This is going to be last time I post about my mental health before we get back to regularly scheduled (ha) updates. Or at least, the next time I post on this site, it’ll be something for you to read. Pinky swear.

This is a transcription of a Twitter thread I posted on my anxiety and why someone checking in with me through email made me go into a full-blown panic attack which is, uh, not a good thing.

I’ve always had anxiety and stress issues, but I’ve been able to channel them pretty productively when I was in college and during my first years of teaching. I used to think I thrived under deadlines. Pressure was good for me. I literally took seven classes a semester, wrote 16 papers and did two majors and three minors because I could manage it. I thought the nervous breakdowns I had once or twice a semester were normal and everyone had them.

It actually turns out that I was conditioning myself to constantly live in a state of pressure and deadlines, and that was never going to be a long-term way to live life. I think one of the worst parts of this last year is feeling overwhelmed even by the people reaching out to me because while their intentions were likely good, it put more pressure on me to be “normal” or get to over it.

My reactions were/are completely out of whack to what most people would see as normal check-ins, and that just makes me feel worse after I have the terrible reactions.

When a reader says they’re checking in on me or they loved this part, can’t for the next! — a well-adjusted person just takes that in & goes on with their day. For me, it’s a reminder I haven’t posted/written according to my deadlines or that part they want isn’t remotely ready. Then the anxiety spirals starts, and it’s frustrating because a person who doesn’t mean harm ends up causing harm.

I turned off emailed replies so the only time I go to seek out reader comments is when I’m having a good day or that I know I can handle it. I think I said that back in January, but I probably haven’t said it since. That’s why it felt intrusive to have emails sent when I’ve literally tried to protect myself from what I *know* is an over reaction.

Anyway. This is just a long way of saying that anxiety sucks because it makes you act in ways that make you feel even worse and then you’re constantly digging yourself out of hole.

I’m in therapy to manage this all better, but I don’t know how much its helping because, of course, we haven’t talked about the writing because part of me thinks she’s just gonna say — what’s wrong with you, it’s fanfiction it doesn’t matter–She’s not gonna do that, but I AM AN INSANE BALL OF STRESS so I’m constantly anticipating other people’s judgements. Also — I’m on anxiety meds that sort of calm the anxiety, but also make everything foggy, so it sucks.

I’m fine. No one should worry about me. I’m doing all the things you need to do to manage the crazy, but I think we’re all better off when we’re honest about our issues. Also, I still have the stupid ringing in my ear that makes it harder to concentrate — caused by stress.

I’ll close this out by stating the following:

I only see replies and reviews if I choose to see them. I no longer have comments emailed to me from anywhere I post. There are days when I feel great and I know I can handle it, so I come here and I catch up. I love you guys so much and it kills me that I can’t enjoy how much you guys support me without internalizing it as pressure to keep you happy. I know it’s not that, but my brain doesn’t always check with me before I go insane.

Please do not email me personally. It’s not that I don’t appreciate you, it’s not that I don’t see your intentions as good, but I am not currently in a place where I can get even pleasantries sent to me.

Just checking in briefly to make sure that the post I made on Patreon is seen by all the readers and that no one misses it. I’ll be pausing charges for August. It’s a public one.

https://www.patreon.com/posts/53921852

I understand that sometimes people don’t read my update blogs because they tend to be chatty, but please note that if I have repeatedly referred to having serious energy and creativity issues, I don’t exactly owe anyone an explanation why I don’t update Flash Fiction as scheduled. I know I usually log in to let you guys know an update won’t be coming, but I’ve also felt like that’s just annoying for all of us. A ton of you are signed up for update emails, and I hate doing posts when I have nothing to give to you.  If you have my personal email, that is not an invitation to use it to ask for updates, even if you’re checking in on me.

This site and my Twitter feed are the places where you should check in with me, or my Patreon feed if you’re a Patreon.

I hope to be back updating this week, but I’m struggling hard in real life and I’m not going to post every single time I don’t plan to update, even if I have posted a schedule.  I love this community a lot, but I think I’ve been very open about my issues with anxiety and stress so I hope you understand that even as much I want to be writing, sometimes I can’t.

I’ll see you when I see you.

Hello 🙂 Checking in again to let you know that I’ve pulled the plug on updating Flash Fiction during the week. I’ve been really struggling with my energy, and there’s a huge crash for me most afternoons which used to be my writing time. Now, I have the most energy in the morning which means I have to use that time wisely. I have things in real life that need to be done, especially in July with writing the curriculum.  I’m not always feeling very creative, so sometimes I feel like I’ve used everything up in Flash Fiction and there’s nothing left over for Mad World.

Flash Fiction will be updated on Fridays and Sundays from now on. I’ll see you guys on Friday!

Hey, just popping in to let you know that I won’t be updating today. I have blood work scheduled for 8:30, and I’m fasting so I’ll be starving when it’s over, lol, so I probably won’t be able to get to it when I come back because I have other things to get done today.

I’ll be back tomorrow for Signs of Life!

Meanwhile, I’ve been working on the Facelift, and all 2003 stories have been organized chronologically on Alternate History and their story pages have been updated. 2002/2003 stories are pretty much half of everything I’ve written. Have you read them all?

Update Link: Signs of Life – Part 11

Another long update from me.

P 1 & 2 – Checking in with me and plans to resolve fatigue
P 3 & 4 – CG Facelift.
P 5-End – Mad World update

I was telling my sister about how tired I’ve been lately and she reminded me that when the school year ended, I stopped drinking coffee in the morning because I wanted to eliminate my sugary sweet creamer from my diet. I adore coffee, but I’m very aware of just how much sugar I eat. I looked up the symptoms of caffeine withdrawal, and, uh, there’s some correlation there. I’m going to attempt to put it back into my morning routine but I’m experimenting with black coffee. I’m starting with it iced because that’s how I cut out sugar in my tea about ten years ago.

I’m going to see how that works this week, plus I’ll get blood work to check my sugars. Diabetes runs on both sides of my family, and a few years ago I was pre-diabetic. I worked hard to get my levels back to normal. With the pandemic, like everyone else, my standards for what I was eating fell apart. I tend to stress eat and candy is one of my big things.

In other news, I’ve been working on the Facelift again. If you’re following the Alternate History page, you’ll see that 2003 is finally starting to be filled out. I’m also removing the links to stories that have been moved from the Ficlet and Short Story pages. I want you to be able to find all of my stories on one page, and then if you want to sort for length, you can use the By Length page I created a few years ago.  2003 is a huge category of stories because I was writing a lot of episode tags and short stories at that point. 2004 & 2006 are close runners-up.

For each story, I’m rewriting the Timeline & Inspiration sections so it’s easier to to know exactly when a story was set. A lot of those original Timeline write ups were very vague because I hadn’t updated them since I wrote the story. For example, one of the stories simply says this: This takes place after Elizabeth walks away from Carly. Very clear, right? LOL.

I’m hard at work on Mad World. I’ve completed Chapters 76-79, but I’ve also been going through last summer’s draft and pulling out any scenes that I can use in full with light edits or chunks. This has helped to push the word count to 43k, though the completed chapter count is low. I’m also going to experiment today with just writing a few storylines. I’m going to play with the Liason storyline in Act 1, and just write those scenes, and then go back to write Sonny/Carly — which takes care of big chunks of those chapters. Then I’ll fill in the spots.

I’m trying this out for a few reasons —

• Book 4 is probably the mostly densely plotted of the four books. I have a lot of story to get to and a lot of characters rolling around.
• Going chapter by chapter often means I write a really pivotal scene for Liason, but then I don’t revisit that beat for six or seven more scenes. That’s fine when you’re reading it because it gives you a break in the tension and emotion but when writing it, I think the scenes flow better when I’m more connected to those things.
• I usually write one chapter a day, but it’s been a struggle to do that lately because I’ve been feeling so tired. When I don’t complete a full chapter, it feels like I’m behind even though I know I’m not. I’m going to concentrate on word count rather than chapter count and hope that relievers some of the anxiety.

Honestly — if that process works, I could write five chapters in maybe four days. I’ll check in on Tuesday & Wednesday to let you know how that process is going. See you on Tuesday!

Update Link: Scars – Part 6

Happy Friday! I hope everyone had a great week! I got a few things done which is always good, and this is the first week where I’ve completed every Flash Fiction on time as scheduled 🙂 I’ve also written two more chapters of Mad World for my draft. It’s been a bit of a struggle turning out the words with that story, but that’s more about me than it is the story. I’m working on shifting my writing time around to find the pocket of energy that works best. I used to write around 1, but that’s when the fatigue is really bad. I also have to factor in about 2 hours every day for my curriculum committee, so we’re adjusting. I am making progress and I’m still about where I wanted to be at this point. I’m hoping to pick up the pace next week.

See you on Sunday!

Update Link: Signs of Life – Part 10

This is going to be the week where I actually manage to update everything on time, LOL. Mad World is chugging along, but I had a major energy slump around the time I started working on it — worse than usual, so I only managed one scene yesterday. I’m feeling a bit better today, and I generally do in the morning so after flash fiction, I’m going to start writing for Mad World to get a head of it. I have a doctor’s appointment on Monday to start getting to the bottom of this fatigue problem I’m having. I can see from my sleep tracker that my sleep is restful and I’m getting between 7-8 every night. I should be feeling better.

I’m back to work part-time for a few weeks, starting tomorrow. I’m writing the new French curriculum and we have our first meeting. I’m hoping that we get to work remotely for this, but I’m not mad if we have to go in. It’ll be good to get out of the house.

Hope you’re all having a great week and I’ll see you Friday for the next part of Scars!

Update Link: Scars – Part 5

I hope everyone’s week is getting off to a great start! I’ve been working on Mad World, revising and editing scenes from the draft last summer as well as continuing with new material. I’ve completed Chapters 76-77 and I’ve also completed the soundtrack. It’s going well so far, but it’s still early.

I’ve also continued working on the Alternate History page as part of the CG Facelift. I’m moving all my AH stories onto that page so they can be browsed chronologically rather than having them on separate pages. 2003 is, by far, the longest section of that page. I’ve organized the first two entries — Tell the Truth, and then a trio of stories that reunite Jason & Elizabeth before Courtney & Ric really become spoilers for them.

The last part of the FMT Book 1 Vlog has now gone public. I still have to finish writing posts for the site & story status vlog update, but you can view my final thoughts on finishing Book 1 below:

Update Link: Signs of Life – Part 9

Happy Sunday! I hope everyone is enjoying the holiday weekend. I had a barbecue yesterday, but it rained for half of it so we were stuck inside. The last place I want to be with members of my family is inside. In other fun news, I got a new car! I’ve been working on my credit for the last year and saving up so I could lease my first brand-new car. My entire driving career, I’ve driven hand me downs and used cars. My last car was 12 years old and starting to fall apart a bit. I’m really excited to have a brand new car with some bells and whistles (this is the first car where the trunk release has ever worked, lol) plus it’s a lot safer for my commute to work.

I’ve been working on Mad World, and have finished the first chapter. I created a new tier at Patreon ($15) if you want the first draft (alpha draft) as I write them. If you just want the actual alpha draft when it’s completed, the $10 tier will work. The beta draft (with the first round of edits) will be available at the $7 tier. You can subscribe while I’m working on and delete or reduce the pledge later.

I’m starting to put together a production schedule for the next few projects. I should have that online at some point today or tomorrow. I’m thinking right now — Mad World in December, Broken Girl in February, and then Book 2 of Fool Me Twice by next June. That’s still pretty loose and gives a lot of time.

I started vlogging again by using a new set up where I basically stream (using StreamYard) directly to an unlisted video and then just make the video public later. The part that was making the vlogs annoying was editing and uploading. This cuts it out and makes it easier. I put up July’s Site & Story update last night. I’ll do a text version of that tomorrow. You can view it below. I’ll have the last part of the FMT vlog up on Tuesday I think, and Mad World on Thursday.