew the terrible things he had done, I pulled away from him. Then I found out I was pregnant.” She closed her eyes, remembering the brief life that had been snuffed out. “I was waitress who lived in a crappy studio that didn’t even have its own bathroom, and I was so alone, you know. I thought I only had one choice, but Carly talked me out of it, so when Ric came around, promising that he was done with his hatred for Sonny, promising me that our child was important to him, that we could have a family…” A tear slid down her cheek. “I wanted it so much. I didn’t want to be alone.”

“I get all of that, I really do, Elizabeth.” Jason leaned forward. “But you knew the second time you married him what he was capable of, what he did to Carly—” He closed his eyes and shook his head. “Christ, what he did to you—”

“I know, but…” She struggled to sit up, and he leaned over to help put her feet on the ground. “Jason, I found myself in exactly the same position I had been before. I was pregnant again, this time by a man whose life was spinning out of control, and I was so…” her voice broke. “I was so alone, and Ric…he was always there. He kept…telling me how much he loved me, and that he wanted to get help, he wanted to be a better person. After everything I’d been through with Lucky…and…” Her voice faltered, “you…I just didn’t want to be alone.” She twisted the hem of her shirt in her fingers. “I can’t…I can’t explain it better than that, because most of the time, I don’t understand.”

“Elizabeth…” She glanced up, and instead of the disappointment she had expected, Jason’s eyes were filled with sorrow and concern. “There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be alone, with wanting someone to love you. You deserve someone who loves you.” He hesitated. “For the sake of argument, let’s put the things Ric did aside…I think that he does love you, Elizabeth. I don’t want to admit it, but he didn’t care that people would think you’d come to me for help to get away from him.”

“But?” she prompted, knowing it was coming.

“But you know you can’t trust him.” He took her hands in his. “If you could, you would have told him what Zander said to you. That Zander accused you of only being with men who reminded you of me. But you didn’t tell him.”

“No,” Elizabeth exhaled. “No, I did not. Partly because I don’t trust Ric. But also, because it’s true.” She looked down at her intertwined hands. “I do love Ric, but I started seeing him, I…was with Zander because they both have…qualities that reminded me of you, so I didn’t tell Ric what Zander said because I knew he’d see that it was the truth, at least a little.”

“Elizabeth—”

“Anyway,” she cut in swiftly. “What I wanted to tell you before I got maudlin was that I decided I should file for divorce.” She gently pulled her hands away. “And I should file immediately while Ric doesn’t know where I am.”

As if understanding the moment for deeper conversation had passed, Jason leaned back and cleared his throat. “Do you want me to contact someone back home and put you in touch with them? Carly interviewed a lot of attorneys before settling on Diane.”

Before she could answer, her belly tightened, and she gasped.  The little twinges she’d been having off and on for a few hours…

“Jason…I think I’m in labor.”

6
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Jason’s Penthouse

When the door behind him opened, Jason set the photo down on his desk and slid it under a stack of papers. He turned to see Sonny standing behind, his face lined with exhaustion. “Uh…hey.” They were rarely in the same room these days, not since Sonny had learned Jason had helped Carly arrange for AJ to have visits with Michael.

But the anger that had haunted Sonny for so long seemed absent. “Hey,” he responded, and Jason could tell he felt awkward. “Uh…” Sonny coughed. “I just had lunch with Morgan and Michael.”

“Oh.” Jason leaned back against the desk and crossed his arms. “Okay.” He paused. “How’d it go?”

“Good, good.” Sonny looked around the room, probably noting that it had returned to the bare necessities—without any of the flourishes Courtney had added. When she’d left him, she’d taken most of the furniture, since—as she pointed out—she’d picked it out, she liked it and his stuff was in still in storage. “Michael seemed like he had fun…in New Orleans.”

“I think he did,” Jason said carefully.

“And he, uh, said he’s going back in August, for two weeks this time. And maybe for a few days in July.” Sonny walked slowly across the room, to stand by the mantel with photos of the boys. He picked up one of Michael at about the age he’d been when Sonny had adopted him. “He told me that even though he was talking to AJ, that I was his father, too, and he loved me.”

Jason remained silent. Didn’t know what to say. Sonny seemed to be taking this well, but was it just the calm before the storm?

“I remember that I didn’t really care one way or another about AJ Quartermaine until Carly came into my life.” Sonny turned back to look at him. “And he became an obstacle to the family I wanted. I figured he was a drunk, like my stepfather, like Mike, and he didn’t deserve Michael in his life. Carly didn’t want him there, so I…” He waved his hand, as if dismissing the whole notion of AJ. “I made it happen, and then AJ…” His face twisted. “He did what he did to my sister.”

“I know what he did to Courtney,” Jason murmured. “And I don’t forget it. But it was the reason he gave her a divorce without arguments, that he left town immediately afterward, and got himself sober. He looked good, Sonny. I never would have—”

“No, I know.” Sonny blinked and looked at the ceiling. “I talked to Carly after the custody hearing, I apologized for taking it to this point, and now I want to apologize to you. For making Michael, the little boy you entrusted me with, for making his life miserable. I love him, I do, but I think I recognize now…” He planted his hands at his waist and looked down, exhaling. “I recognize now that adopting a child is a gift, one you have to treasure and not take for granted. I did that. I assumed I owned him, because Carly gave him to me. I never dreamed she would turn to AJ to save her son from the grief we were causing him.” He looked up at Jason. “She’s a better mother than I ever gave her credit for.”

“So,” Sonny continued when Jason remained quiet. “Michael told me you’d taken him to the hospital down there.”

Jason blinked. He’d told Michael that he might want to keep it to himself, that only AJ knew about Elizabeth because he’d wanted someone down there to know she was on her own if she had had medical problems or needed help after the baby…but Michael would never think Sonny should be included in that prohibition. “Oh?”

“I knew you’d helped her leave Ric.” Sonny paused. “And I knew she was pregnant. I guess I just didn’t know you’d taken her to New Orleans.”

“I, uh…” Jason cleared his throat. “I didn’t want to take her somewhere where she’d be completely alone, and I needed to talk to AJ about Michael. It just…it just worked out that AJ’s steady enough…” He stopped. “Elizabeth had her son. I was visiting her, and she was at the hospital, and it just seemed…” He shifted, uncomfortably. “You know, her room was kind of bare, and the other women in the wing had visitors and flowers, I just thought she might feel…better. So I asked AJ and Michael to come see her.”

“That’s good.” Sonny nodded and rubbed his jaw. “So, the baby…he’s all right?”

“Yeah.” Jason found himself smiling at the memory, of being in the delivery room so she wouldn’t be alone, of being there when Elizabeth saw her son for the first time. “She named Cameron, for Zander’s father who died in the fire. Cameron Hardy Webber.”

“Webber.” Sonny furrowed his brow. “What about…” he waved his hand again, as he always did when referring to people he rather didn’t walk the Earth.

“I contacted Diane Miller when I got back,” Jason responded. “She’s filing for divorce and is taking the steps to make sure Ric is out of her life and Cameron’s.”

“Good,” Sonny repeated. “I never understood why she married him again, but you know…” he shrugged. “She was pregnant and scared, maybe.” He cleared his throat. “That the picture you were looking at when I came in?”

“Uh…yeah.” Jason slid the photo out, and after a moment, held it out to his friend. “Just something AJ took. Of Elizabeth and Cameron.”

Sonny studied it and smiled. “She looks happy. Tired, you know, because having a kid ain’t easy, but she looks happier than I ever saw her around here.” He handed it back to Jason. “I know you don’t like Sam—”

“I don’t know her particularly well,” Jason said. “But if she makes you happy Sonny, that’s good. You…” He paused. “You look better than you have in months.”

“Yeah…well…” Sonny smiled a little more broadly, his dimples winking. “Eventually, when everyone is shouting the same thing at you, you begin to think they have a point.” He started for the door, and then turned back. “Ah, the guy I have at the PCPD, you know he gives me an updated list of what cases are getting their focus. I know you’ve been using him the last few months.”

“And?” Jason tensed.

“And,” Sonny said slowly, “He said you hadn’t checked in since you got home last week, so I’m letting you know that Zander Smith’s case has been permanently shelved. No suspects, no evidence…” He shrugged. “Nowhere to go.”

“Sonny…”

“Come over for dinner tonight,” Sonny said. “Get to know Sam.”

7
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life

Sunday, June 20, 2004

Garden District: Chestnut Street House

When Jason entered the house, he heard Elizabeth’s laughter coming from the back room. He set his duffel bag down and walked down the hallway to Elizabeth’s sitting room. She had only used a few pieces of furniture in the room, arranging it near the large back windows, and today she was sitting cross legged in the empty space behind the sofa. Her son was lying on his back on a soft blue blanket, his legs kicking and arms waving in the air.

Elizabeth glanced up and a warm smile spread across her features. “Jason! I wasn’t expecting you.” She remained seated, so he joined her on the floor, across the blanket. “Everything okay back home?”

“They’re good.” Cameron twisted at the new voice, but when he couldn’t roll over, his face scrunched up in frustration and he let loose a wail. Jason grinned, remembering Michael at this age. “I was heading down to Puerto Rico to check on a few things. Nothing urgent, so I wanted stop in here first.”

Elizabeth rolled her eyes, but the sparkle stayed in her eyes. “Only you would consider New Orleans on your way from New York to Puerto Rico.” He watched as Cameron wrapped his small fist around Elizabeth’s index finger.

“He’s grown just since I saw him,” Jason murmured. “I can’t believe it’s only been what…two weeks?”

“I know.” When Cameron’s fussiness continued, she cradled him into her arms and started to stand. Jason quickly got his feet, and placed his hands under her elbow to steady her. “I feel like he does something new every day, though I’m sure half the time I’m making it up.” She looked down at Cameron’s face. “Today, I’m pretty sure it was the first time he tried to look at someone, so that’s what I’m putting in his journal.”

She moved towards Cameron’s bassinet, which he noticed had taken the place of one the arm chairs. “Did you…” She paused as she set the baby down, and arranged a stuffed rabbit with him. “Did you talk to your lawyer?”

“Yeah…” Jason exhaled slowly. “Diane sent me with some paperwork for you to sign. She wanted to send it to you herself, but I wasn’t sure if you were ready for anyone to know where you are yet.”

“Well…” Elizabeth was quiet for a moment, watching Cam drift into a light doze. “You told me they’ve shelved Zander’s case, so it’s not like I can’t return.”

“No, but you can stay here as along as—”

“Jason.” Elizabeth smiled at him, put a hand on his arm. “I accepted your help because I had very few options and I was at a dead-end in my life. I was pregnant and I was depressed, and staying in Port Charles under those circumstances was…” She shook her head. “But that’s not my life anymore. I have to decide if I want to go home and what I’ll do when I get there.”

She slid her hand from his arm and sat on the sofa. After a moment, he joined her. He didn’t know what to say to her because there wasn’t any advice he could really offer. She was right. This place couldn’t be anything but temporary, but only she could decide what she was ready for. “Okay.”

“I don’t know yet what I want,” Elizabeth admitted. “Which is kind of aggravating since I just…” She rolled her shoulders. “I just want to be doing something productive with my life so I can provide for my son.” She glanced back at the bassinet and he was struck by the changes in her face since he’d showed up on her doorstep in Port Charles. The dark smudges under her eyes had faded, the fatigue he saw now seemed less heavy and probably more related to being a new mother, and most of all…the sadness in her eyes, in her posture…it had bled away, replaced by her smiles and her laughter.

That’s what he’d wanted to do all those weeks ago. Help Elizabeth find herself again.

“But I’ll have to learn patience.” She turned back and looked at him, her smile almost permanent. “So, Michael’s back from AJ’s. How is Carly handling all of this?” She hesitated. “How’s Sonny?” Elizabeth hesitated. “Unless you don’t want to—”

“They’re resigned to it,” Jason said, cutting her off. “Michael liked it here, and though neither of them wants to admit it, they know Michael likes AJ. If Michael had been younger when this all happened, I don’t think Carly would have agreed to let AJ in his life.” He shrugged. “But Michael’s thirteen. So there’s only so much control they have. He could just get on his bike and head to the Quartermaines.” He grimaced at that, and Elizabeth laughed.

“Well, it’s natural he wants to know them,” Elizabeth said. “He’s known forever that AJ was his biological father, and he lived there for a while.” When he just winced, she put her hand back on his arm. “Jason, I know your relationship with them isn’t good, and don’t get me wrong, Edward, at the very least, has his moments. But they love Emily. And she loves them. Which means they can’t be that terrible.”

“Yeah…” Jason rubbed the back of his neck. “Monica came by. She thanked me for helping AJ get involved with Michael again. I didn’t know what to say to her. I didn’t do for AJ—”

“No, but she knows what it means for you to put in a good word for your…” Elizabeth wrinkled nose. “For AJ. It gives her the pretense of peace in her family. I look at Cameron, and I think…if I ever have more children, I would want them to be close. Not like me, Sarah and Steven. They send cards, and sometimes we call, but even with email we rarely stay in touch. I can’t imagine what it’s like to know your children are so far apart.”

“Yeah…” Jason exhaled. “Yeah, I get that. And Monica has been better. I’ve always gotten along with her, Emily and Grandmother more than the rest. But Edward…” He closed his eyes and shook his head.

“He loves his family,” Elizabeth said, simply, “and he shows it by trying to control them. Because if you can control people, then you can keep them from being unhappy, from making mistakes that will end up hurting them.” She hesitated. “Still, I’m glad he’s not my grandfather.” He looked at her, annoyed because of course, Edward was technically his grandfather. Elizabeth pressed her hand to her mouth, trying to hold back her giggles, but finally they escaped and he was so relieved to see her happy for such a long period of time, that he didn’t care she was laughing at him.

8
When the stars have all gone out
You’ll still be burning so bright

Monday, July 12, 2004

Jason’s Penthouse

When Jason opened the door and found Ric Lansing on the other side, he knew this day that had started out okay was going to be a bad one. He’d stayed in New Orleans two days with Elizabeth and Cam, and then gone on to Puerto Rico to check on a few things. Once he’d returned, Carly was having second thoughts about AJ, not because Michael wasn’t okay with it, but because it was Carly and she always had second thoughts about everything. She was also reeling from the news that Sonny’s new girlfriend, Sam McCall, was pregnant and Sonny had been hiding it for months to spare everyone from Carly’s wrath.

And of course no one was. Carly might have told the world she was giving up on Sonny Corinthos, and Jason mostly believed it, but it was one thing for her to give up and quite another to watch Sonny move on before the ink on the divorce papers was dry. When she’d talked about revisiting custody of Morgan because she didn’t want her son around that slut, Jason had told her that he wouldn’t support her and that if he dragged the kid into court again, he would testify on behalf of Sonny.

He’d thought that was going to be majority of his drama for the week and he was just looking forward to accompanying Michael on his next visit to New Orleans to see Elizabeth again.

Ric held up a sheaf of papers. “I should have known you’d use this opportunity.”

Jason stepped back so the irate man could walk into his penthouse and reminded himself that killing him where he stood was not an option. “I guess you got the papers.”

“You’re damn right.” Ric slapped them on the desk. “I asked for your help so I could keep Elizabeth out of jail, so that she could get some peace away from this town, but instead, you’ve talked her into filing for divorce, and stripping me of any parental rights to my son—”

“Elizabeth’s son,” Jason corrected. “I didn’t—” And he cut himself off. He didn’t really give a damn if Ric thought he had sabotaged their relationship. He knew he hadn’t, and that was only because he’d wanted it to be Elizabeth’s decision. “I don’t know what you’re doing here. You should contact Elizabeth’s lawyer.”

“This is bullshit, Morgan.” Ric stepped towards him. “Your wife left you, and you think you can have my family? Elizabeth loves me, I know she does—”

“You’re going to want to leave,” Jason cut in. “And contact a lawyer, I’m sure.”

“You smug son of a bitch. I can’t even contact Elizabeth.” Ric’s face changed and he looked down at the pile of papers. “Diane Miller petitioned for a restraining order, and the judge granted a temporary one.” He dragged his fingers through his dark hair and Jason might have felt some sympathy for him had he been anyone else. He believed Ric loved Elizabeth, but it was a toxic kind of love, the kind that Luis Alcazar had had for Brenda, dependent on control. “I asked you for help—”

“And I gave it. But I wasn’t doing you any favors, and you knew it.” Jason folded his arms across his chest. “If she hadn’t wanted to go, I would have found another way to keep her safe. Ric, I don’t know what you think I can do for you. Even if I did have the kind of influence with Elizabeth you seem to think, there’s no way I would use it on your behalf.” He picked up the divorce papers and slapped them against Ric’s chest. “So when I say you should leave, that’s what I mean. If you ever loved her, maybe you’d give her what she wants.”

Ric gripped her divorce papers and stared down at them. He swallowed hard. “I wanted her to be safe, and maybe I knew it would never work. Not after…” He paused. “But I wanted to try anyway.” He looked up then, the lost expression vanished from his face. “But she never loved me the way I loved her. She’ll never love anyone the way she loves you.”

9
Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Garden District: Chestnut Street House

Elizabeth glanced up from her sketchbook and smiled, watching Cameron pass out to the sound of Jason reading out loud from one his travel books. This time, it was Austria and listening to the description of the landscapes and towns had spurred Elizabeth into making some quick scribbles of one of the castles.

It was the third time Jason had visited since Cameron was born, and Elizabeth liked that she and Jason were friends again, that they had somehow achieved the easiness of those first few months they’d been friends all those years ago when he’d just listen to her ramble, or she’d sit in silence in the studio, painting while he read or napped while recovering from his gunshot.

And if sometimes, when she was by herself in her room at night, she occasionally dreamt that this was the life she could have had with him if they’d both tried a little harder, well…there was no harm in that.

“Do you want me to put him in the bassinet?” she said softly. Jason glanced down, cradling Cameron in one arm, his book in the other, and smiled.

“No, I got him.” Carefully, Jason set the book aside and stood, barely jostling the infant. Elizabeth was horribly jealous—her legs weren’t long enough to get that kind of traction when she stood. Cameron was always disturbed when she moved him.

“You make that look so easy,” Elizabeth said without thinking, but Jason’s face didn’t tighten as it once had at being reminded at all his experience with children.

“He’s a peaceful baby,” Jason responded, returning to his seat.

“Hmm…” Elizabeth set her sketchbook aside. “I want to talk to you about coming back to Port Charles.”

Jason hesitated. “You don’t want to wait until your divorce is final?” He shifted on the couch, turning to face her.

“No, your lawyer suggested I get a restraining order while we were negotiating. I filed a copy with the New Orleans police in case he found out where I was.” Elizabeth bit her lip. “I felt guilty about it, because I don’t…I don’t really believe he’d hurt me, and I don’t intend to renew it or make it permanent. I was just afraid…” She sighed and looked out into the gardens, the dying sunlight shimmering through the sheer curtains. “I was afraid I might change my mind because it was easier than being alone.” She looked back at him. “I want the divorce, Jason. Don’t misunderstand me, but all the decisions that are in front of me…I thought I might…fall back. I have a nasty habit of preferring comfort over change.”

“I think you’re stronger than you think, but I’m not gonna lie, Elizabeth, I feel better knowing he can’t come around you without being arrested.”

Elizabeth smiled, because even though she knew she’d pulled herself out of the dark place on her own, she knew his faith in her had been the first step in rebuilding that strength he seemed to think she’d never lost. “Diane said he was pretty annoyed, but well…I figured it was his turn.” She pursed her lips. “So, I want to come back but I just…don’t know what I’m going to do there.” She looked over the back of the sofa at the bassinet. “I waitressed before I got married, and I guess I could go back to that, but all I would be able to afford would be a room above Kelly’s, which isn’t something I could honestly do with Cam…”

“I could…” Jason stopped, but she knew what he might have said, and they both knew she wouldn’t accept charity. “I mean,” he continued, as if trying to find another way to phrase the offer. “I could help you find something temporary. To pay the bills until you make a more permanent decision.”

“Sneaky,” Elizabeth teased. She dragged a hand through her messy hair, and sighed. “And tempting. Because at least I’d be working rather than living off you down here.” She raised an eyebrow. “Or are you gonna tell me Ric’s been giving you money to support me?”

Jason scowled. “He offered but I told him I didn’t need his money. Besides, you were supposed to have been leaving him. How would that have looked? Elizabeth, money doesn’t matter to me. I’ve got it and it just…” He shrugged one shoulder. “It sits in the bank and does nothing. I wanted to help you.”

“I know, and I needed to get my head on straight, so I agreed.” She chewed her lip. “I need to get back to my life. I need to get back to work and not get spoiled by sitting at home, being with Cameron all the time. So…” She squared her shoulders. “It’s not just about me anymore. So, here I am, actually asking you for help without needing my arm twisted.”

“That looked painful,” Jason after a moment, and he grinned when she scowled at him. “I can set you up with something at the warehouse. The coffee side of things…” He grimaced now, and she knew he hated it when he talked about this stuff with her. “It gets ignored sometimes. We’re usually too busy with other things, but it might interesting if we were as successful as we said we were.”

“And how do you expect an ex-waitress with an art degree to help with that?” Elizabeth asked skeptically. “I’m not a charity case—”

“No, no.” Jason held up a hand before she could continue. “We’re always losing contracts and missing meetings with actual suppliers and vendors. Sonny’s been talking about it since the divorce was final, and with Sam being pregnant and Morgan getting older, he wants to leave them something that’s…” He hesitated. “Something where the money is separate.”

“Okay,” Elizabeth said slowly. “So…?”

“So,” Jason continued, “we’ve talked about hiring an office manager to keep track of meetings and keep Sonny in line. Remind him about meetings. Or nag me if came down to it.” He tilted his nod. “You’re good at nagging me, and I think you’d warm up to harassing Sonny.”

“Oh, that’s just not…” She tossed a small throw pillow at him. “I never nag,” she said, but the smile was spreading across her face. “You’re still holding a grudge after five years because I made you eat some soup.”

“Three times a day for three weeks,” Jason retorted with a grin. “I still can’t look at cream of broccoli soup and not think about it.”

“You got better.” Elizabeth crossed her arms and offered a mocking glare. “If I take this job, you’re getting soup every day for lunch.”

“You should take it if only to spare us having to do interviews,” Jason said, and she could tell he was only partly joking. “So, really you’d be helping me.”

“Sure.” But Elizabeth knew he had her. It seemed like an actual position she couldn’t screw up too much, and it would give her room to breathe until she figured out what she really wanted to do. She reached across her sofa and took his hand in hers. “If Sonny’s okay with it, I’ll do it. And thank you.” Her throat felt tight. “Having you in my life again has made everything else about this year easier.” Her cheeks flushed slightly, but she didn’t look away. “Your friendship means so much to me.”

“I’m glad…” Jason paused, his finger tracing a pattern over the back of her hand. “I’m glad that we got back to this place.” After a moment, the corner of his lip curved up. “So, where you going to live?”

10
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

Sunday, August 1, 2004

Harborview Towers: Elizabeth’s Apartment

Elizabeth slid the last stack of Cameron’s onesies into the top drawer of the dresser that had been in the apartment she was renting for a few months. She knew Jason hadn’t furnished her place—he knew her better than to do that without asking, but she wasn’t so positive about Emily and Nikolas—Emily had looked at her rather brightly and ignored her questions.

It chafed that she was going to be starting a job tomorrow that had been given to her because she was friends with the owner or that she was renting an apartment using the advance for a salary that she might not deserve, but when she glanced over her shoulder and saw Cameron sleeping peacefully in the crib his godmother had probably arranged for him, Elizabeth couldn’t find it in her heart to argue.

There was nothing wrong with accepting help, particularly if it was as temporary as she was determined it would be. She would do the best job she could at managing Sonny and Jason’s coffee contracts, and she would save every extra cent so she could find a place that wasn’t being rented to her at bottom-market prices. But Jason had been right as always—she needed space to breathe and a way to develop a new routine for this new path in life.

She finished unpacking Cameron’s miniscule wardrobe, took the second baby monitor and headed into the living room to make tea. It had been three days since she’d left the house in New Orleans and she missed the gardens, the peace and the distance, but that had not been reality and she never going to let herself sink into a fantasy life again. Not after her marriage to Ric.

There was a light knock on her door and Elizabeth set her tea on the coffee table before going to answer it. She smiled immediately. “Hey, I didn’t think you’d be by tonight.”

“Hey.” Jason stepped in, looking around quickly. “I know it’s late, but I didn’t get the chance to stop in before now.”

“Well, come in.” She stepped back and closed the door after him. “I think your sister decided that when I asked her and Nikolas to get my things from Ric’s house that I meant she should stop at Wyndham’s and furnish the place as well.”

“It wouldn’t surprise me,” Jason nodded. “Is the apartment all right?”

“It’s great.” Elizabeth didn’t know what to do with her hands. It had seemed so easy in New Orleans. They’d sit on the sofa, and he’d read while she sketched or took care of Cameron. And now that they were in the real world again, she wasn’t sure if they could get that back.

She squared her shoulders. She was not going to think that way. “Do you want some coffee?” Which she’d stocked up on since she hoped maybe he would still come by when he wasn’t hiding her from the authorities.

“No, I’m okay.” Jason hesitated, and she wondered if he was as nervous as she was. So she cleared her throat.

“So what did you do today?” she asked, heading for the sofa and picking up her tea. As she had hoped, he lowered himself next to her.

“Listened to Carly complain about Sam.” Jason grimaced. “It annoys her that he moved on so effortlessly, or so she thinks.”

“Hm…” Elizabeth sipped the chamomile. “I met Sam briefly yesterday. Sonny came by with a lasagna and brought her.” She paused. “Do you like her?”

“I don’t know her,” Jason replied. “Sonny’s kept her mostly to himself, because of Carly.” He leaned back on the sofa. “But she seems to make Sonny happy. He’s calmer, less agitated all the time.”

“He looked good when he was here,” Elizabeth remarked. She wrinkled her nose. “And he thanked me for taking this job you made up.”

Jason chuckled, and the familiar but long absent sound caused her smile to broaden. “I didn’t make it up,” he assured her. “It’s just a brand-new position.”

“Ha, well if you think I was annoying that December when I refused to let you lift weights or eat pastrami on rye, you’re in for a surprise.” Elizabeth arched an eyebrow. “I have learned so much about nagging since then.”

“I’ll bet.” Jason paused. “Have you…heard from Ric since you’ve been home?”

“No.” Elizabeth set her cup on the table and tucked her legs underneath her. “I decided to stay low-profile. Right now, he’s not contesting the divorce and he didn’t contest the restraining order.” She eyed him. “And the guy at the desk downstairs assured me that Ric Lansing isn’t allowed past the front door, unless accompanied by Mac or a court order, so I shouldn’t worry about it.”

“Well, the court order thing is standard,” Jason admitted. “No one is allowed past the front desk to these upper floors that Sonny and I own unless they’re cleared, and cops are case-by-case basis.” He shrugged. “So I just wanted to make sure they understood that it included your apartment as well.”

“Hmm.” Elizabeth tilted her head. “Well, thank you. But I guess I’ll have to face him soon enough.” She grimaced. “I’m tired of talking about Ric and my life. I feel like all I’ve done for months is put myself back together…” She wiggled her shoulders. “How’s Carly dealing with AJ?”

“Surprisingly…well.” Jason propped his elbow on the back of the couch, resting his hand against his forehead as he faced her. “She told me that Michael had a great time last month when he went for a weekend, and AJ came up last week to see Lila, so Michael had dinner with the family.”

Elizabeth’s eyes widened. “What, are you serious? Carly let him eat dinner with Edward?” She laughed. “I feel like I’m in twilight zone.”

“I know. It’s…” Jason paused, as if trying to find the right word. “I don’t even know. He’s going down to New Orleans next week for two more weeks, and Carly and AJ are talking on the phone, because he’s thinking of shifting back to Port Charles, at least part time now that he can be closer to Michael.”

“Are you worried about him being back here?” Elizabeth asked. “That he won’t be able to stop drinking?”

Jason was silent for a long moment, as if considering his response. “Yes,” he finally admitted. “But maybe that’s why he’s coming back. It’s one thing to separate yourself from the reasons you keep falling over the edge and do all right, but maybe AJ wants to prove he really has changed.”

“I hope for Michael’s sake…and yours,” Elizabeth said, “that it’s true. But if it’s not, I’m sure you’ll be there for Michael.” She smiled. “Just like you always are.”

11
If it takes my whole life
I won’t break, I won’t bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Jason’s Penthouse

Carly pushed open the penthouse door and sighed in relief. “Finally! I was beginning to think I would never catch you at home.” She raised an eyebrow. “Where have you been spending the evenings? Not here. Not all week.”

Jason closed the warehouse ledger and pushed the chair out from the desk so he could stand and look at his friend. “You could have called.”

“I notice you’ve avoided the question.” Carly planted her hands on her hips. “Listen. I need you to talk me down.”

“Again?” Jason pulled the ledger and a few other files from the desk top and secured them in a drawer. “If this is about AJ and Michael—”

“It is.” Carly hesitated. “But not the way you think.” She tapped her toe. “I think I’ve gone insane. I just hung up from an almost pleasant phone call with AJ Quartermaine in which we calmly discussed our son, AJ’s plans to come up for Thanksgiving and stick around for a few months, and he asked me very nicely how I was and how Morgan was.”

Jason paused by his bookshelf, a travel book in his hand. He frowned. “And…I need to talk you down from this?”

“Did you not hear me?” Carly demanded. “I just had a perfectly normal and pleasant conversation with my ex-husband regarding a son of whom we share custody. This is a sign, Jase, that something has gone terribly wrong in my life.” She pointed towards the door. “And I saw Sam getting on the elevator as I got out, and damn it, Jason, I said hello to her.”

“You’re right. Something has gone terribly wrong.” Jason raised his eyebrows. “Could it be…maturity? Realizing that not fighting with AJ isn’t good for Michael, and that Sam’s daughter is going to be Morgan and Michael’s sister. That trying to make Sonny’s life miserable affects Morgan.” A warm feeling spread in his chest because he could sense that finally…after all these years…

Carly was going to be okay on her own. He didn’t have to worry about her anymore, run after her cleaning up her plans and schemes.

“Carly, you’re a good mother.”

“You say that like it was ever in doubt,” Carly grumbled. She folded her arms across her chest. “But yeah…I guess maybe I am. I think…” She pursed her lips. “AJ told me that one of the reasons it was difficult for him to stay away from alcohol is because he always felt like I was there, representing all his mistakes. Every time he looked at me, he thought of Michael and the mistakes he’d made to lose custody. He wanted to find a way to make peace, because he wasn’t sure he could stay sober if we were always going to be at each other’s throats.”

“Sounds like AJ grew up, too. Wonders never cease,” Jason muttered. He put one book back and picked out another. Not Switzerland. Too cold. Michael had always liked the one about Africa. Maybe…

“And I realized that I was exhausted with fighting. I’ve been fighting for years, Jason. I fought my mother, even though she didn’t know it, I fought you, I fought Tony, and AJ, and Sonny, and Alexis…” She shook her head. “But I don’t have to live that way anymore. I have The Cellar and Jax is letting me buy back into Club 101, and I thought I could talk him into a partial ownership of the Port Charles Hotel he’s rebuilding.” She grinned. “Look at me, Jase. A whole new woman. Are you shocked?”

“No.” Jason put back the book on Africa and selected one for Australia. He’d never been there before. “Carly, why do you think we’re friends despite everything?”

“Um…I guess I always assumed you were one of the people who figured if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.” She shrugged, as if it were a joke, but he could see there was something to her statement. That she really believed Jason considered her a friend because it was easier than kicking her out of his life.

“You drive me insane,” Jason replied, gripping the new book and coming back to the desk. He tossed it on the desk and took her hands in his. “You always had some way to fix my life, your life, everyone’s life, but you never stopped to see the flaws or consider what to do when it backfired, because it always did. And I helped clean them up, because I always knew…your heart was in the right place. You’re just…not good at helping.”

Carly scowled. “Sometimes my plans worked. I seduced the shit out of my stepfather.” As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she closed her mouth. “You may have a point, Jase.”

“So, we’re still friends because I always knew you meant well, even if you didn’t.” He released her hands. “I know it’s weird to be on good terms with AJ, but Michael is happier. And Sonny is relieved you’re not trying to figure out how to get rid of Sam anymore, which makes the boys happy because they want a new sister and they like their father being happy with Sam. So, you’re just going to have to suck it up and…” He hesitated. “Get comfortable with the fact that you don’t have to fight any more to be happy, and learn how to actually enjoy happiness.”

“I never could have gotten to this place without you.” She wrapped him in a tight hug. “So I want you to be happy as well.” Carly drew back and noticed the travel book. “You used to read these to Michael.”

So Jason waited, because his best friend was not nearly as scatterbrained as people thought. She narrowed her eyes. “You’ve been with Elizabeth Webber and her son all these nights. Since she got home and divorced Ric.”

“Yes.” Jason picked up the book. “And I’m going down for dinner tonight.” He stared at her, hoping that the Carly who could now converse with AJ Quartermaine without plotting some way to screw him over could learn to accept Elizabeth in his life.

“My first instinct is to criticize,” Carly said finally. “Which is how I know it’s wrong. So let’s try something new. This is your life, Jason. You always let me make my own decisions—for better or worse—so if she…” Her face twisted into a slight grimace. “If she makes you happy, then…all right. Clearly, I am destined to put up with her since every time I turn around, she pops back into your life.” She shrugged. “Who am I to argue with fate?”

12
‘Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You’ll still be burning so bright

Wednesday, November 5, 2004

Elizabeth’s Apartment

Jason nodded to Cody, Elizabeth’s evening guard, and lightly pushed open the door, his face unconsciously spreading into a smile when he saw Elizabeth on the sofa, with Cameron and a bottle ready. “Hey.”

“Hey.” She waited for him to sit down before assuming their usual position for Cameron’s final bottle of the day. She leaned into his side, and he wrapped an arm around her shoulders, watching as she began to feed her son. “How are Sam and Sonny?”

“Ecstatic,” Jason remarked. “They named her Adela Lily, because Sam wanted to honor the women in Sonny’s life who left him too early.”

“I’m so happy everything turned out so well,” Elizabeth replied. “He was so scared when he hurried out of the office today. I don’t know a lot about medicine, but placenta previa was one of the more terrifying complications I read about when I was preparing for Cam. If they don’t catch it early…” She shook her head. “But it’s all okay now, and they have their little girl.” She tiled her head up to look at him. “So, we finished Australia last night. Where are we going tonight? India? Denmark?”

“I thought…” Jason held up an old dog-eared book he’d owned for years. “I thought we might read about Italy.”

She’d already been content when he came in for the night, but the mention of Italy lit her up in a way he only saw when she was looking at Cameron, and lately…at him. “Really?” she asked, pulling her lower lip between her teeth.

Because he wanted and also simply because he could, Jason leaned down to capture her lips with his, soothing the tiny nicks in her lip from her teeth. Drawing back, he tightened his hold on her. “Well, if we want Cam to see it in the spring, we should start preparing now.”

“Well, that’s just logical then.” Elizabeth closed her eyes, and one tear slowly slid down her face. “When I think of how this year…how this year started, and now how this year is going to end, I am just…I am so happy. I have everything and everyone I could possibly want in my life.” She leaned the top of her head against his jaw. “I didn’t know a person could just…overflow with bliss.”

“That makes two of us,” he replied softly. “I love you so much.”

“And I love you.” She sniffled a bit. “But you’re right. We have to be logical about this. So, let’s talk about Italy.”

“The beauty of northern Italy,” Jason began, “is its diversity. You only have to have to take a short train ride out of Turin…”

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
THE END