This entry is part 1 of 34 in the I Shall Believe

Song: I Shall Believe by Sheryl Crow

November 2003

General Hospital: Cameron Lewis’s Office

Come to me now
And lay your hands over me

“When I was in the coma,” Carly Corinthos began hesitantly, “I had these…I guess you could say that they were dreams. But they felt…they felt so real.”

She glanced over at Dr. Cameron Lewis who just nodded and indicated she should continue. “I was with another man and I lived another life,” Carly continued. “It was almost like reliving memories. I remembered his touch, his kiss, the day he proposed, when I found out I was pregnant…” her breath hitched. “The day he died.”

“And when you woke up?” Cameron pressed.

“I still remembered those memories, those feelings but…” she hesitated again and stared at her hands. “I didn’t remember feelings from this life. The memories are there. But notthe feelings behind them.” She looked at her therapist. “What do you think that means?”

Elizabeth Webber’s Studio

Even if it’s a lie
Say it will be alright

Elizabeth Lansing sank slowly onto the old couch in her drafty studio, her lips pressed firmly together. Her eyes were trained on the white stick in her hands.

A plus sign.

This was bad, this was so bad. This was very, very bad.

Haye’s Landing House

And I shall believe

There was something about this life that called to Courtney Matthews-Morgan. Something about the certainty that when she woke up in her bedroom at the rented house with the knowledge that Brian Beck would be stopping by after breakfast.

It shouldn’t be an attractive idea but was it so wrong to like the idea that a man could have a normal schedule? That his life wasn’t tied to a cell phone? That he wouldn’t run away in the middle of the night with the option of him never coming home?

General Hospital: Cameron Lewis’s Office

I’m broken in two
And I know you’re on to me

“Well, it’s never easy to say, Carly,” Cameron answered. “Sometimes our dreams are pipelines into our subconscious and sometimes they’re just dreams. Fantasies.”

Carly sighed. “But my feelings…I have a husband. Two children. And I can’t…there’s nothing there. Isn’t there something wrong with that?”

Elizabeth Webber’s Studio

That I only come home
When I’m so all alone

Elizabeth started to pace, a hand braced over her flat abdomen. Pregnancy was…it was not a good thing. Not right now. Not when her life had been so out of control she’d slept with three men.

Her eyes closed as the thought she’d been avoiding finally surfaced. Three men. Three candidates.

She sank back onto the couch, fear in her eyes.

Haye’s Landing House

But I do believe

Courtney leaned her head against the glass window that looked out over the front yard of her little safe haven. Michael and Brian were on the lawn, playing catch. Michael was laughing like he hadn’t laughed in months.

Morgan’s soft cries caught her attention and she went to check on her nephew.

If she closed her eyes for just a moment, she could almost believe this was her life.

Normal. Safe.

General Hospital: Cameron Lewis’s Office

That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be

“I don’t want to tell you there’s something wrong with you when I can’t possibly make that kind of diagnosis after one session,” Cameron told her. “But I do feel that there is something psychosomatic going on.”

“What do you mean by that?” Carly asked hesitantly.

“I know a bit about you,” Cameron replied. “I know about the high-risk pregnancy you went through, the stress you’re now dealing with after your coma and with your estranged husband imprisoned for your shooting. Your sister-in-law has taken your children to another town.”

“I should miss them,” Carly said. “I remember having the feelings of love for them both but I don’t have the actual feelings anymore. And I just can’t…Jason thinks I should call Courtney and tell her to bring them home but part of me thinks…” she paused and looked away. “Part of me thinks they’re better off where they are.”

Elizabeth Webber’s Studio

It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me

Elizabeth threw out the test and tugged on her red coat. There was no point in getting all upset about this…home pregnancies were notorious for being wrong.

She just had to go to the hospital and find out for sure.

And then she’d find out how far along she was and when she knew that…

Then she’d panic.

Haye’s Landing House

Please say honestly you won’t give up on me
And I shall believe

“Aunt Courtney!” Michael burst into the front room exuberantly. “Brian says that they get a lot of snow here and he says he can take me sledding!”

Courtney smiled and looked at the dark-haired man standing behind her nephew with a grin. “Well, when does it snow?”

“Should come any day now,” Brian remarked in that easy going tone she’d become accustomed to. His brown eyes sparkled. “I’d be more than happy to take the lady of the house sledding as well.”

“Yeah, Aunt Courtney, we could all go!” Michael said urgently. He grabbed her hand jumped up and down excitedly. “Please!”

“Well, if it means that much to you…” Courtney met Brian’s eyes and was startled to feel a slight flutter in her stomach.

That was not a good sign.

General Hospital: Cameron Lewis’s Office

And I shall believe

“Why do you say that?” Cameron asked curiously. “They’re your children. You remember loving them, you remember raising Michael at least.”

Carly sighed and crossed her legs at the ankle, trying to find a comfortable position. “But right now, there’s nothing there and Michael looks at me with all this love and the guilt…it overwhelms me because he expects–and he deserves for his mother to look at him the same way and right now I can’t. So he’s better off with someone who can.”

Elm Street Pier

Open the door
And show me your face tonight

Elizabeth hurried down the stairs and was in such a hurry to get to the other side of the docks that she almost didn’t hear Jason Morgan call out to her.

She stopped in her tracks and turned. “Hey.”

“You seem to be in a hurry,” he said quietly.

She nodded, licked her lips nervously, her eyes darting anywhere but his face. “It’s cold,” she said lamely.

Jason nodded and rubbed the back of his neck. “How are you?”

“I’m fine.” Elizabeth took a deep breath. “You?”

“Fine,” he answered. He knew she was lying and he thought she knew he was lying as well. But they’d been playing this polite game for a while and he wasn’t about to go back to where they’d once been.

It wasn’t their old friendship but it certainly wasn’t the blind hatred of the past year.

Haye’s Landing House

I know it’s true
No one heals me like you

Courtney handed Brian a steaming cup of hot chocolate. “I don’t have any coffee,” she told him.

He nodded and his eyes followed her across the room. “Did I do anything wrong?”

Frowning, she turned back to him. “Why would you ask that?”

“Because you won’t look me in the eyes.”

She flushed. “You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just…” Courtney sighed and looked at him, being careful to meet his gaze head on. “You make me feel things I shouldn’t.”

General Hospital: Cameron Lewis’s Office

And you hold the key

Cameron nodded. “That’s a very natural reaction and there’s truth to that. Your son has had a very emotional short life, the less upheaval, the better for him.” He set aside his note pad and peered at Carly closely. “Tell me about your marriage before the shooting.”

“We were separated,” Carly said flatly. “I remember that it wasn’t what I wanted but Sonny wanted his family safe.” She chucked bitterly. “I can’t tell you how often I’ve heard the phrase in the last four years.”

“And it bothers you that Sonny puts the safety above your happiness.”

“Yes,” Carly said. “You get it. Finally!” She stood and started to pace. “Maybe now that I don’t have the love for him…I can look at this situation objectively.”

“And maybe that’s why you can’t remember that love to begin with,” Cameron suggested.

Elm Street Pier

Never again
would I turn away from you

“How’s Carly?” Elizabeth inquired. She slid her hands in her pockets and kept her eyes on the wooden planks of the docks.

“She’s fine,” Jason answered.

He was fine, she was fine, Carly was fine. It made her want to scream because none of them were fine. Jason–newly married–was already separated from his wife. Carly couldn’t remember any emotions and Elizabeth was pregnant with…someone’s child.

He saw the flash of something in her eyes. “Is something wrong?”

“No,” Elizabeth said quickly. Too quickly and they both knew it. He narrowed his eyes and almost looked like he was going to press the issue. She cleared her throat nervously. “I have to go.”

Haye’s Landing House

I’m so heavy tonight
But your love is alright

The silence was almost unbearable and if there anything she hated, it was the silence. She was always talking, always trying to fill silences and it was something she knew annoyed Jason.

“Say something,” Courtney said softly. She tucked her hair behind her ears and crossed her arms, almost hugging herself.

“I’m not sure what I should say,” Brian said after a moment. “You–as you have told me so often–are a married woman and I respect the vows of marriage.”

She nodded. “Okay. Then we can just drop this subject.” She started past him but he caught her elbow.

“But you make me feel things I shouldn’t either,” he finished in a quiet voice, his stare unnerving her.

General Hospital: Cameron Lewis’s Office

And I do believe

Carly nodded. “You think this ties back into the psychosomatic thing from earlier. That I don’t want to remember how I feel about my family because it blinds me to the situation. That it makes me do things that aren’t right for me because I want to do what’s right for them.”

“It’s certainly something to be looked at,” Cameron agreed. “Tell me about yourself. Before the marriage. Before you were Sonny’s wife, who were you?”

Carly sank into her seat, her eyes sad. “I can hardly remember who I used to be.” She focused on her therapist. “That’s probably not a good thing, huh?”

General Hospital: Lynn Meadow’s Office

That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be

Elizabeth pulled her sleeve down and looked at Dr. Meadows. “When will I have the results?”

Her obstetrician sighed. “I’ll put a rush on them. If you are pregnant again, we need to monitor it carefully.”

Elizabeth’s eyes widened in fear. “You said there was no damage from before.”

“There’s not. But we’d just like to be sure.” Dr. Meadows touched her arm. “Elizabeth, from the symptoms you’ve given, the time you’ve been late and the pregnancy positive…”

“You think I’m probably pregnant,” Elizabeth finished softly. “Yeah. I figured.”

Dr. Meadows handed her a stack of pamphlets. “You might still have some of these but there’s some things in there you might want to read about pregnancy after miscarriages and whatnot.”

Elizabeth nodded. “Thanks. You have my new number?”

The doctor nodded. “We’ll call you when we have the results.”

Haye’s Landing House

It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me

Courtney pulled away from Brian slowly and tore her eyes from him. “Brian–”

“But you are a married woman and my feelings really have no importance, do they?” he said. He stepped away from her.

“Don’t say that!” Courtney cried out, surprising them both. “They do. And so do mine. I just…don’t know what to think.”

“Why don’t you stop thinking and just trust the way you feel?” Brian asked.

“I can’t,” she whispered. She stepped away from him. “You’d better go.”

General Hospital: Cameron Lewis’s Office

Please say honestly
You won’t give up on me

“Your hour’s up,” Cameron said. He stood. “I feel like we’ve gotten a real good start here, Carly. I’d like you to come back.”

Carly nodded. “I will come back. Thank you, Dr. Lewis.”

She left his office and moved towards the elevators. Her head was down, digging through her purse for her car keys and she didn’t see Elizabeth coming towards her.

And I shall believe

Elizabeth was flipping through the stack of pamphlets, intending only to weed out those she didn’t already have. It worried her that Dr. Meadows wanted to monitor this pregnancy so closely–it had never occurred to her that her miscarriage might weigh negatively.

She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t see Carly.

They slammed into each other. Carly’s keys went flying and so did the pamphlets.

I shall believe

Elizabeth watched in horror as they fell to the ground almost in slow motion.

Carly stooped down and started to gather them. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t–” She broke off and looked up at the panic-stricken brunette. “Elizabeth…you’re pregnant?”

Elizabeth nodded slowly. “Yeah,” she whispered.

Carly stood up and handed the pamphlets to her. “It seems so…I don’t know how to ask this.” She took a deep breath. “Who is the father?”

“I don’t know,” Elizabeth admitted, terrified.

And I shall believe



  • I remember this I think. Loved what I rember

    According to leasmom on March 10, 2014