Inspiration

This was written after Sonny had faked his death in early September 2002. It was quickly apparent that Elizabeth didn’t know he was alive, and that Jason was unhappy to be lying to her. I heard this song by Corey Taylor and it just put me into the mind of Jason and how I thought he must be feeling. It remains one of my all-time favorite songs.

Recap

In September 2002, Sonny faked his death to throw off Luis Alcazar who had ordered Roy DiLucca to carry out the hit. He shot Sonny to death outside of St. Timothy’s (Or Queen of Angels, I can never remember which church is which), the same church where Sonny left Brenda at the altar. Jason found Brenda there and got her away. Later, we learned that Elizabeth was not brought into the plan, despite living with Jason at the penthouse and their conversation about wanting to be together.

This particular story is an episode tag — Elizabeth has just heard about Sonny’s death, opened the penthouse door, and found Courtney hugging Jason.

Wish I was too dead to cry
My self-affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which
I cater

His hand pauses at the penthouse door. Jason knows once he opens it, there’s no turning back. He walks in—Elizabeth will have heard the news of Sonny’s death. She’ll try to comfort him.

And he’ll have to lie to her.

You don’t need to bother
I don’t need to be
I’ll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on
I won’t let go ’til it bleeds

Elizabeth sits on the other side of the door. She is staring into space—a plate of brownies still in her hand. She doesn’t know why she made them—brownies would never make up for Carly’s loss. Maybe making the brownies is a way for Elizabeth to feel useful.

She tries to remain calm and rational. Courtney is—was—Sonny’s sister. She’s probably upset, Elizabeth tells herself. She ran into Jason and he was comforting her. Jason is a good person—he’d never let anyone sit and cry.

Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest

Jason’s hand falls away from the knob. He promised her once he’d be honest with her—and he doesn’t want to break that promise. But he doesn’t see how it would be possible to keep that promise to Elizabeth and remain loyal to Sonny’s wishes.

And Sonny’s wishes were clear. Only Carly. And only after the funeral. Jason doesn’t agree—he saw Carly just a few moments ago. She’s barely holding it together. Jason takes a deep breath and turns the knob.

I wish I had a reason
My flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying

He enters and frowns as he sees Elizabeth sitting on the couch, a plate of brownies in her hand. She’s not eating them—she’s staring into space. At the sound of his entry, her head snaps to him. The plate clatters to the floor as she jumps up and practically throws herself into his arms.

“I’m so glad you’re okay!” she whispers. She decides to forget what she saw in the hallway. She trusts Jason and she trusts Courtney. “I’m so sorry about Sonny.”

You don’t need to bother
I don’t need to be
I’ll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on
I won’t let go ’til it bleeds

Jason tenses at the mention of Sonny. For one brief second, he allowed himself to forget that he was keeping this from her—that he was allowing her to grieve someone she cared about—and he didn’t want her false comfort. Because he thought that might make it worse.

Elizabeth feels him tense and pulls away. Something’s not right. He’s not looking at her and his arms fall away from her. She takes a step back and studies him. She decides something is definitely off. He’s sad—but she senses it’s not for Sonny.

Wish I’d died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten
With its memories
Diaries left
With cryptic entries

“Jason—” she begins.

“I just came to let you know I was all right,” he cuts in, not wanting to hear her say she was sorry again or to ask how he was. Because he’s afraid that if she asks, he might tell her.

And that he might go against Sonny without even thinking about it is a terrifying idea that he doesn’t want to have think about it right now.

Because he realizes now that he can’t lie to her. Just as he can read her eyes, she can read his. And somehow, she’d see the truth. And she’ll try to find out.

And then Jason would really have to lie to her then.

And you don’t need to bother
I don’t need to be
I’ll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on
I won’t let go ’til it bleeds

He heads towards the steps, head down. He’s hurting her and he knows it. He’s already broke the promise that seemed important to Elizabeth. But he also knows lying is much worse—after Sarah and Lucky, he desperately didn’t want to be the next person who lied.

But he’s also not telling her the truth—and he knows she’ll consider that a lie. And when found out, Jason knows there’s a very good possibility she’d walk out that door and never look back.

Part of Jason realizes that would be the best thing. She’d be safe—and he’d be safe too. But a much larger and dominant part of Jason realizes that if she walked out that door, part of him would too. And somehow, he has a feeling that he might not be able to handle that.

So Jason will be selfish—he won’t tell her the truth. He’ll have faith that Elizabeth will trust him—trust that he wanted to tell her, but couldn’t. And the first chance he got, he would tell her so. That he’d hurt to her so he wouldn’t have to lie. And she might forgive that.

You don’t need to bother
I don’t need to be
I’ll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on
I’ll never live down my deceit

But Jason would never forgive himself for walking up the stairs from the woman he loved—who only wanted to comfort him and be there for him.

And somehow, the idea that someone would want to…is harder to accept that the idea that he had to lie.

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