Written in 61 minutes.
Saturday, October 14, 2000
Elm Street Pier
It would have been easier if Elizabeth been angrier about the fight with Lucky, or maybe he should have kept his mouth shut when she looked like she was going to put the blame entirely on her boyfriend.
But it wouldn’t have been the truth, and he wasn’t going to lie to her. Not even to save face or spare his dignity, such as it was.
What’s going on that you wanted to start a fight?
“I don’t know,” Jason said, and she made a face, looked down at her lap. “I mean that, I’m not just saying that to get out of trouble—”
“You’re not in trouble,” Elizabeth said, head head snapping up, her eyes on his with that flicker of irritation he usually saw used against someone else. “You don’t owe me anything. You said Lucky threw the first punch. Fine. I’ll let the two of you figure it out. It’s none of my business.”
She got to her feet and started towards the stairs, and he nearly let her. He knew why she was angry — he wasn’t an idiot.
“I don’t want to be here.”
She stopped at the base of the steps, one hand on the wooden railing, then slowly turned around. “You mean in Port Charles.”
Jason sighed, got to his feet, shoving his hands back into the pockets of his jacket. “Yeah. It’s not you. Or Emily. Or—” He looked out to the water, the familiar sounds of the dock. “I don’t know,” he repeated. “I don’t really have a place here.”
He heard her footsteps coming towards him, her shoes scuffling along the planks. “What does that mean? A place with who? To do what?”
“I—” He exhaled slowly, then finally looked at her. “Those are good questions.” Jason scrubbed a hand down his face. “I don’t know,” he repeated for third time.
“Okay.” She bit her lip, folded her arms. “Well, I could pretend to play dumb and act like I don’t know why you left last winter, but I know. Sonny and Carly. They slept together. And now they’re married.” Her voice shifted slightly, becoming a little strained. “It can’t be easy watching Sonny with Carly and Michael since…they were supposed to be your family.”
“That—” Jason stopped, dipped his head. Was that it? He repeated the words in his head, thought about the day before, being with Carly and Michael before Sonny had come in. “No. No, that’s not it. It’s—I don’t care about that. I don’t,” he insisted when she just arched a brow. “I gave up on that a long time ago. It wasn’t easy, and I’ll always miss being Michael’s father, but all I ever wanted was for him to be happy, and he is. I think—” He paused, considering how to articulate the thought, then shook his head, looked back toward Spoon Island.
“I had an idea in my head, I guess, it was supposed to be like that. That Michael was my son, and sometimes I could see Carly being part of that. But it was an idea, not one that I ever thought would happen. But it was all Carly thought about. All she talked about, and I liked it enough to hold on to it. I didn’t really have anything else,” he admitted to himself.
Elizabeth said nothing, and he looked back at her, weighing her reaction, wondering if she’d protest, reminding him that she’d been there last year. That he’d had her friendship. Carly would have, he thought. She’d have made sure he was keeping her in the narrative, giving her the position and weight in his life that she felt entitled to.
But Elizabeth remained quiet, just looking at him with that expression that made him feel uncomfortable inside, made something in his throat feel scratchy. “It doesn’t matter if it was real or ever going to happen. Because Sonny decided it wouldn’t happen. And he made sure it didn’t. He knew if he slept with Carly, I’d see she didn’t really love me. And I didn’t need him to show me that. I already knew it.” And he hadn’t really loved her, but he couldn’t say that then. He’d wanted that dream. He’d wanted Michael, and he’d been willing to do almost anything to make that happen.
“Last year, you told me that something had happened and that you didn’t think you’d be able to do your job anymore. This is what you mean, isn’t it? It’s not what they did. It’s why,” Elizabeth said, and Jason grimaced, hating the way it sounded now that she’d put it into the world.
“Sonny felt guilty then and now, in his eyes, it’s worse. He doesn’t think Carly really loves him, so he sees me as a threat to the family he’s decided he wants.” His fists curled a little more tightly in his pockets. “But he knows I’d never do anything to take that family. Not like he did. So instead of dealing with it, he’s going to make it my problem. So, no, I don’t really have a place here. Because it’s like I said last year, nothing’s changing if I stay. And nothing did.”
“Well, I don’t think that’s fair to say nothing changed,” Elizabeth said, and he made another face. “Because Carly’s decided she wants Sonny, too. I know that because she usually gets territorial and bitchy whenever she thinks Sonny is doing something nice for me. The only person who doesn’t seem to believe that is Sonny. I don’t think you leaving is going to fix that.” She tipped her head. “Maybe you needed a break from all of this, I wouldn’t blame you. But the only thing that’s going to fix this now is exposure. Sonny will just have to accept you forgave him for last year, that Carly’s decided his bank account is more attractive, and once he stops being an idiot, you guys will be okay.” She wrinkled her nose. “I mean, I guess. Unless you didn’t forgive him. Which then we’ve got another problem.” Elizabeth looked at him expectantly. “Did you forgive him? Or did you just stop being mad about it?”
“There’s a difference?” Jason asked skeptically.
“Well, sort of. I mean, in my head, yeah. Like, okay—” She raised her hands up, palms out. “When I forgive someone for something awful, it’s me saying you did this awful thing, I understand why you did this awful thing, and I am choosing to let go of my anger or my pain or whatever. But not being mad about it anymore is different. It’s — you did this shitty thing to me, I don’t know why you did or I don’t care why, but I’m done being mad about it. See? Different.”
“That…” Jason scratched the side of his eyebrow. “That actually makes sense.”
“See, maybe that’s why Sonny’s so weird. Because he did something that I think is pretty unforgivable. Not just sleeping with…your…” Elizabeth made a gesture with her hand. “Whatever. But he did it to make a point to you. It’d be one thing if they’d fallen in love and he couldn’t help himself—that came later, I guess. I think that’s easier to forgive. Eventually. But Sonny doesn’t think he can be forgiven, so he probably doesn’t believe you’re not mad anymore. If you’re not.”
“I’m not,” Jason assured her.
“Okay. So tell him you don’t forgive him. I bet that’ll actually cheer him up.”
Doubtful, but worth a try. “I shouldn’t have baited Lucky into punching me,” he told, eager to be done with the conversation about Sonny and Carly forever. “I’m surprised he didn’t tell you.”
“Oh, he was already mad at me, so—” Elizabeth shrugged. “You being around isn’t helping. He heard all those rumors from last year, and I told him the truth. But sometimes I think he doesn’t believe me.”
“I’m sorry,” Jason said, following her back to the bench.
“Don’t be. I made my choices, and I have zero regrets. I mean that,” she said when he’d sat down and their eyes met. “There’s nothing I’d take back about last year. Other than getting a new door with a better lock.”
“With no window,” he added, and she grinned. “Emily mentioned something about a job. That’s why Lucky’s mad?”
“Oh.” She wrinkled her nose, her lips pouting out slightly. “Do we have to talk about that?”
“No. We don’t.”
She said nothing for long enough he actually thought she might drop the subject, but then she looked at him. “What did Emily say?”
“That Chloe offered you a job, temporary. That’d you have to travel. She said it was a good opportunity for you. And worried that she’d sent you a mixed message about taking it.” Jason lifted his brows. “Are you turning it down?”
“I…don’t know. Everyone seems to have a strong opinion about it. Lucky hates the idea,” Elizabeth said. “Penny and Gram think I should. And Emily seemed to agree with Lucky, though—that’s maybe not how she feels now?” she asked looking at him.
“I don’t want to put words in her mouth, but I know she said it would be good for you. Would it?”
“Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t want to be a waitress my whole life, and sometimes I’m scared I’ll wake up ten years from now and I’ll be running the place. I don’t think I’m talented enough to make art my career. Or that I have the confidence to do that. But this…” Elizabeth looked down at her hands. “I used to like fashion, did you know that?”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Most people don’t know it. It’s from Before. Before Valentine’s Day.” He tensed, knowing exactly what she was referring to. “Before, I had all the magazines — I remember being so obsessed with living in the same town as Brenda Barrett. Brenda Barrett, the Face of Deception, this gorgeous supermodel.” Elizabeth smiled, at the memory. “I could barely speak when Lucky introduced us the day of the wedding. And I stole Ruby’s invitation to get into the ceremony. I knew I’d never be a model, but I wanted all the clothes, and I’d make little mood boards, picking out all the best pieces from Fashion Week.”
Elizabeth rubbed her wrist. “I didn’t have the money to dress the way I wanted to, but I was always trying to be into the trends. The right brands, the right products—I was obsessed.” She bit her lip, looked at him. “You probably think that’s stupid.”
“Why would I think that?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know. I—I haven’t done any of that,” she confessed. “Not since…I could barely get out of bed, and the only clothes I wanted to wear were the ones that would cover every inch of skin.” She looked at her arms. “At first, to cover the bruises. There were everywhere,” she murmured. “It hurt to move, to breathe. But then I just didn’t want anyone to look at me. To think of me as anything.”
He swallowed hard. He didn’t know what to say, how to comfort her. How to make any of it go away.
“It took months before I would wear anything but flannels and sweaters, and I only really felt comfortable doing it when Lucky was around. I always felt safe with him,” she murmured, sliding her fingers along the sleeve of her shirt. “But then he was gone, and I had to figure out how to feel safe with myself. That night, at Jake’s—” She looked at him. “That was my first time doing anything reckless since that night. And of course, I got myself right back into trouble—”
“You didn’t do anything to get yourself in trouble the first time,” Jason bit out, and she looked at startled. He took a breath. “I’m sorry. Look, yeah, going to Jake’s, underage, that was reckless, and stupid,” he added, and she made a face. “But if you’d been of age, you had every right to be there, to have a drink, and a conversation. No man has a right to your attention. Even for buying you a drink.”
“I know that. Mostly. It’s just—it’s easier to blame myself,” Elizabeth admitted. “Than to face how much of life isn’t in your control. I couldn’t stop him from grabbing me, from doing that in a public place. I can’t believe I argued with you for helping me—” She shook her head. “Anyway. I never meant to go down that road. I just—when Chloe offered me the job, all I could think — I can have this back. This piece of me I hadn’t even thought of before she came in. This piece I’d forgotten was lost.”
She lifted her face to the sky. “I think if I told Lucky about it that way, he’d probably understand. He’d be on my side. I think so. But he’s not wrong. We’ve been through so much, and we lost each other for so long. Not just the year he was gone — but since he’s been back. It’s…” She bit her lip. “I feel guilty,” she admitted. “Because I got a miracle. I prayed and begged the universe to bring him back to me. And they did. But…” She looked at Jason. “But it’s not the same. I don’t think I love him the way I’m supposed to. And I don’t think he loves me.”
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