Death By Pastry

“She threw a pie at me.”


“I mean–she just launched it at my face.”

“Well, when you insult a girl’s cooking, she’s liable to get violent.”

“It hit me in the face.”

“Since she aimed for her face, I’d assume so.”

“But it was like…lemon meringue.”

“Too bad she wasted it, that’s my favorite.”

“I don’t think you’re taking this very seriously, Liz.”

“I don’t think it’s something that needs to be taken seriously.”

“I nearly died–why are you laughing?”

“Lucky, it was a pie.”

“I almost suffocated from the meringue part of it!”

“It was a pie.”

“I couldn’t breathe!”

“Did you get it out of your nostrils? You know, use your hands for something other than–”

“Hey, we’re in a family establishment here.”

“Yeah, Chuck E. Cheese’s. Why am I here again?'”

“Because your kid loves it. Back to my near death experience.”

“Your near death experience?”

“You’re laughing again.”

“Are you even listening to yourself?”

“Why do you insist on ridiculing me?”

“Did you see a bright light? Because I’ve heard you’re supposed to stay away from the light.”

“You think you’re funny?”

“I think I’m hysterical.”

“Have you ever thrown a pie at Jason?”

“Not for him insulting me. We tend to use food for…other purposes.”

“Oh, ew. Forget I asked.”

“Lucky, come on, you know we have sex right? I mean we have the kid. Did you think it was immaculate conception?”

“Lalalala–I’m not listening.”

“Oh, for–take your fingers out of your ears and finish telling me about your near death experience.”

“Are you going to keep teasing me?”

“Hey, come on, Lucky, this is me. Lizzie. What do you think?”

“I think we should change the subject.”

“Sure. Hey, did you know that strawberries were natural aphrodisiacs?”

“Unless you caught that while watching television or something–I don’t want to know.”

“No, seriously, it was actually really innocent. We were having strawberry shortcake and I was trying to feed it to Nicole but she just kind of knocked the plate out of my hand and it landed on my face.”

“Ha, so you know what it’s like to have a near death by pastry!”

“You’ve lost it, you know that? Anyway, Jason was helping me clean it off my face and wow, the next thing I know, he’s insisting we plant the kid in front of the boob tube and lock ourselves in the kitchen because he wants to lick it–”

“Dude, Lizzie, we are in a family establishment. You want to stop this story now or what?”

“I’m just saying that food adds an interesting spice to your sex life. Not that my sex life wasn’t good before that–”

“Lalalala, I’m not listening.”

“Because, man, Jason is all about equal pleasuring. There’s got to be law against some of the stuff he’s suggested–”

“I think I’m gonna be sick.”

“Hey, Gia and I talk about your sex life all the time but she’s kind of forbidden me from talking about mine anymore.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because, well, she’s jealous.”

“She is not. I happen to be fabulous in bed.”

“Did you really just use the word fabulous?”

“She told me that once.”

“Well, I’m just trying to say if you want to add a little spice to your bedroom, try some strawberries. Ooh, and whipped cream. But not honey. It dries too fast and it can be a bitch to get off.”

“We are not having this conversation. I don’t even know how we got on this topic.”

“Something about death by pastry.”

“Hey, she nearly killed me. I could have her prosecuted for attempted murder.”

“Yeah, Lucky?”


“She threw a pie at you, she didn’t give you cyanide or anything.”

“Wouldn’t put it past her.”

“It was a pastry. You did not almost die.”

“I couldn’t breathe.”

“You know what? I can’t believe we’re having this conversation either. I’d much rather being talking about this excellent position Jason suggested last night–”

“Lalala, I’m not listening.”


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